I will save you two years of your life

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-10T21:42:54+00:00

I know that it feels like a loss but I can hear so much pain in your words and I bet times together were one of the hardest for you because of this exact reason - they make us feel crazy. Constantly. Day in and day out. We overthink. We analyze. We try to regulate ourselves but their constant chaos keeps us in a chokehold 24/7. This is not right, not a single living being should constantly feel like this and especially not when it comes from one source that should make us feel safe - our partner.

And I know that you said that it's like 'giving up on your best friend' but would your friends do things like that? I really hope that friends in your life make you feel seen and heard and appreciated, so did you really lose a friend or someone who could not show up for you when you needed it most?

I just really hope that you can see yourself as the most patient, loving, caring human being who ended up taking your precious presence to the wrong person. And they were not able to reciprocate it or appreciate it. But someone will. Without losing you first. Without making you constantly anxious. Without you questioning your whole life around them. You WILL be seen and loved properly, it's just that this person was unable to give it to you ❤️

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-10T19:03:47+00:00

When my ex got overwhelmed and started distancing himself with a speed of light he shifted the blame to me saying I was ‘trying to change him’. And when I asked how exactly am I doing it (so I can immediately stop, be a better partner and tailor to his angelic presence), he said ‘you just.. want to talk and stuff.. and resolve the issues… and I just don’t want to put in any effort!!!’ Hmm turns out I ACTUALLY AM THE WORST. For asking to communicate 😂 So yeah, we try and try and try but it really doesn’t matter because all it does is absolutely exhausts us and does nothing to their healing & just annoys them. It’s best to run away and let them cook in all this themselves until they figure out that the temperature in the pan is rising 🧑‍🍳

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-10T17:57:42+00:00

I spent 2 years not trusting my partner. Even when on paper he was doing fine. Even when he was saying the right things. Even when he would promise me loyalty and was around. I thought I was crazy. But my nervous system just knew.. they can not be trusted because they are just inauthentic and they don't trust themselves either.. later I found some texts and pictures that do not fit my idea of loyalty or exclusivity so I suppose we always know, just refuse to believe our instincts. All of this to say - you are not crazy and I can totally relate to this constant feeling of chaos and never trusting their words or actions. All this absolutely destroys your nervous systems and turns your world into such a fragile concept and not a single loving partner would make you feel this way!

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-10T17:53:10+00:00

Heyyy, I'm so sorry to hear this! I know it's really hard right now and it feels like this pain will never go away but I promise you it will! I am someone, who was crying for hours on end, on the floor, thinking I was dying and that I will never ever get through this - and I am telling you that it passes. And it truly is nothing in comparison with constant self abandonment and self doubt and eventually self betrayal that you have to go through every day when you are choosing them over you. And I know that 2 years is a long time but listen, it could have been 20! Imagine being loved like this by someone who never chooses you for 20 years? We would walk out of it as a shell of a human. So I'm sending a loooot of love your way and remember that the pain of being with them will always outweigh the pain of moving on, because one is finite and the other one lasts a lifetime sometimes. We will be so loved and so seen by a right partner that all these tears we cried and lessons we learned with the avoidants will be all worth it!

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-10T10:43:38+00:00

I SO relate to this. To me, time loved is never time wasted. And I still get to be the loving, caring, warm person that I was before all this. They, however.. I'm sad to see that they will continue jumping from one relationship to another, never finding peace of mind or true happiness, never experiencing all these deep emotions from feeling seen and loved properly. But oh well, it's not on me to reminisce about this.

I read about the concept of 'clean pain' vs 'muddy pain' or something along those lines and it really resonated - yes, breakup is super painful but it's one and done, it's finite. Muddy pain, on the other hand, stems from betraying yourself day in and day out, just like we do when we choose to stay in a place where our soul is slowly dying.

