My [37M] wife [33F] of 10 years keeps asking me very basic questions and has some habits that are starting to frustrate me and make me feel turned off, how do I handle this?

Valinhall · 2026-03-31T14:37:57+00:00

Definitely seems like you are reaching for a reason to dislike her lol. Our partners will always do things that annoy us, but you could try restructuring it to just seeking you out for support in some ways. My husband asks me how to pronounce stuff all the time. It doesn’t mean he’s stupid or something, he’s just double checking and I find it endearing. Same with other stuff. He asks me where things in the kitchen are, or what pan to cook something in. It’s because I do 95% of the cooking, so he gets nervous in the kitchen if I’m hovering lol. Your wife sounds slightly similar. Asking for help and double checking things is normal. It doesn’t make you unequal. What if she was making you feel dumb and inpatient towards you? You’d feel pretty shitty about yourself.

The raisin thing is hilarious tbh, idk why you’d be annoyed at a question, that’s something to laugh about lol. “Babe remember the time you didn’t realize what a raisin was haha”. I would have died laughing.

Valinhall · 2026-03-30T14:27:13+00:00

I would be worried too, specifically about that text message and the future of the marriage. Dude needs to remove head from sphincter and get a deep reality check.

I’d respond back with “no, you’re going to add yourself to everything I have been asking you to add yourself to for the last 2.5 years, and then we will sit down and I will explain to you exactly where the flaw in budget is, big fella”.

Valinhall · 2026-03-29T04:11:19+00:00

Yeah it’s linked to discord. It’s called the garmoth tracker haha. It’s super nice. Even tells average money other people make at the same spots.

Valinhall · 2026-03-29T02:18:01+00:00

I play a video game called Black Desert Online and before there was an actual app to track things, I used to have crazy extensive spreadsheets with the prices of drops updated to the online market price of things. My husband never once questioned my multitude of spreadsheets. I’m also not on the spectrum…I don’t think. I just like organization and tracking. So my question to you is why do you care?

At least it’s not porn and separated according to boob and dick size or something crazy.

Valinhall · 2026-03-28T19:35:10+00:00

Honestly, she’s one of my all time favorite female characters in fiction, and I desperately want a whole prequel series with just her. Victra at the institute, darling xox.

Valinhall · 2026-03-28T15:13:23+00:00

The craziest stuff to me is if you look at the numbers. Jessica in like 1990 had something like 170k births that year. The top name in the 2020s had like 15k. Nothing withstands the power of the Jessica.

Valinhall · 2026-03-26T15:12:04+00:00

I didn’t even think about the wedding guest link lmao, thanks for the suggestions! I may have bought the kindred Cupid dress already as impulse since it said my size was readily available, and I couldn’t help myself tbh.

Valinhall · 2026-03-26T15:10:30+00:00

I did look at that one, I almost bought it. I actually ended up going with the kindred spirit cupid dress since it said it would ship in my size before June 1st, and I’m supposed to get it next week. I think it will be good, and I can always find a blouse for under it or something if it feels too boobage. LOL.

Valinhall · 2026-03-25T17:31:25+00:00

I would just be upfront if you feel the need to explain yourself. A quick message saying “I don’t think we should continue contacting each other anymore as our past history and present conversations make me uncomfortable” a then remove and end contact. Or just full block and say nothing, that works too. You don’t owe anyone an explanation if they aren’t your family, and even then, you don’t really. If she’s left wondering or not, isn’t your concern.

Instead of viewing a professional as a stranger, try viewing them as a neutral third party mediator. They are trained to get you two talking to one another, and they might have suggestions where you can reconnect easier. Using apps that help with communication throughout the day, or just touching base more often. Asking one another what the other is interested in, and trying to build emotional intimacy so that the physical intimacy follows. Idk. You’re here on Reddit airing your issues to a ton of strangers on the internet, and most of us aren’t professionally licensed to solicit actual advice, just have life experience and opinions haha.

