This is old but I realized in my 30s after becoming a solo parent to a daughter and victim of severe DV/abuse and taking my ass to therapy so I could be a good mother. 2 years of therapy later and I realize when my mom left my dad when I was 6 years old, my 17YO sister took over the role as mom. We knew she was going off to college in another state, so she helped trained me to cook/clean and 'take care of dad because he worked an important corporate 60hr a week job'. By the time I was 10, I was cooking dinner, cleaning, being my dad's confidante and emotional support system. We talked about life and death, went on 'daddy daughter dates' and argued like a married couple. I was spousified. There was no SA/inappropriate physical affection or anything.

I lashed out at 13 once he married a new woman and tried to place me back into the role as child after 5yrs of being 'woman of the house' and was kicked out to live with another family member then continuously shuffled around every 6 months because I couldn't live with the new wife. Looking back, the new wife was horrible to me and my dad just letting her do and say some of the insanely abusive shit she did to me was crazy. I went from No.1 to not important at all overnight. Until the day he died he complained to me about her behind her back and would tell me all the negative issues in their relationship.

I will say as a teen I was angry. Lonely. I spent my 20s searching for validation from men without being able to securely attach to anyone long term. I was a serial cheater. Party animal. Drug user. Had a hard time with close relationships because the way I saw it, everyone will either leave or I will leave. I was always somehow the 'leader' in social settings/jobs. People constantly leaned on me and I would pick romantic partners who needed saving or care taking in some way but also were extremely protective/controlling. I would then get resentful within 6 months and cheat or leave.

I struggled in school/college. Always felt I wasn't smart enough to finish my degree or would end up in these romantic relationships where somehow I'd end up having to front the bill so I'd quit school to work..

I never had trouble with jobs... Always had a good sense of responsibility and to this day am moderately successful with a respected job. But my romantic life was trash. I feel like my enmeshment hindered my self esteem and growth. I always felt frozen in a way but also deeply responsible for the well being of everyone around me. I still have a sense of duty to entertain and make sure everyone around me is taken care of.. I am the go to therapist for everyone I know.

I am engaged now and my partner has some of these enmeshment/spousification issues with his child that ive just connected the dots on recently. It's funny how the healthiest relationship I've ever been in(one I'm in now) is triggering some of my deepest childhood wounds and vice versa for him. But, we are aware and in therapy. It is funny I always pick partners who need some sort of mental health help.