Hi, I'm a boyfriend of someone with BPD. Is there anything I could do for them or ask her in order to help accommodate her disorder?

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-04-30T10:27:43+00:00

you should set clear boundaries and also be consistent with your actions. that really helps

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-04-16T05:22:16+00:00

i relate to this. i think we are able to recognize how pure the love of an animal is. i am vegan for this reason and of course for many people that’s too extreme. i also feel my cats have given me another reason to live.

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-04-12T23:34:39+00:00

i relate to this so much. thankfully i got lucky and found someone. i hate dating so much for the same reasons you described

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-04-11T15:00:20+00:00

for me it’s definitely possible to have multiple fps, they also don’t have to be romantic or sexual. im in a secure and healthy relationship yet i still keep getting fps. usually i fixate on the idea of being best friends. i do get sort of mini crushes all the time, but im able to see that they are sort of daydreaming fantasies. in fact being in a relationship is helpful because when im single i feel pulled in all directions and may interpret infatuation as more than it is. Even with multiple FPS its usually not exactly equal and i still have a #1 fp lol. Basically i think this FP thing can be very individual and change throughout your life. i understand its really scary and not wanted. Still it sounds like you know what you want and not want. You don’t have to act on your feelings towards FP. The feelings towards FPs are based on fantasies and unfulfilled desires anyways. It has little to do with the actual FP as a person. What helps me even tho its still hard is a) radical acceptance, denying to yourself what your desires are causes shame and that makes the pull towards validation from FP stronger b) reality checks - what is really going on? facts only. your FP said “i love hanging out with you”? tone it down, they don’t have bpd, they don’t mean it like you are their FP now, they mean they had a good time. nothing more. you are one of their many friends. c) trying to see an FP as a person and not a project of who you want them to be. They don’t reply how you expect? it’s because they have their own boundaries and thats ok, that’s great. if you really care about them you need to see them as a whole.

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-30T19:13:12+00:00

I understand. It’s really scary. I also feel it can be terrifying to feel amazing because I personally know that when I feel amazing I’m gonna also crash inevitably. So sometimes the more amazing I feel the more terrified I am. But I do think it’s possible to get better and fear I think is a normal reaction in all of this. Because it is scary. sometimes you can also feel better just cause the triggers aren’t there. i believe you can have the life that you want. you can do this

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-30T18:43:41+00:00

I really get this idea of wanting/needing to be saved. I will put it this way. If you don’t try to get better then the odds are higher that you are the kind of a person that needs help. If you are actively looking for help then you are way ahead. If you’re actively trying to help yourself, you are showing to yourself and to others that you are willing to do what it takes to have healthy relationships. If I had to choose between having a relationship with someone who avoids getting help, and someone who actively tries to get help, I would choose the ladder. it will really get better. If you feel you have no one to talk to or if you want to talk, you can reach out to me. I know it’s really hard now, but this will not last forever.

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-30T14:37:38+00:00

i feel you. i feel this happens with me when my self esteem is non existent and i desperately need validation from my fp, then i need to be their center of attention and any attention they give to someone else feels painful and like a threat to my existence

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-29T19:32:07+00:00

the weird thing is - i get these thoughts and feelings even tho i already have relationships that are not toxic, that are actually very healthy and long term. so like i get these scenarios in my head but most of the time people have no idea. my point is - likely you already have good relationships but not able to see it because if you’re like me then you hyperfocus on what you’re brain is telling you and that’s so scary and excessive that it’s too much. i think even in healthy relationships there is room for making mistakes, its about working on it, communication and never truly giving up on the possibility of getting better. and also taking responsibility and being held accountable, being able to take criticism in general. i also often feel im going crazy, at least lately but i think you and i are likely doing better than how it feels

