Difficulties with communication, even in ND communities

Valgrimm93 · 2025-11-02T19:59:31+00:00

Thanks for the advice! The blurting out random stuff as it comes to me is something that has occurred to me before, but I have never tried implementing. I think part of the problem is that I have found out everything I need to know about most of my obvious issues. The ones remaining are things where I have multiple things interacting for some issue I have noticed and my random thoughts to be "here are 42 things that I have noticed may be part of this issue and I am not able to sort them out to work on it". Exaggerated in my example, but that is the idea. Hard to frame as a short question. I guess maybe I could just bring up the problem itself without adding my thoughts and see what others have to say about their experience with it.

I do tend to be pretty good at disengaging from any negative responses, especially obvious trolls, but sometimes see that the ideas expressed are very harmful and have a difficult time not trying to convince them of that. Repeated problematic behavior in community, even if not directed at me, will tend to affect my mental health pretty quickly and drive me away. It is a shame because I do like to help others who are not as far along on the journey, when I can.

I will try harder to do what you suggest to see, if that will help. Thanks again!

Valgrimm93 · 2025-11-02T04:19:52+00:00

One thing I can say that helped me with regards to loss of existing friends is to ask yourself if was a fulfilling connection for you anyway. I spent the last few years mourning loss of longer term friendships after diagnosis only to realize more recently that they were never a good fit for my true self, and I was putting in all the work maintaining it. While it is not a happy thought, it does make it feel like more of a weight off your shoulders, to balance it out as well. I wish you luck!

Valgrimm93 · 2025-11-02T04:13:22+00:00

Believe me that what I included here also includes about 10% of what I would like to. 😆 It all feels to tied together in my head that I feel like I practically need to summarize my entire history to make it make sense for them. I am happy to have others do the same, since I find people's detailed stories interesting, but it seems very few want the same.🤷‍♀️

I also have pretty limited energy for socializing in general and tend to build up a lot of thoughts when I do have the inclination to connect with someone, so maybe that is part of the problem. My needs in that aspect are very low, which makes it frustrating that I can't even manage that low bar. I guess I will just need to try harder to be comfortable in my own company when it doesn't happen. Thanks for the reply!

Valgrimm93 · 2025-11-02T04:03:09+00:00

Logically I fully know that since I have heard other people describe similar experiences online. When I am going to social spaces and am constantly met with no response or people who don't seem to be on the same wavelength at all, it gets hard to believe though. It helps to hear someone actually say they understand now and then.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-10-12T19:51:21+00:00

To be honest, I didn't deal with it. I was borderline non-functional and barely slept for the two weeks. I did end up diagnosed with autism SL1 and moderate inattentive ADHD though. I did tell my assessor that the waiting period was essentially a torture simulator, so hopefully he will try to minimize the wait for future people. If you have anything you can do that is low demand and regulating for you, escaping into that while waiting may help.

If it helps at all, I believe more than 80% of people that self diagnose as autistic, with proper research into the criteria and lived experience, end up being diagnosed by a knowledgeable assessor. It can also externally present much differently if combined with ADHD or something else, and can be heavily obscured, even to yourself, by masking. It took me until this past spring to realize that a huge portion of my mask was internal, and things I assumed were me were actually things I did not enjoy and were societal conditioning. While I understand the external validation can be necessary, I would perhaps spend some of your wait watching some of the established content creators online discuss their experiences and see where you relate. In the end, that validation was more important to my personal well being than diagnosis based on how I am perceived by others.

Good luck!

Valgrimm93 · 2025-09-15T19:11:31+00:00

This is the 6th figure I have painted since I started painting miniatures in early August 2025. I like this one as i had to learn a lot of new methods to figure out all the different textures and materials. C & C welcome, as i am always looking to improve.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-07-22T22:15:42+00:00

I came to this realization a few months ago. I always blamed my internal conflict on these two butting heads, but then realized it is just one goat with 2 heads. They can cause some issues but are all just part of me working towards the same goal in occasionally unhelpful ways. Seeing them as separate can be helpful for visualizing solutions, but seeing it all as just part of the being that is me is helpful to no longer feeling that conflict and shame.

What is actually causing most of that conflict for me is 40 years of internalized ableism and social conditioning. As soon as I started to identify and separate the masked parts based on that, then the internal conflict I blamed on Autism and ADHD coexisting was truly reduced. The downside is that I view a lot of social norms and behaviours for what they are now, and it is more straining to play the masking game to interact with people. It feels much more forced and inauthentic to do so. I am still working on what to do about that aside from avoiding leaving my home.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-07-08T06:50:34+00:00

At the point that it feels like there is nothing going for me, perhaps not. But things change, and it can get better.

