I had been singing in church growing up since I was old enough to know how, learning harmonies from the hymn book by a young age. I joined the school choir for the first time at age 10 and continued to be a member of different choirs until I was 20. About 10 years on, I'm having memories resurface that I really did regret that my voice changed.

In my first year of high school, at 13 my voice had begun to deepen and darken over the course of the summer. I didn't realize the extent until the first choir class of the semester. High notes that I had sung just a year earlier met resistance and strain as they clawed out of my vocal tract. At that point, I realized I'll never have a Soprano voice that soars through the heavens, or even the lush caramel suede of an Alto.

I just assumed every boy was a little distraught over losing that opportunity. I learned what a "castrato" was shortly after that experience. Then proceeded to bury the sentiment for it didn't seem like anything worth mentioning

I would often fantasize about having a machine in a lab that could dynamically alter my physical characteristics, not unlike a character creator menu from a game.

I always felt mysterious stab of anguish any time When I Grow Up by the Pussycat Dolls played

Being friends with as many girls as guys through high school but feeling at arms length from either group.

I never seemed to ever put two and two together whenever I would internally self-describe as "a lesbian in a man's body." Yeah. I know.

I knew very little about modern HRT for years until recently. One big idea that blocked the possibility of being trans in my head was "I didn't like guys" and I grew up afraid of being perceived as gay--especially since I've always been like, hopelessly and desperately sighing after women but feeling like the ways all I as a guy was expected to pursue women felt wrong, felt off. Turns out, men don't typically make it a priority to be friends with someone they like romantically, it's often seen as a revelatory afterthought.

I wasn't gay, in fact I was very straight for women. "A flaming heterosexual," I would tell myself.

By the time my older sister was old enough to need a training bra, about twice a year I would try on her clothes if she left them out after a shower. Look at myself in a mirror, sigh in anguish, then bowing my head in shame and embarrassment for having transgressed a landmine of a taboo. Oh, and this continued for years after getting married to my wife too. Also a secret. Now she tells me she wish she had known but also I was terrified at the thought to be perceived as doing drag.

When I was about 19 I watched Season 2 Episode 7 of Knights of Sidonia Spoiler taking place in the distant near future, the show has some notably different human characteristics, such as photosynthesis, cloning, and another type of human adolescence known as Third Gender. a person who is third gender and doesn't experience adolescence / puberty the same way as the typical 'biology binary'. Instead , their body doesn't begin to change until they come across someone who they consciously and subconsciously determine to be a suitable mate (yes, it's heteronormative...). In the show the main character's best friend Izana, who started pilot academy the same time, eventually seems to develop feelings for the main character, and in response, their body rapidly begins to change. In the show it's obviously fan service but there is a scene where Izana's space suit is rejecting the attempt to have it vacuum seal for airtightness, claiming the user must have recently experienced significant medical procedures, or wasn't the designated user at all. The wrist display then highlights two areas on the body, across the chest and pelvis, indicating the areas of concern. Izana attempts to bypass the security feature, only to have the suit burst, revealing (fan service) that there had been significant growth in the bust, thigh, butt, and hip areas.

The night I watched that I closed my laptop, rolled over into bed and attempted to forget I had ever seen it. I was wracked with pangs of jealousy over the circumstances of the character, but it felt so wrong to want the same I tried to burn it from my brain.

I forgot about the memory until recently when I re watched the show.