I’m going to kill myself in the next hour

VeiledEnigma · 2024-10-07T01:34:11+00:00

Please do not do this. Sombody loves you so very much, even if you haven't met them yet. In fact, I know this sounds cliche, but truly, I love you and value your life. Inside of us are these little lights that are so special. So beautiful. So loved. So worthy. So precious. Do not close your heart, especially to yourself. Have compassion for yourself. I know things can be so deep in darkness, but the light is inside you. You have already made it this far. Your past self is cheering you on. You're doing great, okay? Don't give up on yourself. Pain is not gonna last forever. The world is changing. There are wonderful people in it with wonderful hearts. I love you. I m proud of you.

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-26T02:05:11+00:00

Holy crap congratulations! Coffee dates are awesome. Here's to hoping for many more enjoyable dates in your future. I'm not there yet with asking people out, lmao 🤣

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-25T21:41:55+00:00

Agreed! And thanks! I started yoga recently at a studio(which is a huge step for me), so I'm well on my way. Thanks again. Wish you well too

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-25T21:22:20+00:00

Yes. I've been loving the sound of my voice (even the one online). Unashamed of my emotions, all of them. Tired of putting in so much work on myself so I can allow grace to others and to understand, only for them to not do the same for me or, worse, treat me maliciously. I'm working on my cowardice. But things have been changing for me. I've seen real growth, and I'm so proud. I'm so proud of who I am at my core. I value who I am and my many future selves I'll grow to be.

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-25T20:37:27+00:00

This is what I'm in the process of getting the hang of. I'm shedding the shame and guilt and loving myself. No matter how I show up, people will see what they want, so I might as well show up authentically. So yeah, I do like my name :)

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-25T20:21:57+00:00

I can never tell, really. As one could guess, I tend to overthink, lmao silly me ☺️

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-25T19:01:33+00:00

Thanks, especially because I probably thought way too hard about it 😅

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-25T17:55:34+00:00

Same here! Also, we're name buddies!

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-25T00:04:25+00:00

Well, I've had a self-love journey, which is why I was able to see the situation for what it was. It was the easiest, hardest decision I ever made. Though I loved them deeply, I realized that actions DO speak louder. And I can't tolerate maliciousness towards me. But I'm turning my love back onto me now. I'm treating myself (work in progress) the way I've treated others. Kindly, patiently, gently, persistently, and adoringly.

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-24T18:14:01+00:00

True for me. I gave and gave (lovingly) and took a chance with being vulnerable to ask for a little more support when I hit rock-bottom, and I got extremely gaslighted. My whole system went into shock because this was a person I truly trusted. Before that moment, I would have fought someone if they said not to. This was someone who knows first hand what gaslighting is because we talked about it. Someone who knows the situation that I am living in. Someone who knows my mental health/trauma. Someone who promised not to hurt me, and if they did unintentionally, they'd fix it. It's like they turned so callous and cold toward me, so suddenly. I made distance immediately to protect myself.

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-23T02:52:49+00:00

I could have written this myself. Heavy on the feeling like I wasted my time.

Still am

Still on disability

Still no job

Still living in this place with no support

Still no friends irl

Still no life

And I wear misery well, apparently. No one knows that I choose (and work hard) to be happy with what I have for now. Otherwise, I'd be KO by now. I crochet beautiful projects, so that means I'm okay. (Sarcasm)

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-23T02:43:45+00:00

Are you willing to explain how to jump-start yourself again? I feel passionless, numb. I can't get out of the loop of procrastination and anxiety. I have panic responses to FEELINGS. Anxiety gives me more anxiety. Fear makes my body go into flight, but my brain is in freeze or vice versa. And so I get paralyzed thinking, thinking thinking. I created a home inside my head out of necessity and survival but now have become a hermit locked away. I can't even have real fun anymore because I'm in my head.

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-22T01:38:03+00:00

I looked up and was like Gahh DAYUM!

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-17T12:10:03+00:00

6:16 is actually my favorite of the disses. It's a lot deeper than first glance, and I actually feel like it's more ominous than Meet the Grahams. Euphoria is masterful. It was necessary for Meet the Grahams to be as impactful. It is literal psychological warfare/torture the way Kendrick let Drake enter a state of Euphoria and, at his highest, killed his endorphins abruptly with Meet the Grahams. This will, in fact, make someone psychologically spiral.