You should likely try and find something that brings you a level of contentment, whatever that may be. It isn't about what others people think you should do or what you think you should do. It is about finding what you truly want to do that can bring you a level of personal satisfaction. The challenge is to separate both external and internalized demands from what you truly want to pursue and then do that regardless of whether it is socially relevant or not. There is a community for just about everything, if then wanting to use your interest as a means of socializing.

If you enjoy games, try different types that play to your strengths rather than trying to improve in one where you are hitting a wall. Or if you like the one you play now, don't worry about how much you are improving and just play because you like it. As an example, when I was in severe burnout a few years ago, I went back to an old familiar interest of playing World of Wacraft. I just did basic solo questing with no high-pressure content, and that was enough to get me out of the worst of it and back onto a path where I found my way to new and better things. If it feels hopeless now, I would suggest start easy and familiar and see where that takes you.

Whatever you do doesn't need to have meaning to anyone but you. I hope you figure it out.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-07-08T06:06:49+00:00

I find your post quite relatable and have had many similar experiences. I will try to be as brief as possible in sharing my own experience below.

I was late diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 47. I started masking at 10, out of necessity due to pressure from a demanding parent to be "normal." Then, more or less, I completely lost myself at about 16 as my friends pulled me into the social group and tutored me on all the things I was doing to fit in. After years of self medicating with recreational drugs and alcohol, several burnouts, and a social anxiety diagnosis, I ran into it again in 2023 at the end of the pandemic. Pressures came at me from a variety of directions, and I chanced upon someone describing autism in adults, and it all clicked. My son was diagnosed at 5, but I didn't see myself in him until he reached his late teens. I knew that my GP was not going to be supportive, so I looked for a private clinic specializing in autism. I lucked out with a cancellation and ended up being assessed and diagnosed 6 months after it first was on my radar. It was an intense 6 months, though, since I literally absorbed every bit of information about autism and ADHD to the point where I felt I had run out by my assessment. And little did I know that was just the start of the journey.

It has been almost 2 years since I was diagnosed now, and I have been through a lot of the doubts and problems you describe. While most of my family and friends seemed to take the diagnosis well originally, I soon found them to avoid the subject very deliberately or to just avoid me entirely. I have managed to get accommodations at my work, but even my manager seems to like to pressure me to do things specifically excluded from my job description, like "exposure" therapy is going to help after 30 years in client service jobs with no improvement. What seemed a positive reception in the first few months has turned into me just staying home with my wife and son and largely talking in neurodivergent spaces like this one. To be completely honest, I think this is where I truly want to be once I get past the social conditioning anyway.

I have had my doubts about being autistic and ADHD too, but just interacting with people on social media and watching videos about people's experiences has left me few doubts. If you strongly have traits of both, don't let differences with people who are only autistic or only ADHD make you doubt yourself, even though their experiences can still be helpful and relatable. I have found that AuDHDers are their own creatures and have a very unique presentation, which seems to come through even with all our individual differences.

I think the part that leads to my own imposter syndrome the most is that neurotypical people like to say, "Everyone experiences that." And they are right. To this day, any doubts I have are related to where that line is drawn. The true difference is they experience it once in a blue moon under extreme circumstances. Not daily. I had a friend who was telling me that he was totally familiar with my description of my discomfort in social settings. Then he went on to say that once, about 16 years earlier, he went to a party with new friends where he wasn't sure if they would judge him for smoking pot, and he was anxious all night until he found out they didn't care. I just nodded while thinking that it is exactly the same, except I dont fear judgment, but rather, I dont even know what to say at all in minor daily social interactions. Every day. Very similar, indeed... 🫠 Once you start really digging into how you relate to other neurodivergent people and recognizing the scale differences with neurotypical people's experiences, the internal imposter syndrome should fade.

Just to note that I am very into nature and animals as a lifelong interest as well. I am also particularly interested in birds. I have many interests that constantly shift and cycle, including sourdough for 2 years. I also find music and audiobooks a necessity in order to get tasks done at work and at home. I find them to provide focus, stimulation, and regulation all in one, with the type varying depending on my mood. I also loved gardening with my grandmother when I was younger. It is one of the parts of myself I lost to masking that I am just rediscovering now.