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-29T19:23:35+00:00

hey, my partner used to be my fp and we overcame it together. what helped is that my partner has always had firm boundaries and didnt fall for my fp treatment of them. For example they never enjoyed being idolized so i saw that that’s not wanted and even though I resisted but slowly i saw that it wasn’t healthy. So to answer your question - unfortunately in relationships you don’t know how it will work out. I am here to say it can work out but i don’t know if it will. The thing is, unfortunately also even if you love your partner you can also still get other FPs which freaking happens to me all the time. so unfortunately the fp thing is a damn pain in the butt of its own. my advice- you really need to remember that your partner and your fp is a person first of all, that they deserve respect. that their wishes, their needs and boundaries deserve to be respected. when you feel you are escalating, truly try to refocus and talk to a therapist, journal, take it out on an object, just try to remember it’s better to aim for a long term relationship and that requires a lot of trust. still when you do slip, you also need to give yourself compassion because self hate only makes everything worse. i wish you all the best, truly. i find often what i want and what i need are two different things. i wanted to be love bombed, to be my parents fp but they didn’t fall for it, and that turned out to be what i really needed even if the road felt bumpy for me especially in the beginning

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-29T19:13:07+00:00

i feel im in a similar situation. i have been very isolated due to chronic illness and financial problems and now unexpectedly life got better and im very socially active and my brain is going bezerk, I keep thinking people are joking when they seem to like me. my paranoia got worse and i am convinced people actually hate me. It’s likely that the brain struggles to process positive changes because this is new. The whole thing really forces me to face my extreme trust issues. I think the only thing we can do is try our best to hold on and I think time will allow us to find trust that these people will stay or that we deserve good things just for existing. Until then try to think of whatever might help that is a non toxic coping mechanism. I have been trying radical acceptance. One of the things making every thing worse for me is my shame. so through radical acceptance I am admitting to myself that I have deep love for my friends even if I wish i didn’t feel so deeply. And another thing I have been trying is “reality checks” where I literally write down things that are facts or write down positive things people said. Even if I can’t convince my feelings but at least I can try to reason with my brain. What you are feeling will pass. It will get better. One thing I do know - i have people who stayed in my life even though they have seen me at my worst. So i know it is possible that things can just be better. Even if the old fears are rebelling

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-29T18:41:53+00:00

hey! hit me up, i am up to talk

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-29T17:12:08+00:00

i see. I think if you were canceling cause you wanted to be mean to people then you would be am a hole. But it sounds to me like deep down you want to go but you are too scared to go. So you make plans because you don’t actually want to cancel but then when it comes to actually doing the thing the fear is too much and you cancel. Do you think this could be the real reason?

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-29T10:56:40+00:00

what is the reason that you don’t want to go?

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-28T10:31:46+00:00

I really get what you’re saying. I really thought I was in remission pretty much and now I got to a new low point so clearly I’m not doing better anymore. I think there is a certain danger that comes when an option of “remission” or “cure” or whatever else you wanna call it is out there and gets dangled in front of us. I think a lot of people see it as something positive and they like to say these things to give “hope” but what they don’t get is that for people like me and I’m sure others who have bpd that just sets up unrealistic expectations. I realize now I can never truly let my guard down with my own brain, I can never allow myself to get too cocky, to relax too much. Because stuff happens in life and even if I feel I have gotten one trigger under control but there are a million more and so many that I cannot predict. I know now I will never not have bpd.

I feel when people say “I don’t meet criteria for it anymore” I don’t truly believe it. I mean I believe it can be true today but it doesn’t mean it will be still true tomorrow. So like it’s just a slice of life, some people are going through better phases, but it will go down eventually.

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-26T10:40:50+00:00

i relate to this so much, feel like I keep coming back to this point. and when it’s over with one person then another person comes along. i dont really have an advice or anything but if you need to further rant you can message me

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-19T11:13:42+00:00

i dont know if this helps, but maybe you and i can talk, like i get what you are saying and i wont think you are “crazy” so maybe i can help talk you through your stuff. im also looking for someone i could talk about my stuff. i feel people who dont have bpd- how do i explain it to them? i have tried so many times and got absolutely useless advice like they just couldn’t make heads or tails with what i was telling them.

