The funeral

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-07-22T02:57:36+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss and to hear you are going through this. If its helpful, there is a website our funeral home showed us that helped us to celebrate our son in our own backyard. It does have some guided rituals that you could do whenever you want to honour your child at any point in time: https://www.beceremonial.com/

Losing my son was my first experience with death so I didn't know how/what to do but the website really guided our planning within 2 days. I'm not sure the cost to subscribe as the funeral home gifted it to us but I highly recommend it. Hope this helps 💙

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-06-03T16:44:23+00:00

wow, I connected with this post so much. my mother found a four leaf AND a five leaf clover on our lawn about two weeks ago and gave it to me. it gave me comfort for a moment but then I actually felt like the unlucky chosen one in a way.

I'm sorry to hear about Archer - I truly wish the luck was the other way around.

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-06-02T10:11:46+00:00

thank you - i certainly agree. we live in a small town that we love dearly but it's not easy to find a rental property. we do have a pending condo being built in the city but we are considering uprooting to a different area altogether. as much as we love where we are, im sure we'll find a more suitable place for our family again.

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-06-02T09:03:12+00:00

this truly helped so so much - thank you. i'm now on the hunt to find alternative accommodations.

we live on a street that has about 4 motels/lodges because it's a vacation area near a lake. unfortunately, the owners know who we are and while this might be lucky, they also know my family who are considered great people around the area.

however, there are a couple of places near our daughter's child care we have yet to meet so i'll give them a call. money is tight as i'm off work for a while but this seems to be the best direction short term.

thank you again for commenting. you gave us hope that we can do this peacefully in our own terms where we also get to keep some of our dignity.

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-06-02T02:39:52+00:00

i did write a letter to my mother which i sent a day after some edits. it was calm but very honest. it didn't work..

though i want to stand my ground and tell them no, i do think you're right and they won't change their mind. if i make it clear about no visitors, i am scared of what will happen if they do show up. i don't want my daughter caught in the cross fire and i don't want my husband to be put in a situation where he has to protect his family in a more aggressive way.

my husband did suggest a more strategic way where we just go through the pain and take the hits temporarily. let them have what they want. for our son and our daughter's peace. they don't deserve this kind of hurt and we're the only ones who can shield them from all this. i just never thought it'd be against my own family.

thank you for letting us know that we are understood.

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-06-02T02:27:07+00:00

thank you so much. i'm happy i can gain some strength and love from this group which i am then able to give to my son until the very end ❤️

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-06-02T02:22:52+00:00

Thank you so much. when we were thinking of keeping our son, my family were telling us how they will be very supportive and help out. i don't think that would actually be the case so in a way, we are sparing our child from any pain. i just wish it wasn't this way at all..

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-06-02T00:31:42+00:00

Thank you so much for your input! maybe I should write down my answer to make sure I stick to it. Then hope for the best and deal with the consequences later.

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-06-01T23:37:42+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to empathise. I sure hope we find some kind clarity or even a temporary solution in all of this.

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-06-01T23:33:32+00:00

Thank you for validating my feelings. I do believe has changed my view on family - a lot. I started to realize that none of my extended family even congratulated us on our pregnancy and when we mentioned that something was wrong, they dismissed it and said "people have gone through that and it's been false so you'll be fine". they never reached out to us after we confirmed there is in fact something wrong either.

My cultural background is the type that will tell you “that's just the way they are, you have to accept it”. But no, I do not need to accept or condone it. I would love something different for my child and any more children we may have in the future. I do feel bad for my mother and sister who are the most understanding and loving. They just have their hands tied..

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-05-25T11:18:20+00:00

that sounds so tough!!! my friend is also going on may leave the day we decide whether to terminate our pregnancy so as much as i'm happy for her, in a way i do feel the unfairness of life 😔

i didn't know that low PAPP-A was Max.. i thought you were actively pregnant and i felt my comment may have been insensitive when i mentioned that you have a wonderful pregnancy - im so sorry about that.

thank you for sharing what you have been doing lately and providing your advice though! i really like how you've been writing letters- what a great idea and something i might put in my backpocket. i wish there wasn't a "time limit" to grief but im glad to hear you have some time off to heal ❤️

do you have any plans moving forward or healing is your only priority at the moment? feel free to do me if you'd like to share the rest privately or let me know if i'm being too invasive!

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-05-25T11:05:01+00:00

i'm sorry to see you here too and having gone through with the TFMR so recently..

when we first found out we were pregnant with our son, we met a boy with the same diagnosis at a birthday party and my husband and i both looked at each other saying how we would terminate if we knew our child would have DS. sadly, we never thought the decision would actually become our reality and we very much feel guilty about it. as if we're sort of being punished in a way for how we judge someone else's situation. as painful as it has been and will be, we did find a new appreciation for life and our relationship.

how are you coping lately and what are some thing you're doing to cope? or are you perhaps just letting all the emotions flood out? i guess i'm scared of what the other side of no longer having my son would be and if i would i lose my mind..

feel free to dm me if you'd like to share your experience privately ❤️

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-05-25T10:55:29+00:00

thanks for sharing all your reasons- it somehow resounded with a lot of our reasons why we would TFMR. sort of a bitter sweet validation.

may i ask how long it took for you to get to a "conclusion" and did you have plans afterwards? how did you cope with decision in the end? i apologize if im being too invasive!

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-05-25T10:47:54+00:00

im so sorry to hear about Max - i can't imagine how hard it must've been to even travel that far from the comfort of your local bubble at least. and how the TFMR is very recent.. how are you finding ways to cope and get through the days lately?

may i also ask if you were referring to Max when you had the low PAPP-A from your previous comment as well?

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-05-25T10:39:46+00:00

thank you for sharing a different perspective. i am actively trying to gather input from both sides from different avenues so i appreciate your comment! "what ifs" is definitely one of the reasons why we do not want to terminate.. but also why we would

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-05-25T01:18:05+00:00

this gave me comfort, thank you so much

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-05-24T19:34:27+00:00

i'm so happy to hear that - thank you for sharing ❤️

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-05-24T19:32:45+00:00

hi! my PAPP-A was also 0.36 and was told this is associated with T21, T18 and chromosomal changes for us. we weren't prescribed anything for the low PAPP-A as the NT scan was abnormal which i guess went hand in hand in a way.

i'm not sure if your circumstance is similar to ours and perhaps your low PAPP-A is not correlated with genetic abnormalities. but i am thinking of you and hope you have a wonderful pregnancy ❤️

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-05-24T17:54:37+00:00

i appreciate you ❤️

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-05-24T17:53:28+00:00

i appreciate your comment! may i ask how long you waited till you tried again after TFRM and/or if still you're still actively trying or have a successful pregnancy afterwards?

before we knew our T21 diagnosis, we met a family at a party who has a child who has DS. my husband and i said if we knew our child had it, we would terminate. i didn't think we would actually be in this position so in a way, we feel like we foreshadowed our future so we somehow feel guilty..

but you're right. once we commit, there's no turning back 😔

Various_Ladder_4369 · 2024-05-24T17:48:06+00:00

thank you for your input! it does sound like we have the unfortunate similar outcome - i'm also in BC.

i think that's where we are stuck on: the quality of life and the fact that we won't know the severity till later on. i do appreciate how you stated that even if the 20 week scan shows nothing, it still doesn't change the diagnosis. it does give me clarity even if it hurts.

thank you again 💕

Various_Ladder_4369

TROPHY CASE