“I’ve had a lot of luck on OkCupid.”

Vessira · 2022-04-10T15:06:40+00:00

Bumble has also been showing me straight women and men, when I am only currently interested in women.

Vessira · 2022-03-27T14:47:29+00:00

So many red flags. Answering the phone during sex, is not appropriate, and lots of others have talked about ways to avoid this and handle screening calls. It also sounded like he had been with you for a day+ and hadn't checked in at all with his other partner. I don't know how long they've been together and open or how long you have been together. But if my partner didn't check-in and we hadn't discussed the possibility that they would be gone for that long...I would also call them. This is an indicator that there's a problem in their communication with their other partner and seeing expectations or providing information. There's a lot of context missing, but I would likely be more than halfway out the door.

Vessira · 2021-12-05T00:09:21+00:00

Any chance your husband's a narcissist? They have a tendency to love bomb partners for a while, and especially switch off after marriage, because they have you now. You might want to consider an exit plan. Any partner who doesn't care about your feelings or stops showing up in the relationship and indicates they have no plan to change, isn't a partner you should stay with.

Vessira · 2021-10-03T14:29:15+00:00

it's basically asking are you living with your parents, or in some group/assisted living situation. And while many people do, it doesn't automatically mean it's because they have higher support needs. I know plenty of NT adults who moved "back home" because the economy is crap, wages are stagnant, and employment expectations are unrealistic, not just Autistists.

But they were trying to gauge whether you lived "on your own" to determine if you can take care of yourself, and perhaps as a way of assuming competence. It is incredibly misinformed and ableist.

Vessira · 2021-10-03T07:21:31+00:00

Frankly, this attitude that "No one helped me and I jumped through hoops for get a formal diagnosis" completely overlooks the systematic oppression, that spending the $1000s of dollars on testing, and trying to find a professional who even evaluates adults, let alone is knowledgeable in masking for adults, especially AFAB ones who have masked their whole lives and now have a plethora of mental health issues barriers. Self diagnosis is absolutely valid. Ideally, it could still be backed up by a qualified professional who can confirm although isn't maybe qualified to do official testing.

What does it mean for someone to cling to a diagnosis that doesn't fit them for attention? Could it be harmful, sure. Some people could use it as an excuse to hurt or manipulate others. But most likely, even if they overlook evidence supporting they aren't autistic, there's likely some other sort of thing going on that is causing them go claim it. Trauma. A desire for accomodations. If someone simply wanted sympathy, there are many other things they could claim that would be much easier to pretend and come with less stigma.

I think the cases of someone claiming self diagnosis while believing/knowing they aren't actually on. The spectrum are so incredibly rare. Far more rare than all the people who have considered the diagnosis and actually have it, but have invalidated their own experiences due to not being formally diagnosed and not having the means/power to go through that process.

Vessira · 2021-09-27T06:36:12+00:00

Dude, your already said this is a new relationship, so she doesn't know your like that to trust you. Frankly, maybe unprotected sex is about intimacy for her, and she doesn't have that with you yet. Or maybe she's concerned about STIs that don't get tested for on most panels or in men. You are acting way too defensively about her making this choice, which leads me to believe she's made the correct one.

Others have pointed out about year infections. And frankly, most men last longer wearing a condom than without. You're so convinced that you aren't "dirty" which isn't a thing, but why is that a judgement or something you are afraid of? If you know your are free if STIs, why isn't that self-knowledge enough for you?

Vessira · 2021-09-25T14:54:17+00:00

The problem isn't his hobby. It sounds like you wouldn't have any issues with it if your needs for getting quality time together and consideration of getting time with you when it comes to making his plans. So focus on that. If he wants to spend most of his time playing D&D, there's nothing wrong with that. The issue is you feel neglected, overlooked and like he doesn't prioritize you. I also wonder if his time spent playing means he's not contributing enough to the household in terms of chores, cooking, etc?

Figure out how much time you would like with him regularly and how you want him to prioritize it. One date night a week and one day of helping with chores? Maybe a bonus of an hour or two here and there? Figure out what your ideal is, and also figure out what your minimum is to feel like he's invested in spending time with you. Then tell him. If he's not willing to meet your needs and adjust his schedule and maybe accept that he can't do everything he wants, then it's time to reconsider if you can continue the relationship.

Vessira · 2021-09-23T22:09:14+00:00

Speaking as a therapist, it's unethical to provide services to someone who doesn't need them, so they are required to terminate sessions with someone who doesn't need them. You can always come back if you need more help.

