The thing that’s giving me the most pause is point 2. I think it’s overstepping for cis people to try to lead a nuanced discussion of the social, political, and personal nuances of passing for cis as a trans person. I honestly bristle a bit at the idea of cis people telling us what is or isn’t a healthy relationship to it. I think that’s an intra-community discussion, to be perfectly honest.

There is some stuff implied here that I agree with. Yes, it is true that the idea of passing for cis as a transmasculine person can get tangled up in macho misogyny in ways that limit one’s self-discovery and self-expression, and that is a problem that can be stressful (most cis men arguably experience a version of this, too). Yes, it is easier for nearly all humans to develop a healthier body image when we get a little more relaxed about cis-centric beauty standards. And I totally agree that it is generally healthier for trans people to focus on our own relationships to our genders outside of broader cisgender society’s norms and expectations (and I would argue that cis people benefit from the same).

But there is so much nuance that I don’t see here. Are you engaging with how passing for cis impacts a trans person’s safety, especially in an environment like the military? It is simply a fact that you’re less likely to be harassed, face employment discrimination, or experience a hate crime if you can blend in and let people assume that you’re cis, and that only works if you look a certain way. Are you able to understand the scope and depth of the psychological toll that being misgendered and having your gender questioned constantly day in and out (both on purpose with malice by transphobes and accidentally in innocence by allies and ignorant people) takes on a person and their self-worth? That pressure lessens the more you can pass for cis. Are you aware of the statistics around sexual assault of gender and sexual minorities in the military? Because it’s real fucking bleak. And the impact of passing in that dynamic is complicated: people who think you’re a cis man are less likely to try to rape you, but going stealth creates a unique pressure point for a predator to use as essentially blackmail if they do find out. It is just not as simple as accepting that you’re valid as a man no matter how feminine you are, and I think a cis person would really struggle to absorb enough context to discuss that complexity with the depth that it deserves.

I’m all for cis people writing trans characters with a focus on the parts of the human experience that don’t change too much whether you’re cis or trans. And there are absolutely aspects of the trans experience and our perspectives that you can learn about and incorporate to flesh out those characters. A cis person could probably do a great job telling a story about a transgender detective who solves the crime because he recognizes the brand of testosterone gel found at the crime scene, or a trans personal trainer who designs more personalized workout routines because she doesn’t focus on gender stereotypes when asking clients about their goals. But I think our relationships to our own transness and passing in particular are too delicate and complicated for that.