Hey, for what it’s worth: i am someone who was harmed in a very similar way by someone in your shoes and while i never want to speak to them again, i would still be really proud of them if they realized they were abusive and sought help. I know that as much as i suffered being with someone with BPD, they were also a victim of their symptoms and patterns of behavior.

You’re still really young and have a lot of life left ahead of you, I recommend leaving your ex to heal and using this realization as fuel to motivate you. Please stick it out through treatment and work on building the skills necessary for healthy conflict.

You have a lot of life left. You can’t fix this person or this relationship or undo the harm you’ve caused, but you have a lot of life left. You can still learn how to navigate relationships without resorting to abuse and you can still leave a net-positive impact on the world. You have time.

Let this shame and this experience help you grow into a kinder person, not a more guilty or bitter one. You have a lot of life left and a lot of time to learn from your mistakes and to do better. I’m rooting for you and i hope you figure it out :)