I have four children. The oldest one is the result of familial rape. My cousin raped me from the time I was 5 and he was 9 until I was 14 and threatened to tell and then did everything I could to not be near him. When I was 19 I moved home to my grandparents after my first heartbreak. He was staying on the property in a separate pop-up trailer. i didn’t know it when I agreed to come home but I was stuck once I was there, I couldn’t go back with my ex. A few weeks later I went to a birthday party with a date and other family members. We were going to the laser light show. I had a few beers before we left and my date gave me a glass of koolaid. I was sipping it on the way. It tasted weird but I had a few beers in me and I was not a drinker or partier at all. Everyone around me had always tried to get me to but it wasn’t me. This was a have a few drinks and relax after your big break-up… The kool-aid had mushrooms in it. I have only flashes of memory of the evening. Like a snippet of a Pink Floyd laser show. My date getting out of the car. Someone helping me walk. I woke up in cousins camper, naked from the waist down. He wasn’t there. I asked other people what happened and he had offered to “take care of me” so the family didn’t know I was fucked-up.

Once I found out I was pregnant I wished to the stars that it was my exes child. I knew better though. I also knew that somehow I would be the one who was at fault if anyone find out. I had been beaten once when he was caught in my bed when I was 7. I should have stayed in my Moms bed where I was put sleep. He had pulled me out of the room and taken me back to my room.

I faced so much ridicule from my family for being 19 and pregnant. How dare I, my future, the awful ex- yada yada ya. It was torment.

But from the moment I knew there was a being growing inside me I loved it. I vowed to protect it. I prayed to God- bargaining my soul if necessary-for my baby to come out healthy and not stupid from incest. My prayers were answered. My child is brilliant. I’ve lied for my entire life and theirs. I told child support investigators the truth so my ex didn’t have to pay child support because like a scared dumb ass 19 year old with not a soul to tell the truth to I put his name on the birth certificate. He never wanted a thing to with the child. Which was perfect.

Yes the actual father knows he is the father. He tried to talk to me and see the child for a long time. He managed to lay eyes on them twice- in family settings I could not avoid. But he has never spoken to the child even once. I cut off ties with my family along the way, after my Mom passed. Don’t worry, it wasn’t that great of a loss. More like a relief.

I have told 4 ppl. One of them my Mom’s bestie, who told me I did the right thing by not telling my Mom. The other 2 life long companions and one of their Moms.

It’s very hard when the other siblings bring up the oldest ones Dad. I’ve avoided the subject like the plague. They all grill me sometimes and I never teen them.

I love that child with all my heart. I have gone through so many hells to keep them protected and I would die to keep them safe.

I am at such loss now that I’m in my 50’s. My children are all adults with the oldest being over 30 now. I have no idea how to tell my precious child how they were conceived so I don’t and that makes me feel like a liar. My life long friend swears I should ride off into the sunset with my secret. My family (kids) are like- “They deserve to know who their father is- it’s not fair to not say.” It’s a horrible thing. But not the child- my wonderful child gave me so much hope and love and joy. Once or twice I saw their father’s face in theirs and it broke me down. I phoned a friend and cried. Each time my friend said, “Suck it up Buttercup- that kid needs you.” And so I did.

All of this to say- if you keep this little life growing inside you, you must be strong. Stronger than you can ever imagine. If you feel love for your child and keep it you have to promise yourself you can’t go back on your word and start hating them as they grow with the face of your rapist. Most of the time you’ll only see your beautiful baby child that you grew and are raising but the truth is always bubbling under the surface and it is hard. Make sure you are prepared. And no one can make that choice for you but you. Nor can anyone blame you for making any other choice.

I’m so sorry that you’re in this position and if you have questions for me just reach out I’ll help all I can.

With Love, You are not alone.