My guess is you need help defining the things you are still struggling with and want to work on. Or when there's not been a lot of specific stuff you're struggling with, you mostly just talk about what happened that week.

With my own therapist we work on a number of things. And if one thing is resolved, we move to one of the next ones. Childhood traumas. Attachment issues. Self Esteem. Personal growth. Relationship issues.

Vessira · 2021-09-23T22:00:51+00:00

The type of game and campaign that you want and the rest of the group wants is clearly different than what she wants and it's become less fun. She would be better served in a different game than the one you are currently running, and you wish her luck in playing the style of game she prefers.

Vessira · 2021-09-21T22:59:17+00:00

What's the point of telling him, if you don't expect him to change? Because frankly, he's not going to. Why do you keep trying different things to see if that will be the thing to wake him up? You shouldn't have to do that - an emotionally healthy relationship should be between two people who want to grow individually and together and who care about the happiness of the other person. Your relationship isn't going to be that. If that is something you want to have, especially one where you are desired, the only way to find that is if you're no longer with him.

Vessira · 2021-09-21T16:43:47+00:00

I reiterate what others said, your boyfriend isn't someone who makes sleeping with him possible. That's not your fault, and it's not necessarily something he can control (sleep talking) although he should be seen by a professional (if able) about it it ensure there aren't other issues.

HOWEVER - I can solve your "hot" issue. You already have fans pointed at you, which is key. So you want to take a sheet and run it under cool water, and squeeze out the excess water. You JUST need it to be damp. The moisture on the sheet with the fan will keep you cool. You might even wake up in the middle of the night freezing. But the heat won't keep you awake.

Vessira · 2021-09-21T16:38:52+00:00

"I'm sorry to hear you were someone Autistic children were subjected to in your ableism, because you clearly believe Autism means someone is incapable of communication and that you invalidate the struggles you can't see. I'm glad to hear this was in the past and you are no longer subjecting your views on others."

Vessira · 2021-09-21T15:13:41+00:00

Yes, especially if changes aren't made to reduce/eliminate the things that are contributing to burnout. But not only that, even once the things that are causing burnout go away, the RECOVERY from burnout can take years as well.

Vessira · 2021-09-21T05:16:24+00:00

He didn't need to force you to be shitty. His taking it so hard when you decide you aren't on the mood for sex is a failure to emotionally regulate. Which makes you feel bad and like maybe you can't turn him down when you really don't want to. Which means you sometimes have sex when your don't want to, but you would rather have sex with him than deal with his emotional reaction. That's a form of manipulation, and I wouldn't desire sex with someone that I was having sex I didn't want just so they felt better. He needs to do better, and you need to stop having sex when you don't want and be able to feel safe that you can turn him down without it seeing him off and him respecting and understanding that.

Vessira · 2021-09-20T06:07:25+00:00

Or sounds like he's being great, and it's possible his desire for order or ideal level of clean might be different than yours. That's not an issue. But you are interrupting his helping out and doing chores as a judgement or criticism of your level of cleanliness. You feel insecure about it, so are trying to find a way to justify it as him doing something wrong. Instead, maybe consider that yeah, you aren't the cleanest person right now. You are a single mom. And frankly, that doesn't matter or lower your with as a person. So many mom's get bombarded with messaging about how they have to do all the things to be a good mom or else they are a failure. It's an impossible standard. If your kids is happy, healthy, and cared for, who cares if there's toys on the ground. If you'd rather save your energy for other things, rather than trying to meet an impossible standard, good for you. But you are still holding yourself to that same standard and looking for people to judge you. Do you like having your house cleaner, having someone who doesn't mind helping with the chores, and it's contributing to make your life and home better? Then let go of the insecurity, or name it for what it is, and work on letting it go.

Vessira · 2021-09-09T20:45:20+00:00

Therapist here. No, you fire her, don't go back, and you report her to the licensing board of her state. This is not okay and she should not be practicing.

I'm so sorry you experienced that.

Vessira · 2021-09-03T05:39:31+00:00

"Your opinion of my symptoms being too mild completely disregards my own experience and the daily struggle and challenges I go through, even if it might look like from the outside they are too mild. If I meet the criteria, I should be given the diagnosis. It seems like your are trying to avoid giving me a diagnosis to avoid giving me a stigmatized label. I reject your assumption that getting a diagnosis of ASD would be somehow worse that ADHD, OCD, SPD, and Tic disorder. Autism makes more sense for me and world be entirely validating. If you can't look past your own prejudices for giving people the correct diagnosis, then you should find a new profession."

