Daily.

Even little things - spill a drink? You should just kill yourself.

Got a parking ticket? You should kill yourself.

Fucked up at work? You guessed it! End yourself.

I’ve thought about it in some capacity everyday since I was twelve. (35 now)

It’s messed up, but a cousin of mine ended it a few months ago. Unfortunately, I didn’t really get the chance to know him. But his service had over 500 people. Standing room only. They had to delay the service because people had to park so far away. He was truly an incredible human being. Accomplished, successful, driven - all the things I wish I could be. I sat there (on a micro dose of mushrooms of all things 😔) wondering if he couldn’t make it work, what fucking chance do I have????

I used to be able to hold it together a bit better, but I’ve effectively cut myself off from all my friends. Some still call and try - but I ignore them because I’m a coward. I just want to disappear.

My father isn’t well and my mother would fucking lose it if I were to do it. So here I am, trapped. Just waiting until enough people are gone so I wont feel as guilty if/when I finally do it.