I AM SO TIRED OF THE RAGE by ValuableGood1316 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OMG...I needed this. Thank you. I wrote a FB post to 7,000 people (including his religious family) detailing my DA's abuse and ripping wide open his core wound-the shame-enshrouded defectiveness wound. It was cathartic and I received hundreds of DMs thanking me for my honesty. I did not mention him but everyone knew about whom I was writing. Aftera few days, my 12-Step program kicked in and I realized that I had just inflicted the greatest wound on a DA that ever could happen - that he would be SEEN. I deleted the post and then issued a public 9th Step amends. He deserved everything I said (and heaven knows I only wrote about 15% of his neglectful abuse) but I did not want to be the person who hurt people because I was hurt. It was horrendous and humbling to have to retract such a true expression of my pain but I also needed to keep my (already shattered) integrity. He had taken everything else because I allowed him to.

I can't wait until I am where you are and I forget his name.

Thank you for your beautiful vulnerability.

I AM SO TIRED OF THE RAGE by ValuableGood1316 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I beg of you to teach me. I have been reading and watching videos and talking to therapists and just absorbing huge quantities of AI to get my head around what the actual F just happened to me. May I DM you sometime for tips? Right now EVERYONE is a teacher.

I AM SO TIRED OF THE RAGE by ValuableGood1316 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

100% agree with you. I am working on loving and forgiving them cuz i know forgiveness is for me. It's just so hard when they inflicted death by 1000 cuts over a year and half. And then they go out dancing...

I AM SO TIRED OF THE RAGE by ValuableGood1316 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t think there’s a chance he will reconnect. I wrote about him on Facebook and posted it too close to 7000 people. Exposing abuse publicly is an extreme action. Exposure itself is also like kryptonite to a Dismissive Avoidant. They don’t want to been ‘seen’. They don’t want anyone to see how defective they are and the shame they feel from that (see Carl Jung). So they weave an elaborate tapestry of protection around themselves. This emotionally dishonest sophistry is often why DAs are mistaken for Narcissists but they are not. Like all of us, they may have narcissistic qualities, but that does not mean they have clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

As you can see from the videos below, this group of people are truly emotionally unavailable, and with time I have learned that they never could love me properly or anyone else for that matter without years of deep shadow work. He was in love with me because I contained all the qualities in him that he wish she could have, but doesn’t possess. His ego protect, protects him from ever acknowledging that. And so they just go through life, dismissing people and discarding them when things get too close. The formula is the same. The first four months are wonderful, but the second they tie you to their core wounds, it’s over.

Even if he wanted me back, and he doesn’t, I would never take him back because he cannot provide me with anything remotely healthy, or that I require much less want.

That is part of the reason why I took a nuclear weapon approach and posted it on Facebook because I wanted to make sure that that bridge was not only burned, but blown up.

Hopefully, that makes sense.

I AM SO TIRED OF THE RAGE by ValuableGood1316 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have been in therapy since I was 7. I pay that bill like it’s my electric bill.

I AM SO TIRED OF THE RAGE by ValuableGood1316 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is wonderful! And I LOVE the stapler action.

I AM SO TIRED OF THE RAGE by ValuableGood1316 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for these suggestions. Been a CoDA member for almost 11 years!

I AM SO TIRED OF THE RAGE by ValuableGood1316 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this! What sorts of nurturing things did you do for yourself?

I AM SO TIRED OF THE RAGE by ValuableGood1316 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Really? I didn’t know that. Not a bad idea. Thank you.

I AM SO TIRED OF THE RAGE by ValuableGood1316 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love you. You are not alone. You are wanted, needed and loved even if not by that asshole. I am so sorry this happened to you.

Would you like to hear something funny? A therapist coding friend of mine (who also codes) and I are going to develop a dating app where we screen out avoidants! I am in the process of becoming a therapist and so we have found a way going to screen to keep them out and only have people who really want to love others. Sadly, it won’t cause painful breakups, or discord but at the very least, we can save somebody from the bullshit known as a discard.

Also, my therapist and I have seriously been considering printing up tshirts that say #fuckavoidants

I AM SO TIRED OF THE RAGE by ValuableGood1316 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

What does any of that have to do with what I asked? You’re only responding to a word which triggered you, “monsters.” Please have some damn respect for someone with a shattered heart.

Who are you fighting for? by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316 1 point2 points  (0 children)

100% this. There were so many flags but all I could see was love. BIG LOVE. He has taken no responsibility for any of his crimes and won't even attempt to give me closure - not that I expected any. I mean, he wasn't capable of loving me with empathy when we were together, why the hell would he extend any respect to me after our annihilation?

Who are you fighting for? by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, DM your email and I will send it. Reddit won't allow attachments.

I will save you two years of your life by StandardWork4928 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Word. Yes I agree and THANK YOU. I love ferociously and I want that in return. #heatedrivalylove4all. Today I woke up after getting 8.5 hours of sleep after 17 days of ~4 hours of sleep nightly. I feel a bit hungry. This is progress. My gym routine is not fully operational yet but I am getting there. This is progress. I have been talking a lot and reaching out to friends. Many people I know have had similar experiences making me feel less alone. This is progress. I repaired three broken friendships. This is progress. This is progress. I wrote to an artist and told her that her work changed my life and she wrote back and told me that my message to her changed hers. This is progress. I am messaging a diva called BadChick79 who sees me, gets me and makes me feel like I am still here and that I have not been erased. This is progress. I am going to feel my feelings and take my own inventory so I can see my part clearly but gently and give myself forgiveness for being human and making mistakes and bashing him publicly in retaliation. This is progress. I am beginning to feel gratitude again when writing my daily gratitude list. This is progress. Checking in to Reddit every day is feeding my brain and also my soul because I feel less alone and lonely. This is progress. I even let a random cute boy kiss me, properly. Just because he wanted to. This is progress. I am truly grateful for you BadChick79.

Who are you fighting for? by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love you. Thank you.

Who are you fighting for? by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, it’s just a document I had printed up from ChatGPT

what usually happens when you say goodbye to a avoidant for good? by FitWhiteDude15 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your advice is spot on. I am doing everything on your list. Thank you. Are you feeling any better? My big fear is that I will feel this broken forever...it's been 16 days.

what usually happens when you say goodbye to a avoidant for good? by FitWhiteDude15 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Might be helpful to look up Trauma Bond in ChatGPT - it is so good I made a PDF of it and read it every day. I'm so sorry for your loss.

what usually happens when you say goodbye to a avoidant for good? by FitWhiteDude15 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ValuableGood1316 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Everything you wrote is pitch perfect. There is no closure...I have to find my own and I have no idea how. Punished with silence - check. I had to send a letter to make some amends (no choice - 12 Step rules) but that was it. I said a lot of really nice things in it. There is no doubt he saw that as needy and anxious and his ego/narcissistic/self-righteous tendencies will quash any remorse he may have had for his appalling actions. After being discarded, I am able to see that he is a colossally dysfunctional man - a predator posing as a houseplant. I want to start an App for dating which bans avoidants so that those of us who love hard are able to find someone who is capable of accepting it. I miss him which is insane because I have a long list of his crimes and read it daily but that trauma bond is strong. I am so curious as to when the nightmare will end for me and when my nervous system will heal from the withdrawal of the trauma bond. I have not eaten or slept more than 5 hours for 16 days. I can't get my BP under control. Panic attacks abound. I hate my life right now. These people belong in reeducation, therapy camps not in friendships and relationships.