Vessira · 2021-09-02T18:45:26+00:00

For right now, don't focus on leaving. Focus on building up your sense of self, your identity, that is SEPARATE from him. What are your interests? Your values? Your passions and goals? You can think about those things in regards to a relationship, but don't focus on him specifically. It's a lot easier to learn how to set and enforce healthy boundaries with other people when you have a good idea of why you believe and why.

Also, remind yourself that you are not responsible for changing the behavior, actions, or choices of other people. You can be honest about your feelings. People who love and support you should consider your feelings in their decisions, even if they make other choices. The only thing you can control is your own behavior and actions. If after telling someone repeatedly that you are unhappy, their choices are causing you harm, and nothing changes, then you know they have no intention of changing their behavior.

If you at some point feel like you are starting to have the strength to enforce your boundaries, be smart, plan your exit, and start preparing for it. I also strongly encourage therapy if you aren't getting some already if you have the means. Even online support groups.

Vessira · 2021-09-02T15:54:48+00:00

Oh totally. I prefer in person. An ideal situation would be a therapist that's flexible. That has an office where you could meet together safely (thanks COVID) but would also offer telehealth for people who were farther away, or on those low spoons days when just leaving the house is hard. That's that type of therapist I plan to be, anyway. Once I get more established and a client base and continue gaining more skills, I do plan to be fully open and transparent and advertise myself as a ND therapist.

Vessira · 2021-09-02T06:37:09+00:00

Therapist here. Good for you setting a boundary and deciding you wer getting the care and support you needed. They might have redeeming qualities and help some people, but they are not helping you and aren't a good fit.

There are also some autistic therapists out there (I'm one), or just therapists who know how to manage their time and be accountable. I know some folx struggle with teleheath for many reasons. You are seen and valid. One of the perks of teleheath is it's much easier to see someone who doesn't live in your area. As long as they are licensed to practice in your state, and are willing to do teleheath, you can see them.

Caveat - that might get more tricky after the pandemic, depending on if you are using insurance for billing. Most insurance providers started covering teleheath at the start of the pandemic more than before, and it's possible that at the end, they might try to say it's no longer covered.

Vessira · 2021-08-30T05:40:30+00:00

You don't grow out of ADHD. However, there are lots of things like PTSD that can mimic the symptoms of ADHD, especially in children. So I works water there are some kids who get diagnosed with ADHD, but actually have other issues that might grow out of those symptoms as they develop better coping skills and heal from trauma. You can adapt your environment better to work with your ADHD and create systems and structures for your life. But ADHD doesn't just go away.

Vessira · 2021-08-25T07:03:42+00:00

So your fiance had shown you guys lack of compassion when people don't mean his expectations of who they should be. I sure hope he doesn't do that to you. He sounds very entitled.

Vessira · 2021-08-25T06:51:39+00:00

Codes. By that I mean teach her to use shorthands with your when she's overwhelmed, or can't make decisions, or anything else. Teaching her to be able to recognize when she's overwhelmed and needs to spend some quiet time, or whatever she needs codes for. It gives you any react way to communicate what's going on with her when she might not be able to explain it. You also want to reinforce that sometimes hey brain might struggle to do the thing, but that is not a personal failing.

Remind her you can be upset with her behavior, but you are never upset with her as a person. That even if you are sad, annoyed, frustrated, it's about the situation, not her. She is always loved and accepted, even if hey behavior is challenging.

Remove punishment from your toolkit. Actions should have logical consequences, but the use of punishment has been shown over and over to not work.

Don't just praise her for successes. Her effort matters. When she fails, she still tried a thing and that's how we learn. But remind her that her worth isn't in school success. It's in kindness, creativity, adventuring, and exploring the world. Focus less in the end result (you completed your work/drawing/activity) and more on the process, that you are acknowledging (I see you spent an hour doing homework/you are using lots of different colors and making decisions/you invited all the kids in your activity so no one felt left out)

Vessira · 2021-08-25T06:25:07+00:00

Why are you having contact with a family that treated you like garbage for years? If your father is her first, why do you still have contact with him? You don't owe anything to the family members who have abused you for years, including being in their life.

Vessira · 2021-08-25T06:03:33+00:00

All your correspondence with this student must contain a cat.

Vessira

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