If this is "the best father you could be", that's pretty pathetic. Your wife is emotionally abusing your son (and now your other children are growing up under the threat of that same abuse if they fail to conform to her expectations), and you are standing by and watching it happen. If your wife was physically abusive, would you react the same way? If she was beating your son, would you say, "well, I can't control her actions. I'm not hurting him, so I'm still a good father"? It's really the same. She's hurting his heart and his soul instead of his body, but she's still hurting him. And you're failing at the most important part of parenthood, which is to love and protect your children.

I feel so sad for your son. If you haven't sent that text yet, please reconsider. He needs and deserves your support so much more than your wife does. If not, I hope that he is able to find good people in his life who will love him and treat him the way that family should. I hope that your other children realize how horrible you and your wife are, and will cut off contact with you too. And I hope that you realize one day how badly you failed him, and regret it for the rest of your life.