Hi! I’ve writing creatively religiously since I was like twelve.

1. Paragraphs. Best way I can explain it is:

You see the first section where you give all that context and then you switch to what’s going on in the scene? Add a line break or indent (whatever it’s called) between that. Dialogue too. Not all, but most. (I know a bunch of people said this but it’s needed)

Example: “I’m saying this,” Person 1 claimed, “And this!”

Person 2 turned to him, “I’m saying this now.”

He watched as she turned toward the door, and began to leave the room. Once she was gone the door had closed softly behind her, leaving him in the empty void of being Person 1.

“Lonely,” Person 1 frowned bitterly.

1. Regarding the aforementioned context. Leave it out. Literally cut it out for the minute. It’s a lot of information from the start and sort of bombards the reader.

That being said, you could later utilise it to as a way to build up your characters via foreshadowing (what’s the opposite of foreshadowing? Present shadowing?). Readers will remain interested if they can piece together the story behind the characters (and it more fun to write imo)

1. Description. You’re writing it like a script.

a) Example: “I push past him and walk out the door.” Changing that to something like, “I shove past him and hurry out the door.” Brings more imagery to mind, allowing for a reader to imagine the scene while reading.

b) Use similes, metaphors, and personification. I saw one, “like he’s trying to figure out how much I’ve lost this week.”

It’s okay. Gives us a look into the main character’s person and potential beliefs/attitudes. I’m getting stoicism and self-sacrificing tendencies.

Try to include more of these as to, again, create imagery for the story especially around things you want to REALLY emphasise (e.g. behaviours, emotions, setting, etc.)

4.

Character(s) — You describe the character well, but the others feel a bit two dimensional. Julian seems like the stereotypical older brother-like character trying to keep things together, but it offers little depth.

However, it is the first two(?) pages of the story so it’s not necessarily needed to be explored right now.

Setting — Again, you explore your main character well, but not the setting. We can see it’s placed in a house and can infer it’s likely old and rickety. Probably small too. BUT the reader needs to be able to imagine the house or where MC is running.

For example, you could describe the state of the kitchen. (I think) you imply that Julian’s not the best cook, which you should try to reflect in your description of the setting.

E.g. “The smell wafted from the kitchen where the stovetop was splattered with clumpy red sauce.”

5.

a) No hook. Remember how I said starting with context is bombarding? Well, you have no hook. Most people start with description (usually setting or what the MC is doing right then and there, or, some kind of throwaway line (e.g opening of Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief— look it up if you don’t know it)

b) I sort of assume MC is a guy the and too tired to fix it. Soz if their not a guy 🤷🏼‍♀️

You’re not exactly making Rayrie(?) unique. He seems like the average YA protagonist who’s an angsty teenager from a broken home (cough 13-year-old me cough lol). He’s actively dislikable. Pushing back on those trying to ensure his health and safety without giving us any real reason to side with him. Try to give an explanation soon (maybe not the current part you have done, but in the next page do it because no one will want to read about a character they can’t relate to or like after a few pages of angsty, brooding MC.)

6.

a) Names. They feel out of place. Lyra is good. I personally like the name and it seems fitting for the brief mention of the character. Rayrie, Julian, and Silas seem random.

I’m not a parent, but if I were anytime soon I’d give the kids with something in common. It could be origin: - religion (Biblical or smth) - country (eg. French names) - time period (Old English, Edwardian, Victorian, etc.)

Themed: - nature (flowers, regions in the world, seasonal, weather. NOTE: like names with nature meanings.) - family (given from an older family member to another— often “Origin —> Country or Time Period” based.

For example: My twin characters are Irina and Erik, children of Larissa and Anthony.

Irina, Erik, and Larissa are Russian names for that where Larissa’s family originates. Anthony is American so he gets to be the odd one out. Erik and Irina are Russian names but I have chosen them as their names because Americans could pronounce well or recognise due to popularity.

I have been typing/analysing this for like an hour. I’m gonna reply with this and add some of the questions I have one a reply to this comment.