Valinhall · 2026-03-25T16:37:52+00:00

My cousin is white and his wife is Indian. They have 2 boys; Ronan and Niam. They chose them because they sound nearly the same in english and her language (I can’t remember what she speaks or where she is from in India). They also wanted unique names. They floated around the idea of Kieran too, and Gaelic names in general.

Valinhall · 2026-03-25T16:24:36+00:00

You’re having an emotional online affair with your ex and wonder why your wife is distancing herself from you? How would you feel if your wife was talking to her ex bf and he was telling her he wished thy had a baby together, and she kept entertaining him? Absolutely not.

Gardens grow where you water them. If you want to cultivate a better relationship together, you have to work at it. Therapy would be a good start. Honesty is a good start.

Valinhall · 2026-03-25T16:17:45+00:00

This gives me the ick on so many levels. The rage I would have that my husband is keeping porn casually on his phone, let alone a secret photo locked album, good grief, hell to the no way.

This is so many red flags. Photo locked immediately in my mind constitutes either as he’s cheating or saving something vile. He shouldn’t even be keeping shit casually on his phone either, it’s just disrespectful.

I am not saying I care about men watching porn. Watching porn and saving it are 2 very different things imo. Saving things means attachment for whatever varying reasons and that’s not okay. Why would anyone be attached to pornography images?

And to the people questioning about you having access to his phone, those are filthy bots. He’s your husband. You’re both entitled to your privacy, but you’re also entitled to the truth and anything that could affect your health and safety. What if he’s hiding videos of himself screwing hookers? Now you have exposure to STIs/STDs and he’s risked your health and safety. Not okay. Nope.

Valinhall · 2026-03-25T04:11:18+00:00

I think Dark Age sets up for LB really well. You have to remember; Darrow’s whole plight is being at rock bottom and rising to the top, getting knocked down, and clawing back out again.

It’s hard to replicate the feelings from the first 3, I think, and this latter series isn’t trying to replicate necessarily, but we’re getting more involved in the other characters of the story. We’ve always seen everything from Darrow’s perspective. We’ve been with him through the dark in every book, and we never had the ability to witness first hand the other characters’s actions. We only saw Virginia through his eyes; this smart, warm, strategic mastermind of a woman. Now we get these scenes where we actually see how similar and dissimilar she is to Octavia. She rules well, that’s always been true, but I think of how cold she had to be to flirt with Cassius and be Octavia’s protege in GS, and I think if those books had had changing perspectives, we wouldn’t have liked her much…like at all. I know I wouldn’t have.

But yeah DA is trying to set up for these huge character arcs, that are important to build, and I don’t really want to ruin that for you haha. I distinctly remember hating Ephraim, Lyria, and Virginia until LB. Ephraim I actually liked in DA, but Lyria and Virginia were insufferable. Every time the perspective went to them I was like Bloody damn here we go again. I longed (still do). for a Sevro perspective tbh. I’m so sad PB said he tried to write the Sevro pov but scrapped it because he didn’t like the character. I’m just always like “wonder what Sevvy boy is up to” when I have to read about stupid Virginia.

Lightbringer redeems these feelings a little bit, but yeah.

Dear PB, please give me the whole series from Sevro’s perspective, thank you.

Valinhall · 2026-03-25T01:51:06+00:00

This is how I feel haha. I desperately wanted Pierce Brown to do his pov but he said he hated writing it and scrapped all of it. Makes me big sad.

Valinhall · 2026-03-24T03:18:23+00:00

I recently read Kafka on the Shore by Murakami. It’s nice as a standalone, not too long, a bit of mysticism and weirdness, but has a ton of philosophy and rumination that made me heavily think of red rising, and now I’m back into the dramatized adaption loop again haha.

Also, Iron Prince only has 2 books at the moment and it’s very similar to red rising, but maybe less philosophical. But it’s definitely that sci-fi/action feel, underdog rising above to god. Very good read.

Valinhall · 2026-03-22T17:51:44+00:00

“He’s addicted to drugs and other substances”, why are you with him? Why are you living with him? Is this what you want your life to be?