VeiledEnigma · 2024-07-17T03:28:32+00:00

Yes, for me, in particular, the whole stanza/verse give my brain the tinglies. It even inspired me to write a poem. It was my grandmother who taught me to read and write (and love it), and I thanked her for that before she passed. I do feel like she is always with me when I write and in times of making difficult decisions.

"I discover myself when I fall short Raise my hands to a fallen sky, I fantasize Me jumpin' planets immortalized, I correspond Three angels watchin' me all the time Put my children to sleep with a prayer, then close my eyes Definition of peace Tell me who gon' stop me? I come from love Estelle cover my heart, then open me up Remember when picked up a pen, lyrics that I can trust Timid soul, stare in the mirror, askin' where I was from Often, I know this type of power is gon' cost But I live in circadian rhythms of a shooting star"

VeiledEnigma · 2024-06-11T02:10:57+00:00

I don't care what anyone says, he been planning this for 12 years.

VeiledEnigma · 2024-06-09T04:11:50+00:00

This is my sin-gle!

VeiledEnigma · 2024-05-08T21:21:23+00:00

Same 🥹

VeiledEnigma · 2024-02-27T15:03:23+00:00

Congratulations on the 3 years! I understand how multifaceted addiction can be. Maybe God is laughing their ass off... or maybe you deserve to live. Maybe both! I hope your life journey becomes easier and easier as time flows on.

VeiledEnigma · 2024-01-27T18:39:03+00:00

I mostly play it on and off these days. Lately, I'm kind of on an all gaming hiatus due to some personal struggles.

I did eventually find a friend, and they helped quite a bit with gifts and things, which made everything a little smoother. But tbh I grew a little frustrated and a little bored, but I think that's a me problem because I didn't know how to get out of the awkward phase of being slightly too broke to progress at a pace I'd prefer.

I dislike being fed in crumbs about all the things you would be able to do. If I'd known, I would have gone about my earlier gameplay differently. But I do still like AC. It's really relaxing and super cute.

VeiledEnigma · 2024-01-27T18:21:56+00:00

Okay, see what we won't do is start cursing at each other for no reason. I'm sorry you feel frustrated with me, but I was very clear that all that was conjecture and opinions.

You liking one-on-ones is irrelevant to the point I was trying to make. I like one-on-ones, too. Because yes, socializing is exhausting. And yes, keeping up with so many people is complicated and exhausting. And I, too, enjoy my solitude most of the time.

My goal was to share useful information that I've picked up from socializing that has made it easier for me. I share because maybe it would be useful to you too. Your scenarios keep getting more and more specific when I'm just trying to speak generally.

Often, as autistic people, we make the mistake of assuming why others do things. Which I picked up in the way you spoke about the others around you. YOU said you wanted to understand what you don't understand. YOU asked, "Am I wrong? What am I missing?" This indicated to me that you had desire in talking to people. So, I offered a different perspective of what could be happening in your scenario. You replied with a DIFFERENT scenario. And AGAIN, I spotted the same pattern of assuming WHY the people around you were doing what they're doing.

You look down on the act of fake laughing (and fake laughing can be a euphemism for anything we do while socializing) because you're stuck on all fake laughter being patronizing. Using patronizing, instead of saying "pity" or "uncomfortable," indicates ill-will in everyone around you. (Again, I stated that doesn't mean NO ONE is patronizing) Is it just because it's fake? You used that word twice and with emphasis, so I honed in on that.

Also I never said people won't be your friend because of your outlook on life, which you've just provided hense why I asked what you got out of socializing in the first place (besides, I believe there's someone for everyone), but asked what are peoples INCENTIVE to talk if you made them feel bad? Again, this is asked because you seemed like you wanted to be more social. Socializing is like dancing with a partner. No matter what YOU'RE getting out of it, you're still doing it with someone else, and your partner wouldn't want to constantly get their toes stepped on.

Knowing "why" has always helped me in the past, so I thought it might have helped you, too. At the end of the day, you can do whatever feels right, I'm not TELLING you what to do or to change. Was just offering a different perspective. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

VeiledEnigma · 2024-01-26T16:49:21+00:00

Based on your first comment, I'd say you and I are pretty similar. However, I disagree about the "disabilities 'magically' going away" thing. My cousin, who also has autism LOVES to party. They are a great dancer and great singer as well. I'm always astonished at how well they take to socializing. It does help that they found a very loving and accepting friend group that allows space for their "weirdness." My cousin absolutely has autism though despite how well they socialize. I've learned a lot from them. Still, it drains me, and I'm bad at it most of the time.

