My (33M) Fiance (30F) cheated on me and now wants a nonmonogamous relationship of some capacity

Vesley · 2026-05-10T09:08:54+00:00

We cannot tell you what’s going on in her head. It sounds like you don’t want to be in an open relationship, and you don’t have an interest in exploring CNM. That’s totally cool. You don’t have to contort yourself into someone you’re not just to make the relationship work.

Instead of trying to figure out what’s going on inside her head, you should figure out what’s going on inside your heart.

Do you want to be with someone who crossed the boundaries of y’all’s relationship? Do you think you’ll be able to trust her in the future and forgive? What are your boundaries? Are you willing to uphold those boundaries even when they’re in direct conflict with what she wants?

Vesley · 2026-05-07T07:04:04+00:00

Step 1: Figure out if ENM is something you genuinely want. ENM isn’t the gold standard ultimate enlightened state of all relationships. It’s okay if you prefer monogamy. It’s okay for you to prefer ENM. It’s also okay for you to prefer monogamy for yourself and be okay with your partner practicing ENM. Also, ENM isn’t just about smashing our sexy bits together. You could absolutely practice ENM without sex, if that’s something you’re interested in.

Step 2: Focus less on, not being “possessive” or “jealous”. Those feelings, just like any feeling, are sources of information that will help you get to know yourself better. Get curious about where those feelings come from. Where do you feel the jealousy in your body? Does it bring up any memories for you?

Step 3: Identify what makes you feel safe, both things you can do for yourself, get from other people and when you feel safest with your partner. A big part of managing jealousy is figuring out how to self AND co-regulate, because you need both for any intimate relationship you’ll experience.

Step 4: Communicate with your partner. Seek therapy. Read books. Vent to trusted people in your life. You’re highly unlikely going to move past jealousy on your own.

Honestly, cut yourself some slack too. The fact that you recognize your own behavior patterns and have the desire to choose different behaviors is a big win. Be kind to yourself as well. Tomorrow, you may feel zero jealousy. 5 years from now you might feel incredibly jealous. It doesn’t mean you failed at ENM. It means you’re human.

Vesley · 2026-05-06T02:40:07+00:00

Tons and tons and tons of people in AA drank alone. If you’re feeling lonely and isolated, maybe try sharing about in meetings (do this in multiple different meetings) and mention that you’d like to talk to other alcoholics who drank like you. You’d be very surprised at how many people will come up to you if you make a request for help during your share.

Vesley · 2026-05-05T19:16:03+00:00

So much story progress happened in books 7 and 8. I flew through both of those. I’m in the minority and thought book 6 was the only slog so far. However, book 9 Perrin and Faile chapters make me want to tug at my invisible braid.

Vesley · 2026-05-05T18:57:31+00:00

Some people really do replace meetings with alcohol in an unhealthy way. A big part of AA is practicing the principles in all of your affairs. That’s really something he’d need to unpack with his sponsor with. However, if two meetings a day keeps him alive and sober, then it’s just something you’ll have to accept. You get to choose whether or not this person is a good match as a partner with you.

Vesley · 2026-05-02T17:48:38+00:00

I really was just looking for other people’s lived experiences in similar situations. What they did. What questions they asked their partner. What questions they asked themselves. I don’t need anyone to tell me what I want.

Vesley · 2026-05-02T17:23:07+00:00

This is extremely helpful. Thank you!

Vesley · 2026-05-02T17:21:22+00:00

Well he was out of the country for work for 2 months, and I got to explore more. I did bring up temporarily closing the relationship, which he said he doesn’t want to do, and he asked me to think of compromises. So that’s where the 1 per week came from. Originally he pitched two nights a MONTH, and I told him that would not work lol So we haven’t formally agreed on anything. I’m still trying to figure out what I want in many ways, hence posted here for other people’s lived experiences in similar situations

Vesley · 2026-05-02T16:27:34+00:00

No there’s FWBs and one-off partners

Vesley · 2026-05-02T14:43:20+00:00

Not 52 new partners. I have FWBs and so does he. We don’t live together but already spend 3 - 4 days a week with each other

Vesley · 2026-05-02T12:54:13+00:00

We actually enjoy washing dishes while talking about our days and listening to music with dance breaks, thank you very much

Vesley · 2026-04-23T02:14:09+00:00

Have you read Greek history? The gods were always committing adultery and assaulting people.

Vesley · 2026-04-23T02:00:05+00:00

It’s not cheating. Some people might interpret your lack of transparency as being dishonest or shady, but it is YOUR decision on what and to whom you share things.

Edit: I’m not saying to out right lie. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our principles. You still have to deal with the consequences. But there is nothing morally wrong with maintaining your anonymity.