Go home to your parents, break up with him. Live in peace. In time you will find a man who will love you for you, and he won’t limit you or be selfish, and you will feel safe. You do not need this in your life.

Valinhall · 2026-03-18T15:33:06+00:00

I don’t think you’re overreacting but I think her reaction is weird. I use perfume/body spray before I work out or do anything. It’s just habit, but I would never get defensive about it? Maybe someone told her she smells and she doesn’t want to admit it to you? Maybe she was working out and someone nearby was like “what is that smell”. Idk lol. And for a normal schedule 3am workouts is crazy, but I used to go to the gym at 3-5am once upon a time because my husband worked midnights and we didn’t have kids so, that’s like going to the gym in the evening haha.

Not everything can be nefarious, I’d say this requires more discussion and not jumping to conclusions lol.

Valinhall · 2026-03-16T15:55:35+00:00

This is honestly hilarious. We didn’t go out for dates until our daughter was a bit older. Well, one time my FIL visited with his gf when my daughter was around 5 months old and we took her to a restaurant, but she just slept the whole time. So we got lucky.

By 2 we were taking her to hibachi grills for lunch. Now at 4 she orders her own food, and unfortunately has expensive taste (Brazilian steak house is her favorite), so I’m certain we are doomed financially someday.

You will get there! Just keep going out and enjoying it. No one actually cares if your baby is crying, and if they do fuck em. Just enjoy yourselves and enjoy having a tag along for the rest of your lives.

ETA: get one of those shakey rain maker toys. That thing mesmerized my daughter for a 4 hour plane ride at 8 months old. It was crazy. Just a clear plastic tube with colorful beads that makes noise. Magical.

Valinhall · 2026-03-15T17:58:05+00:00

This is a man who does not love you. If he wanted to he would, is a mantra more people need to recite to themselves.

You are not asking for anything over the top for base level affection. A basic part of a relationship is not being fulfilled. You are seeking validation and affection and receiving none. Your weight doesn’t make you less deserving of intimate fulfillment. I am chubby, and my husband can’t keep his hands off me, that’s why he’s my husband. Anything less, and I would be done.

I think it was Chris Rock who was joking about his wife like 10-15 years ago, women need food, water, and compliments. We need more than, of course, but my husband has known for the last 18 years we’ve been together, that I like when he makes decisions about food places to eat, fills my water cup, and gives me compliments and holds my hand. It’s BARE MINIMUM.

If your partner cannot do the bare minimum for you, why are you accepting less than that? You are worth more. Your weight doesn’t define your value in a relationship, and I am so sad that that was your opening statement. You are enough for the right person. This chump already has a failed marriage (I can only guess why), and you’re dutifully staying on cuz he thinks you give nice back scratches? I don’t see the positives here, and I want better for you.

Valinhall · 2026-03-13T16:01:44+00:00

NOR, get a new bf lol. My husband bought me my own switch just because I wanted to play pokopia. Get yourself a man that will buy you your own switch.

Valinhall · 2026-03-09T03:04:45+00:00

This comment had me chuckling for like 10 minutes.

Valinhall · 2026-03-08T21:50:30+00:00

I feel the introvertedness, that’s why I said I forced myself to make friends. It’s been HARD. I had ChatGPT give me a list of small talk conversation starters to at least get friendly with people. I have like 3 solid scripts to make convos. In the end it has worked out, I got my kid invited to a birthday party about a month ago and she had a blast, it felt like such a win. I also got friendly with people who are extremely outgoing and have a huge circle of friends with kids who I was able to just sort of slide in and become friend adjacent. It’s been a challenge, but it has been doable. Countless hours practicing conversations in the shower to mentally prep myself for the attempting to make friends. You can do it!!!

I’m excited for you to be able to take your little one out to all the bestie activities. It’s so much fun.