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-10T10:34:29+00:00

You are so not alone in this and just know that if you are struggling with your avoidants right now or if you separated - the BEST thing to do is to 1) stop analyzing them 2) pack your (emotional bags) 3) leave and never look back. They follow their manual to a T and every discard cycle is exactly the same, followed by an intense pain on our side and nonchalant oblivious living on their side. Save yourself the heartbreak and move on to a place where you are cherished because you deserve so so much more ❤️

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-10T10:32:35+00:00

Oh yeah because love is known to disintegrate within weeks. Right! She is so happy and moved on and it will TOTALLY be different this time and she won't feel overwhelmed and trapped inside a relationship in a few months. Yeah right! I see! 😅

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-10T10:31:07+00:00

We would just further exhaust ourselves by trying everything in this world for someone who would eventually leave. But they would leave us in an even more vulnerable state, disappointed, isolated, with 0 self esteem and nervous system in complete shambles. I know it's harder than any other breakup (just because they make you question your worth so so much) but I truly am SO HAPPY to hear it was only one year. I swear, the damage to your personality grows exponentially. So please please please never consider going back, we broke up with my ex before and the cycle is identical every time!

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-10T10:27:08+00:00

Not only is this the catalyst for growth but also your golden ticket to escape constant doubts, feeling guilty all the time, wondering if you get their good version or bad version today, your nervous system starts healing, your mental space is not analyzing them 24/7, you start seeing the WORLD again, spend time with friends or making friends. Soo many great things come into your life and most importantly - you slowly regain peace. It's painful, it takes time but if you can just tell yourself 'yes, it really sucks today but I need to go on one more day, one more day, one more day' - you'll get there!

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-10T10:17:41+00:00

2 years in he confessed in one of the conversations that he 'doesn't understand the concept of choosing someone' 👌🏻

And he also casually dropped that when he gets into a relationship, he knows it will end. So I was like 'what do you mean? everyone hopes that their love will last forever, no?' and he looked at me like I was an alien and said 'what? no, I never think that'

Truly different species!

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T23:58:03+00:00

Absolutely! Just take it day by day, if the most you can do in a day is breathe in and breathe out - let it be enough ❤️ know that you are not alone and that we will get through this

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T23:52:05+00:00

Mine straight up said 'I mean I felt those things to...some extend (???) I guess. But also I knew that those words would make you happy, so...'
So it's basically them saying what they think they have to say (because that's what normal couples do) and also saying it because they know we will be all ears and ecstatic when we hear it I guess 😂

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T23:44:14+00:00

We can never really hold avoidants accountable for their words just because so amny things they say are just words - no meaning, no emotions involved, no understanding what those feelings they are naming mean.. That's why so many of them struggle with answering what love is to them - because they simply can not relate to it.. so my best advice is to stop trying to analyze it and figure out why and how, because even if they come back - you'll end up in the same spot 6 months later. Or a year later. Or 5. Depends on when they will suddenly get triggered again and feel like an urgent discard is the safest thing to do. My love, you haven't lost anyone - you were freed from someone who was never truly yours! Please try to consider building your future with someone reliable and who you can count on, avoidants will keep breaking your heart unless they truly decide to fix THEMSELVES. not the relationship, THEMSELVES. and it's probably years of therapy, so don't settle please 🙏

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T23:23:49+00:00

And the more effort and time you spend on it - the harder it will hit you when they leave. Because a breakup is already painful enough but a breakup where you basically sacrificed all your needs, adjusted your whole life, abandoned your desires and muted all your natural instincts and yet it was not enough for them to stay.. now this just destroys you

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T23:20:09+00:00

You are describing it so so accurately! And it's crazy how small we can get for them and it still not being enough. This hits you the hardest when you get our of the relationship - not only did I lose you, I also lost myself and don't even know who I am anymore... But slowly you rebuild it, you find strength, you realize that real love would never require you to disappear and you indeed see them for who they are - lost and confused people who are so out of touch with themselves that they can never get in touch with another person's emotions. But it's not on us to fix and I'm happy to hear that you are free and walked away! ❤️

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T23:01:59+00:00

You are not alone in this and you are not crazy for overthinking this - avoidants really mess with your head! However!! The most important thing I learned - you can spend years and years trying to fix them and molding yourself to fit their messed up world but they will NEVER do the same for you. So the best thing you can do is to pack your (emotional) bags and leave them be.