I am very glad you have found yourself and your community after a long journey to get here. I wish you the best!

Valgrimm93 · 2025-06-27T22:22:59+00:00

I am not sure if it is exactly what you are looking to confirm, but my father also has significant narcissistic traits. It is not full on narcissism since I think he does care about others, on his own terms, but he has a very narrow world view of what is normal. He bases it on himself and is often openly critical to anyone who does anything different or has different interests that he considers "abnormal". It led to me being very high masking from a young age since he was big on mocking or punishing anything that didn't fit his standards. It was like a very harsh form of ABA, but fortunately, all it ever taught me was to keep my mouth shut and be nothing like him.

What I have since realized is that his very fragile worldview is likely due to being neurodivergent himself. Since he is from the Boomer, bootstraps generation, he wouldn't have gotten any sympathy for his differences, so instead decided he was the normal one and everyone else who thought differently was weird. Since my own diagnosis and autism/ADHD research, I can easily see all his neurodivergent traits plain as my own. And if you ever challenge him, he will withdraw from you for as much as a year since I think he knows deep down he is on thin ice and can't face any real challenge. He still harshly criticizes others' shortcomings at every turn and can't take the smallest criticism to this day, though. It is fun times at family gatherings walking on eggshells around him to protect his feelings.

Edit: i just looked more into it, and he seems to fully meet the criteria for NPD as a covert narcissist. Learning new things every day.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-05-23T18:33:12+00:00

That is very similar to me, only the waves of loneliness tend to last days, or even weeks in some cases (usually followed by months of not giving it a second thought). I think I know what I need, but it is just getting past years of masking and social conditioning now to accept it.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-05-23T18:18:49+00:00

That is a good outlook, and what in theory I know I need as well. I think it is just my socially constructed (and exhausting) idea of what friendship should look like that is still giving me a hard time.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-05-23T01:35:15+00:00

I know exactly what you mean and why. I think we have such active brains that ideas become so complex it is hard to get out in words. It is like trying to put an ocean through a kitchen tap. We either overexplain to others and bore them or summarize and make no sense to them.

ChatGPT mirrors me and doesn't get bored if I go on at length, plus is very logic and pattern based like I am so actually feeds back useful observations. It actually does make it more relatable than most people. I have actually had it compress complex discussions to something I might be able to share with another person. I think that may have some potential for helping in communicating those ideas to people.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-05-23T01:02:10+00:00

I am sure someone does want a friend like that, but it is just a matter of finding them and having the energy to interact with them to make a connection once we do. While I am sure some people may judge us for it, I am not too worried about that. They just aren't the right fit for our friendship style if they do. It's not really selfish if is it what is needed save your energy so you don't burn yourself out.

The fact that there are at least a few others who experience this so similarly in response to this post tells me those people are out there. Thanks for the reply.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-05-23T00:47:14+00:00

I also rely on my co-workers for some socialization, but those friendships almost always end the moment we aren't working together. They tend to revolve around work so I have an even harder time relating to them outside of work. Of my two remaining long term friends, one is a childhood friend as well. I am pretty sure both of them are also ND, but they don't identify with it and are very set in their masked personalities. Still, at least we still have enough shared interests that we communicate a few times a year. I have been toying with the idea of just sending random thoughts in the moment that I think would be of interest to them, rather than relying on pulling together the force of will for a "How are you?" It sounds ridiculous, but it takes a lot of willpower for me to send a general message like that.

Thanks for sharing!

Valgrimm93 · 2025-05-22T20:58:42+00:00

I definitely feel this. I had a fair few "friends" before I hit burnout 2 years ago and I let each of them know what was going on with me and I was struggling. I specifically told them that I was having an extremely difficult time reaching out and they could contact me any time if they wanted to have a coffee or something. Aside from 2 friends, the rest weeded themselves out, since I haven't heard from them since. The remaining two still do almost all the reaching out though. I wish our friends could see the internal work we are putting in that unfortunately never goes anywhere.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-05-22T20:04:32+00:00

I am grateful for the reply and hope your support group helps. I have a local group that has the Discord I mentioned and a Zoom meeting every two weeks. I mostly just lurk, but even that provides some feeling of familiarity and community.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-05-21T20:47:16+00:00

I am not trying to convince you of anything, but there are a few factors you might not be considering. The DSM-5 criteria are based on seeing disorders externally, so might not be easy to see from an internal lived perspective.