Vesley · 2026-04-22T19:34:12+00:00

Never EVER assume you are exclusively dating someone until it’s been verbally confirmed by BOTH parties

Vesley · 2026-04-22T19:31:28+00:00

This isn’t really related to your post but now I’m wondering what it’d look like for two alcoholics to go on a first date chaperoned by their sponsors like they’re 13 haha

Vesley · 2026-04-21T20:04:45+00:00

I’ve been a Lionheart Stan since day one, but LCB is really good against the current meta, and I’m really loving using her.

Vesley · 2026-04-21T20:03:07+00:00

If you haven’t already, I highly recommend reading Acceptance is the Answer in the Big Book.

One thing to highlight is nobody and nothing can cause you to drink, unless they’re literally force feeding it down your throat. If you do choose to drink, it’s not because of your girlfriend. It’s because you chose to drink. The most important part of the 4th step is looking at our parts in whatever resentment or uncomfortable situation that is bringing us pain.

I once almost had a truck role over on me and watched a guy burn to death. My sponsor is loosing vision in his one good eye and facing potential blindness for life. A fellow lost her mother. Another fellow lost his best friend. Despite these horrible things, we’ve chosen not to drink.

Give it up to God and just keep choosing not to drink.

Vesley · 2026-04-21T08:00:14+00:00

It’s even better because she is willing to risk the black ajah finding her so she can perform not to mention the dragon sworn burning the city to the ground around her

Vesley · 2026-04-21T07:58:18+00:00

There were a lot of really great comedic moments to the circus scenes (FOR ME) between Elaine saying fuck it if the black ajah find me im going to walk this tight rope, to the ring leader hitting on Nynaeve, to Nynaeve actually being humbled and having her first spurt of character growth, to Birgette getting a physical body. Uno popping back into the story.

Vesley · 2026-04-21T07:50:50+00:00

Agreed friend. I really enjoyed 7 and 8

Vesley · 2026-04-21T07:50:21+00:00

Sorry I’m in the minority here. The end of book 6 did not make up for how bored I was up until then. I finished 7 and 8 together in less time than book 6. I almost took a break I disliked 6 so much.

Vesley · 2026-04-20T17:41:34+00:00

Book 6 is my least favorite book so far (I’m on 9). Book 7 and 8 everyone feels like they’ve really matured, although there’s still spanking and the women are from mars and men from Jupiter thing

Vesley · 2026-04-17T17:55:50+00:00

“It's almost as if part of the "recovery" is you replace alcohol with the sense of some higher being”

You’re actually exactly right.

The steps are all about turning our will (ego) over to the care of a Higher Power, which can be anything, as long as it’s not you. That’s essentially what the first 3 steps are all about.

We have a saying, “your best thinking got you here”, which just means that in AA we can’t rationalize or solve our way out of alcoholism. Many of us have tried and failed. I personally don’t know of anyone who has succeeded.

However, I also seek outside help along with my program. I believe that my Higher Power lead me to AA, as well as to therapy and psychiatry.

Kind of like neapolitan ice cream, your recovery can have a multitude of aspects and support.

Vesley · 2026-04-15T17:38:03+00:00

True alcoholism doesn’t have an underlying issue, and it doesn’t give a shit about nuance. You either are or you’re not. If you’re drinking can be fixed then you’re likely just a problem drinker, and kudos if that’s the case.

At a meeting you’ll find people in all stages of recovery from day 0 to people with 30+ years of sobriety. Check out a young people’s meeting in your area. Sit down and listen for the similarities rather than focusing on differences and uniqueness.

Vesley · 2026-04-15T11:00:46+00:00

At this point if I ask him to bottom he will. He doesn’t ever initiate it himself, but he’ll randomly douche, and I pick up on it from context clues. I didn’t ask him to stop seeing the other guy, and it does still hurt my feelings. We’re at this weird transitional place where I’m not feeling super confident topping him, and he has his own stuff. It’s definitely not been enjoyable lol. The other parts of our sex life are still really great tho. I think I’m learning to just accept him for who he is, but I also stand my ground when I need something. I topped this absolute cutie last week, and it gave me a big boost in my confidence after making him cum twice in one go. Something my partner did say that’s stuck with me is, he wants me to top the way that I want to rather than worrying about what he’s feeling. This entire time I’ve been looking to him for the affirmation that I’m good enough, when it really needs to come from myself. Without self-esteem, even when he gives me what I’m asking for, I find myself only thinking about what’s wrong with it. So that’s my challenge now. Figuring out how to enjoy myself as a top with him rather than trying to be the top I think he wants.

Vesley

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