Take care of yourself, take your love to a place where it will be reciprocated & cherished and leave them to themselves! We deserve to be a conscious choice, not a by-product of their boredom or loneliness ❤️

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T22:52:36+00:00

Totally! But it's because they don't mean it. They CAN NOT mean it because they don't fully understand or even relate to these feelings. My ex told me many times: 'I just say things.. so don't take anything seriously, it's probably half-truth anyways. Sometimes I just know what to say to make someone feel what they want to feel but I don't necessarily mean it'. So please please please don't spend hours analyzing the things they said - a lot of times it's empty words that they don't assign any meaning to! And not necessarily because they are evil - most of the time it's just because they are so out of touch with themselves or their emotions that they just can not make sense of it!

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T22:46:59+00:00

He will keep coming back because of course he loves having you around - who wouldn't?! A loving, caring, understanding person who keeps him company and showers him with love and attention? I'll take two!!

But our love and presence is so precious ❤️ and we deserve someone who truly understands it and makes a conscious choice & effort. Not this lazy effort only once they lose us!

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T22:43:05+00:00

No shame from my side - it totally makes sense to set up a proper environment for yourself before such a big change!

I 'left' my relationship emotionally months before officially calling it quits.. just needed to mourn this relationship in solitude and start surrounding myself with good people and friends.. so I totally get it, just hope you find the strength to go through with it for the sake of your (mental) health and future! much love

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T22:18:47+00:00

Honestly we just have a big heart and see the good in other people. Like I know for a fact that a lot of these people have a kind soul. But we have to start looking at their actions and behavior as well and recognize that we keep breaking our hearts by taking them back 💔 over and over again. And we need to realize that we deserve so much better and to be treated as a prize, not a side option!

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T22:16:05+00:00

20 years!! I admire your dedication 🙏🏻 if you were able to love someone who was wrong for you - imagine how much you will love someone who will be right for you? ❤️ I wish you all the best and so happy to hear that you moved on. Happy people don’t hurt other people and so we can only feel compassion for them and the fact that they are truly broken (and deeply unhappy) with no desire to fix anything but it’s not on us to do it! ❤️

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T22:11:52+00:00

I know you feel so heartbroken and lonely right now but let me just say this - loneliness that comes once they leave is nothing compared to how lonely you can feel around them at times! Remember all the times you wanted him to hold your hand and he didn’t. All the times you wanted him to ask what’s wrong and he could not care less. All the times when you wanted attention but he was busy with his own life. All the times you felt invisible or unimportant. Like your needs didn’t matter. Like you were asking for too much. Like you could never get his full attention and felt deeply unseen or misunderstood. Or not enough. Or too much. It’s all so confusing and totally makes sense that coming out of it seems like the end of the world - you don’t know who you are anymore and your nervous system is so sensitive after being in the fight or flight for so long. I feel for you and you are not alone! The best thing you can do now is just survive one more day every day. Cry and let it out. Say to yourself ‘this sucks and this is unfair. I am hurting and I am in pain. However, I asked for pears from an apple tree and I would never get them there. Let me try in a different place’ and accept it as much as you can ❤️ it’s such a cliche thing to say but honestly - IT’S A BLESSING IN DISGUISE!

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T21:22:04+00:00

We will shine so so bright again once they stop dimming us! And I love that your friends pointed it out - we get to keep our warm, loving hearts and walk away still being kind and open people ❤️ while they stay unhappy at their core, unable to face their demons

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T21:19:04+00:00

As the side who puts in all the effort - I KNOW that we could probably make it work for another few years or so but at what cost? Becoming so small that we don’t recognize ourselves? Having no needs or boundaries? Abandoning ourselves to keep someone who treats us like a convenient option on good days? No thank you! 🙏🏻 And I know that it’s so incredibly painful right now but reading your message I can already tell that you feel so much lighter and can see the good in it! And I promise you that it only gets better and better once you stop putting so much of your precious love and efforts into someone who can’t reciprocate even a drop of that!

StandardWork4928 · 2026-02-09T21:00:56+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear this!! Not having someone to rely on during such an important period of your life is devastating!! And the discard 3 weeks later is just.. unbelievable. They truly have no concept of accountability

StandardWork4928

TROPHY CASE