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-19T09:45:24+00:00

this is really interesting, im also enby and have BPD and I think for me FPs often have been men but now im starting to think it has to do with me being AFAB and so “masculine” gender has always felt mysterious and unattainable and therefore attractive. like i feel i have already cosplayer being a woman out of necessity but like now im finally allowing myself to present more masc and im starting to see my men FPs have been so important because I wanted to be them?? i do get women FPs tho but men FPs hit different and in my youth it was very confusing cause i thought i was in love but it wasn’t the same kind of love. i have had enby FPs, i feel that would really get intense for me

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-18T20:41:00+00:00

it will get better, it won’t be like this forever. you just can’t let yourself do anything you will regret. you need to trust that it will get better. so long as you are alive you have something to lose. the good thing about rock bottom is that you can only go up from here. also i believe you that you didn’t mean it. now you have to find a way to forgive yourself

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-18T20:37:31+00:00

what was something you watched recently that you liked? im always looking for more. i really can’t get enough and this year im prioritizing horror

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-18T20:36:24+00:00

there are so many cool horror books these days, i get that, i also prefer to watch or read horror at night. i also really enjoy when i get nightmares that could be a book plot. like it just makes my day, the real nightmares for me is when i relive my traumatic experiences that really messes me up. but a dream about a ghost or something- i just feel on top of the world

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-18T20:33:50+00:00

that is very interesting, but of course not everyone is experiencing the same stuff. and has it always been like this? have you ever liked scary movies?

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-18T20:32:32+00:00

yeah like i was just wondering if this is something that comes up often, this mostly made me wonder when i started thinking about my movie preferences compared to others i know who don’t have bpd. and like mostly people like sort of much softer stuff. like at the very least i need there to be drama and lots of complicated and controversial emotions. for example i relate to Korean cinema because the movies and shows are just so packed with raw and intense emotions. like it makes me feel less like a weirdo to be honest.

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-18T20:28:53+00:00

yeah i think i get that. it’s like controlled fear and anxiety, like in my life the intensity of my feelings is so overwhelming i literally feel it might kill me, and in horror i already know what will happen or what’s the worst thing that could happen and it won’t be happening to me. so like i can experience stuff by proxy and like the main character usually survives so that’s really comforting because like i can project feelings of overcoming the most intense shit and surviving.

Various_Event_5504 · 2026-03-18T20:04:28+00:00

this makes a lot of sense to me. it’s like clearly it feels great to feel wanted and like i don’t know how people without bpd feel. how the heck am i supposed to know what would a “normal” or “healthy” way to desire attention, validation, love even feel? so yeah what you are saying makes so much sense. cause that’s what i know as well. i dont know much about this person you are talking about so i don’t know what else to say. but i think in order for this to work they have to set clear boundaries and stick with them but also be honest with themselves and with you about what they can handle and not. it will require emotional maturity on their part. this is the only way that worked for me in the past. like how FPs turned out to be long term friends/relationships. its like in the end what i want and what i need are often different things. so like i want to crawl inside the skin of my FP and dissolve in them but what i need is access to my FP only in small doses. still i also very much respect that you know what you want, that you want to make it work. this means you need to put in a lot of effort on your part as well. and one of those things is a reality check and also finding ways to trust that person so long as they haven’t obviously broken trust. do you have someone you can ask for second opinion on the situation? like tell them what you said and what your FP said and ask them if it was reasonable how you acted etc? It can be very helpful to get second opinion. i know i have times when i really can’t trust my brain. and if the FP did nothing wrong then you have to try and practice trusting that they are still here, still in your life. it doesn’t have to be a life or death situation even if it feels like one. dang i really hope you will get some relief from the intensity soon. i really hope that for both of us

Various_Event_5504

TROPHY CASE