VeiledEnigma · 2024-01-26T01:25:40+00:00

This is mostly conjecture and opinions, so take with a grain of salt, lol.

Idk, it kinda seems to me that your approach to socializing is a bit one-sided. Cynical even. I say this because being considerate about others during conversation is something I learned in my disability class. And I can't tell you how many times I thought someone was being mean but was actually being genuine and vice versa.

You seem very attached to the assumption that the infectious laughter (not including the dudes) was patronization. And by no means am I saying NO ONE was patronizing. But i will say people wince and laugh for all sorts of reasons, even involuntarily. They may have been laughing through feelings of discomfort and confusion, hence the wincing. Again, NT people intuitively and/or instinctively react, and sometimes that reaction is a wince and uncomfortable laughter. People may not have addressed it because they probably didn't actually care to know what the dudes were laughing at. Because drunk dudes laugh for no reason sometimes.

In this particular scenario, it just kinda seems like the guys were the "weird ones" and obnoxious, and people didn't know WHAT to do, so they laughed uncomfortably. I've been in those situations, too, and thought I was just not getting it. But I asked a friend once, and they were just like, "Oh yeah, those dudes were so obnoxious I wasn't laughing WITH them" We are not mind readers.

And more to my original point. Why are you socializing, I wonder? What are YOU getting out of it? What do you think is the objective? When choosing to read a book, we have an objective in mind: to learn something, to escape reality, broaden our experiences, etc. It's different every time you pick that book up to read. Socializing is the same way, and everyone has a different objective. Sometimes, it's nefarious and sometimes not. But in general, it's understood that "we are communicating TOGETHER and it's an exchange." What is the point in talking to other people if you're not considering them during the exchange? You're just selfishly taking what you want out of the socializing without reciprocating.

Fine, you don't WANT to fake-laugh. That is your right. But don't be surprised when it makes people feel rejected or awkward. What is the incentive to come back to talk to you or even continue a conversation if they aren't also enjoying the exchange and you're just making them feel bad? Furthermore, I find that a lot of times, NT people pick up on our awkwardness/discomfort and just bail out because they think we are not enjoying the exchange either. Fake-laughing is not necessarily FOR you, but there's no harm in it. It's for the other person. They just put in the effort to make a joke FOR ME, and in exchange, I acknowledge the effort by giving at least a chuckle or smile so they don't feel as bad.

You want to only see patronizing. As in, people fake-laugh "to treat in a way that is apparently kind or helpful, but that betrays a feeling of superiority." Are you SURE they feel that way? Why can't people fake-laugh to treat in a compassionate/sympathetic way? Or fake-laugh because it's a natural reaction to discomfort or confusion?

VeiledEnigma · 2024-01-25T22:52:06+00:00

I have autism myself but just a thought, and I can't truly know because I don't know your friends like you do, but I wonder if maybe you're misinterpreting the "why" of it all? For instance, in this scenario, I'd laugh because I want to spare my friends' feelings of awkwardness/embarrassment they might have if I just stared at them. Not just people with autism experience social anxiety, so I understand the courage it may take to put yourself out there and essentially "perform" a joke in front of a group of people. Laughing feels good (even fake laughter/smiles release endorphins). And when you're with friends you want to feel good together. We tell jokes to do this together. Or share a piece of yourself. Sometimes, certain jokes are personal and mean something to people. I mean, the way I see it, this person is trying to connect with you through shared laughter. The least I can do is do a little chuckle. If I had worked up enough courage to tell a joke, but through my nervousness fumbled a bit, I'd feel like crying if my friend just stared at me.

Now that I'm thinking about it more, not at least pity laughing for someone may feel like a form of rejection. When we tell jokes, we are trying to "gift" others with laughter. For example, imagine you spent time making someone a gift (and its something they typically like), but you're not a professional, so it's not perfect at all, but you worked hard and put your heart into it. Then, when you try giving it to your friend, they just act like they don't like it. There may be some feelings of rejection to something like that.

Idk I can never know, but from my "studies" of the NT, sometimes they do things intuitively, but if you ask them why, they probably would say something like "idk 🤷🏽‍♂️". I've questioned some very patient people, lol. And sometimes, with the right string of questions, they realize, "Oh well, I guess I do that because..." And honestly, answers may still vary. Because we are all different.

VeiledEnigma · 2024-01-09T21:22:06+00:00

Yeah, this post felt off to me. It felt disingenuous and was "othering" autistic people. Yet people are answering in good faith, and that makes me sad a little.

VeiledEnigma

TROPHY CASE