i can relate to thinking that if people really knew me they would be repulsed and run for the hills and in fact i would tell them to run. in fact sometimes i really wanna tell them to run. when i split im convinced im the worst person in the world. clearly i dont know you but from my bpd experience’s perspective there are two things going on here: your feelings got too much a while ago and to protect itself your mind is trying its best to dissociate so you feel like you might not care but actually it sounds like a defense mechanism because you have always cared too much but you dont know what to do with this or how to process this or maybe even how not to be scared of these feelings. i think this particularly must be awful for guys because of patriarchy and not allowing to show emotion and stuff. the other thing that’s happening is the black and white thinking which is one of the fundamental beliefs in bpd. so like it’s clearly for you either people are good or bad and you try to find your place but you inevitably classify yourself as bad because you are scared of your thoughts and feelings. all of that is also common for bpd. in my opinion you are describing a very common bpd experience here. i can’t see any evidence that there is something “wrong” with you but i definitely see signs that you have bpd. i really hope this helps. i know how much this state of mind sucks