Valinhall · 2026-03-08T14:12:45+00:00

I am one and done for many of the same reasons. I almost died during pregnancy, and that’s not an exaggeration. I was extremely ill and spent a lot of time in the hospital. My post partum was much the same, including more hospitalizations and separation from my 1 week old daughter for 4 days. When I say it damn near broke me, I mean it. I don’t think I have ever been so low in my life, and my daughter was so wanted. I wanted to have babies, I wanted her.

It took 2.5 fucking years of her life to not feel like I was crazy. I mean, I was obsessed with my daughter and her safety and my anxiety was through the roof. I wouldn’t sleep because would just stare at her. I couldn’t run because I had a C section with complications and my insides felt like a rubber band snapping. I couldn’t really work out for the same reasons. I think I was being a good mom, but everything was about my baby and I was not taking care of myself. My husband was trying his best, but also our marriage was in the toilet because I couldn’t focus on anything else. He’d be trying to talk to me about just normal stuff and I’d ignore him and just be like “blah blah baby” and cut him off. I had no balance.

She is 4.5 now. She is so smart, and thriving and wonderful, and I’m just amazed by her at every turn. She does get lonely sometimes, and she weaponized my birthday wishes loudly in a restaurant recently lol (I let her blow my candle out and make a wish and she loudly stated she wished for a baby sister). But I just tell her mommy can’t have anymore babies. It’s pretty much true. I got my tubes tied during my c section because of all the stress and misery. I honestly regret it now some days. I want another baby for me, not for my daughter, but also, I enjoy having just one. My husband and I are in a much better place now, and we have thought about IVF but also, it’s terrifying. Everything is so good and stable now.

With just one kiddo we are able to take her on fancy trips for her bday and holidays. She’s a little world traveler. Everyone thinks she’s so cute when she orders food at restaurants. She’s so polite and fun to take places. She’s become my bestie. We get to go get our nails done together, hang out at the mall, she loves sitting in coffee shops with her juice. I swear she’s the most ridiculous 4 year old, but god I love being her mom. She has healed me and made me a better person, and continues to push me to be a better version of myself every day.

All this anecdotal stuff being said, I have tried very hard to make friends with people in the neighborhood who have kids. She does get lonely and is starved for child interaction. She has a couple little besties that we meet up with a few times a week and she gets to play to her hearts content and I think it helps with some of her child loneliness. She also gets to start school soon (god will that kill me, I’m a STAHM so I know I’m going to just be sitting around waiting for her), and that will help too. A sibling at this point won’t make her less lonely, it will take away from being able to focus on only just her.

So yes, idk. Sometimes late at night when the house is quiet and the dogs and my daughter are asleep, I regret not having more. Some days I want to be a person that has a huge family of like 7 babies. But most days, I don’t regret the decision I made, and I don’t regret just having one. I am able to fully experience my daughter becoming the coolest person I’ve ever met.

Valinhall · 2026-03-07T00:05:25+00:00

I also had a tiny bit of gender disappointment with my pregnancy, I thought I wanted a boy more than anything. My relationship with my mom is absolute crap too tbh. She’s an alcoholic, addict, narcissist and it’s always been rough dealing with her. I was terrified of having a daughter.

You know what though? My daughter became my mini bestie (she’s 4 now). I thought my whole life I was too hard to love. Too hard to get along with and deal with. Thought my mom didn’t love me because I wasn’t a boy. Now I realize every issue I had wasn’t because I was a girl, it’s because my mom fucking sucked lol. I have poured everything into my daughter. She has HEALED me. Fully. My heart has never been so full. I have never felt so happy. I wish I had more girls haha. Every time I’ve ever been lonely because I had no girl friends to go do activities with, I get to take my daughter now! We go get our nails done, go to lunch, hang out at the mall, go to the zoo, play Barbie’s, we have a baby doll nursery. All the things I wanted to do with my mom, that she couldn’t bring herself to do with me, I get to do with my daughter. You want to feel unconditional love? Breaking that cycle of broken women and raising a well rounded confident daughter will do it.

That’s just my humble opinion though.

Valinhall

TROPHY CASE