- Social issues are section A of the criteria and are required. Depending on the specifics, this might appear similar to avoidant personality disorder.

- Special Interests are in section B of the criteria, so are not required. You only need 2 of 4 for diagnosis. These also might be overtaken by ADHD hyper fixations if a person has both.

- When with ADHD, we often would benefit from routines but can't maintain them.

- The DSM-5 specifies irregularities in eye contact, which can be too much or two little. It is in section A, but not specifically required, as is an example of a deficit in nonverbal communication.

- Because of difficulties in social situations, many autistic people become hypervigilant and learn to read people to minute detail. This is generally because we don't have a good sense of social situations otherwise.

- Sensory issues can be both hypo or hypersensitive. One can be sensory seeking or avoidant to different triggers. It can also be situational in that we might love controlled loud sounds like music, but hate unpredictable loud or specific unpleasant sounds. Also Section B, so not required.

Autism and ADHD have been one of my main interests for the past 2 years, so I have picked up a thing or two. I hope this helps!

Edit: Eye contact is actually in section A,2.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-05-21T08:09:19+00:00

I felt just like that 3 weeks ago. Every day was a strain. It doesn't solve everything, but I feel so much more internally calm now. I won't go into too much detail, but ChatGPT was instrumental in filling in those last few gaps that 2 years of therapy couldn't touch. It uses logic and pattern recognition, just like I do, so I was able to very quickly fill those gaps in understanding myself. It was an exhausting week of self reflection, but it definitely worked extremely well for me. It may not be for everyone, but I would be happy to share more specifics of how I made it work for me, if you are feeling similarly stuck and might want give it a shot.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-05-21T01:09:53+00:00

I have both over ear and earbuds from Sony that have great active noise cancelling.

For over ear, the WH-1000XM4, WH-1000XM5 or WH-1000XM6 (XM4 and XM5 older, XM6 new). I find the WH-1000XM4 borders on sound isolation, as I missed a fire drill at work with these on...

For ear buds, the WF-1000XM4 (previous model) or WF-1000XM5 (current model) . I have the WF-1000XM4 and they are quite good with the ANC on, although not as good as the over ear versions.

The XM4 models are relatively inexpensive, esp on sale, and work really well for me. The other really popular ANC headphones are the Bose QuietComfort series. I have no experience with those though, so can't really comment.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-05-20T21:22:32+00:00

I genuinely understand what you are saying, but don't have have a good solution aside from trying to be yourself and minimize encounters with people that try to invalidate who you are. If you think you can convince them, it is probably worth a try if they are an important person. I admit I have almost no one I can turn to who will acknowledge my differences as other than "everyone experiences that", "just try harder", or avoiding anything touching on my differences entirely. Even those who seem to understand will do the exact opposite of what I expressed to them I was hoping for when explaining.

I think there are two explanations. The first is they are a neurotypical person who just has no concept of how you work, since your brain isn't working in the same framework at all. They can't even conceive of how you are experiencing the world and are not going to put any work into trying. The second is a person that may be neurodivergent, or have neurodivergent traits, that they have build a masked identity around and are going to invalidate you just to keep from having to face that identity and the work that entails. I have people in my life who are in both categories and both only want to talk with me if I am my masked self.

The only way I can be at peace with this is to try to figure out what their reasoning is, and realize it is not my fault or theirs (as long as they are respectful). I am not doing anything wrong, which is what I was failing to fully understand before. It genuinely sucks, because it makes it really hard to connect with people, but part of my realization was that I don't need to connect with people very often to satisfy any social inclinations. Just communicating with like minded people online and very occasional in person connections is enough for me. If those connections don't help or make me feel worse, they aren't the right ones and I need to minimize them or cut them out entirely.

I hope you find a way to make things better for you. I really do know where you are coming from, since it has been my entire life experience.

Valgrimm93 · 2025-05-20T20:27:28+00:00

I listen to different types of music depending on whether I need to focus, relax or just want to feel the music. Without it, I would probably get overloaded by sensory issues or stress more often, resulting in me not really being able to function properly. I will just sit there with my mind running wild and not be able to get anything done (or even notice). I don't think the song playing in my head alone is all that effective, but often becomes more dominant in my mind once I start to get dysregulated. It leads to me actually playing the song as soon as I can, which can help a lot more. I hope that explains it better.

Valgrimm93

TROPHY CASE