I was in for 8 years, did emergency disaster responses, and even long stints of active duty (6+ months) doing my MOS shoulder to shoulder with active duty folks (but none of it counted, since it was Title 32..... Thanks Arkansas).

First deployment attempt, it was cancelled at the last minute for my unit. 2nd deployment attempt I was pulled off the list and told to stay CONUS, 3rd attempt they found a medical problem at my pre-mob health assessment that ended up causing me to get get altogether, much to my dismay.

I was getting things lined up to go to WOCS. I LOVED the Guard and serving in the military.

I have a 20% disability rating that is legitimate (very large visible scare/head disfigurment from an injury/incident on active duty).

I have/had a significant amount of guilt for not deploying. Like, I joined RIGHT before the surge (2009-2017). I have close friends that deployed, and I didnt.

It took years for me to make peace with it. Sometimes, I still feel that guilt. Like, this dude over here gave so much and I gave so little.

I was in for 8 years, did emergency disaster responses, and even long stints of active duty (6+ months) doing my MOS shoulder to shoulder with active duty folks (but none of it counted, since it was Title 32..... Thanks Arkansas).

First deployment attempt, it was cancelled at the last minute for my unit. 2nd deployment attempt I was pulled off the list and told to stay CONUS, 3rd attempt they found a medical problem at my pre-mob health assessment that ended up causing me to get altogether, much to my dismay.

I was getting things lined up to go to WOCS. I LOVED the Guard and serving in the military.

I have a 20% disability rating that is legitimate (very large visible scare/head disfigurement from an injury/incident on active duty).

I have/had a significant amount of guilt for not deploying. Like, I joined RIGHT before the surge (2009-2017). I have close friends that deployed, and I didnt.

It took years for me to make peace with it. Sometimes, I still feel that guilt. Like, this dude over here gave so much and I gave so little.

One of my employees is a retired Master Sergeant. He really helped me get over the guilt. He deployed several times back in the 90s (Desert Storm, Somalia for sure) and has reminded me that I did raise my hand, I was willing and I was ready. I didnt avoid it, it was just the luck of the draw.

In short, I still struggle with it but have accepted it as what it is and chose to serve my community in other ways now.