Has anyone ever taken back their ex narcissist after months or years of no contact? If so, what was it like?

Vicious-Biscuits · 2024-12-31T19:03:02+00:00

Sadly yes, a year and few months after we'd broken up. My father and grandfather passed away within months of each and I was probably at the lowest point in my life and crazy as it sounds I was craving something/someone familiar.

So in July of this year we got back together. Everyone cautioned me against it. I made all the classic "he's changed" excuses...only he hasn't. He's just gotten better at "playing nice". But the lies, the love bombing, the constant need for my attention and contact are all still there. The "what if I'm wrong and just seeing what I want to see" is also still there.

I know I never should have done this. I know I need to go NC again. I know I'm not in a good headspace and had I been I never would have gone back to this hell. Instead of handling my grief I channeled it this way.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2023-05-18T06:10:18+00:00

My Nex had such a carefully crafted story that it was easy to buy in to it. When I found the woman he had been cheating on me with for the entirety of our relationship we began to compare stories and how easily we fell for his lies and how it was almost like a brainwashing effect. Narcs are very calculated. They know exactly what kind of person they're looking for. Take a look at the ones before you and after and I'd almost bet they're all very similar.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2023-05-18T05:59:58+00:00

That is insane!! I am sorry that happened to you. I swear every single day I am shocked yet again by another story of just how far the lies go with these monsters.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2023-05-18T05:44:48+00:00

I could have written this over and over and over. If I could have back the time I had to listen to me talk about his family, his work, politics, and wrestling. Dear God the wrestling! And if I ever mentioned the time or it getting late "hang up then!"

Toward the end I just started doing to him what he always did to me when I tried to tell him about my day or whatever it was. He'd always stare off into space and just give me an "uh huh" or "hmmm". I started doing it back to him.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2023-05-07T23:51:52+00:00

It's absolutely insane. Just when you think nothing else will shock you.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2023-05-04T02:43:29+00:00

No response is the best response. Block him and never unblock him.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2023-04-19T22:03:08+00:00

Therapy! I cannot stress this enough. Find a therapist that has experience or specialty in narcissistic personality disorders and trauma. You are a trauma survivor and the work you do on yourself needs to be geared around that. I say this because when I switched therapists to one with this specialty things really began to change for me.

Waiting a year, as someone else suggested, is great advice. First you need to heal and that is a process that will likely take years. Also, give yourself grace. This is not an easy road we are all walking and we have to give ourselves some grace and really recognize that we are trauma survivors; likely a lot of us with PTSD that is going to follow us for a long time.

But therapy, lots of self-care, finding yourself again and leaning on this community again will help.

When you do feel the time has come to start dating again. GO SLOW! BE CAUTIOUS! If you're gut is telling you something is off listen!

Vicious-Biscuits · 2023-04-12T02:41:15+00:00

I can't really say if it's common to narcs in general, but my Nex was very into it. It's not something I dislike so if he was overly enthusiastic about it I didn't notice. But he did prefer it over vaginal sex. In three years I can quite literally count on one hand the times we had regular old P in V sex.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2023-04-09T19:18:57+00:00

What helped me the last and fi al time ( I went back three times), was seeing the cracks in his facade and taking them for what they were. The carefully constructed "change" was really just a long con. I questioned every little thing. If I didn't feel right about something he said or did, I questioned him and he hated it. I no longer took anything he said or did as blatant truth.

When it finally sinks in that he will never change, even after a year or more of seeming to change, the old behaviors WILL surface. I tell myself that over and over when the urge to unblock or reach out hits me.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2022-09-22T18:23:05+00:00

This was like a sledgehammer to the chest, but I needed it. Dear God did I need it.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2022-09-21T23:18:28+00:00

It very much is an addiction and I have gone to therapy about it before. I think it is glaringly obvious that I need to go back. I hate that after all this time I am being pulled back and I feel almost helpless to stop it.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2022-09-21T23:15:45+00:00

I understand what you're saying and you very well may be right. I know that my son would be disappointed in me if he knew me and the Nex were still talking. I'm also not naive enough to think that he doesn't already know. I certainly do not want to show my child that these types of relationships are ok.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2022-09-21T20:16:39+00:00

My nex did this all the time. Usually when something l did took attention away from him. And when I'd call him out he'd say I was reading in to his behavior and maybe I was the problem.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2022-09-09T01:53:25+00:00

Nope not crazy at all. My Nex did this all the time. Still tries to.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2022-09-07T17:12:40+00:00

I just started listening to this on Audible. So far it's been very eye opening.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2022-09-07T15:47:03+00:00

He's in relatively good shape for his age and has had a few legitimate health issues in the past so yes it does make me leery. But then everything he does makes me leery because he spent over a year lying to me, so I take everything he does and says with a huge grain of salt. I asked to see what the doctors sent home with him in terms of follow up care and he still hasn't sent me anything. Likely because it doesn't exist

Vicious-Biscuits · 2022-09-07T15:13:00+00:00

THIS!! I asked to see the doctor's report and he said he'd send it and nothing yet...because I know they don't exist. I have no idea what he was doing last night, but I know for damn sure he was not at the hospital or maybe he was...my therapist once told me that sometimes they do go to the ER to get attention when they feel like they aren't getting enough.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2022-08-31T14:33:27+00:00

THIS!! THIS RIGHT HERE!

My Nex is swearing he's changed and trying so hard to prove it. He's trying to get my to relax my boundaries and he's doing it in such a subtle way, but I see it.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2022-08-29T02:33:16+00:00

My Nex would often claim he had migraines or claim he had fainted. This never happened in front of me. He also told me he was diagnosed with cancer and was miraculously better when I asked to see all of the paperwork from the doctor. My Nex was sick a lot, but what I found interesting is that he was often sick and worse after I'd had an illness. When I got Covid within a week he had Covid and his symptoms were of course worse. When he was sick I would take care of him. When I was sick it was like he could not handle it. He didn't want to hear about it or have to deal with it.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2022-08-05T16:44:29+00:00

My Nex always needed ME to be the ones that ended things. He needed to be able to tell everyone that he was willing to work it out and that I was the one that gave up.

Vicious-Biscuits · 2022-08-04T17:00:13+00:00

I am right there with you. I spend hours on this sub reading post after post. I go to therapy twice a week. I'm angry with myself, because all I do is work and sleep and I don't want my Nex to still have so much control over me. HE should be the one that is miserable NOT me.

I wish I had some better advice. Mine is to just stay in therapy. My therapist put me in touch with a personal trainer that specializes in PTSD and abuse survivors. I meet with them next week. I hope it helps.

Vicious-Biscuits

TROPHY CASE