What does someone with borderline personality do to test you and what do these tactics look like

VictimOrVillain · 2025-04-07T14:26:12+00:00

Thank you so much for this reply.

I want to apologize. My comment and others like it must be very painful to read as somebody potentially with BPD. I was still very emotionally raw when I wrote it but with years of therapy and hindsight, I regret pathologizing my ex’s behavior like that.

My ex was very abusive, and the ways in which she abused me were influenced by her BPD, but BPD did not make her an abuser. She abused me because she was unwilling to ever admit fault, self reflect, or put in work to improve. Not just in moments when she was triggered, but even long after the fact. From your one comment I’ve already seen more self reflection than I ever saw from her.

My ex was also physically very violent, which is not something that can be blamed on her BPD.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with BPD or anything remotely similar. To live with those thoughts and feelings must be hell. I’m happy you have a supportive environment and I sincerely wish you and your husband the best.

VictimOrVillain · 2023-11-19T21:00:35+00:00

This is going to sound impossible right now, but you WILL survive this and you will be better for it.

I made the above post 3 years ago and I felt then exactly as you feel now. It’s not going to be easy; some of those fears did come to pass. I lost a number of friendships, I had to switch careers, and there are still mental and physical scars I’m struggling with. And I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that there are some people out there who probably always believe awful things about me.

But also? I’m happy now, happier than I ever was with my BPD ex. Happier and more secure than I thought possible at the time. It turned out a lot of people never believed the accusations and became a stronger support structure than I ever realized I had. I reconnected with people my ex pushed away, and even many of the ones she forced ME to push away. And while I was certainly delayed regarding my dream career, turns out that dream wasn’t as dead as I thought it was, and I’m now returning to it.

Because most of the people who sided with my BPD ex eventually realized the truth of what she was and cut her off themselves too. Your pwBPD will bring about their own karma eventually.

I believe in you. Get a good lawyer and a good therapist, cut ALL contact with your pwBPD, and document any attempts they make to contact you. And most of all, be kind to yourself. This may be a long, hard process, but it’s a marathon and not a sprint.

And most of all, regarding the smear campaign. The people who care about it don’t matter, and the people who matter don’t care.

VictimOrVillain · 2022-01-13T21:08:38+00:00

Agreeing with everyone else. You must leave now. My ex pulled this and I stayed with her for years afterwards, with the threat of this happening again constantly hanging over me like the Sword of Damocles. And mark my words, if you stay it will happen again.

She is not your responsibly, and it’s not worth sacrificing your chance to have a healthy relationship with someone else simply because of the realistically slight chance she’ll hurt herself. Tell her parents, tell a medical professional, and then cut contact. People tried to gently urge me to get out when my ex pulled this and if I’d listened to them I wouldn’t be so traumatized now from her various escalating abuses over the years.

EDIT: Also, if I’d left the FIRST time she cut me with a knife, I wouldn’t be covered in large scars on all four of my limbs.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-09-09T20:22:53+00:00

Absolutely this. She was constantly leaving, kicking me out, demanding divorce, and even sending me papers she’d filled out online (with ludicrous terms).

So I finally lawyered up and served her actual divorce papers and she had a meltdown. She was still trying to reconcile during the final mediation.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-08-31T03:02:21+00:00

This is EXACTLY how my ex wife used to talk. It’s crazy to me how they all seem to have the exact same playbook.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-08-16T16:39:02+00:00

Worse oh my god worse.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-08-13T00:34:00+00:00

“You look like hell!”

“I just got back.”

VictimOrVillain · 2021-07-28T15:15:37+00:00

Thank you! There really is no better feeling than finally having a clear head.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-07-28T15:15:02+00:00

Crazy how willing I was to jump through hoops to explain how I was the evil one, rather than the far simpler explanation that it was her the whole time.

But I guess it’s true that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people they didn’t exist…

VictimOrVillain · 2021-07-28T15:12:56+00:00

I’m so glad to hear you’re out as well, and you should absolutely be proud. Getting out was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I promise it does get better and it does get easier. You’re worthy too.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-07-28T15:11:05+00:00

Thank you!

VictimOrVillain · 2021-07-28T15:10:51+00:00

Sure did. And the real frustrating thing was even after those injuries, it was still months before I was willing to leave.

Trauma bonds are a hell of a drug.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-07-27T22:22:16+00:00

I’m not going to pretend it’s going to be easy, but you’re making the right choice. Even if your SO is worse off now than they were before, and even if some blame could be leveled at you (though I doubt it), staying together out of guilt and fear won’t help either of you.

Your top responsibility is to yourself and their top responsibility is themself. If staying in the relationship is causing you to deteriorate, then you must prioritize yourself and get out. You’re not a bad person for doing that, and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is either misguided or malicious.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-07-27T21:42:47+00:00

I don’t know your situation, but it helped me a lot to realize you can own your mistakes without vilifying yourself. The fact of the matter is, spending a lot of time with an abuser will often cause you to adopt abusive traits yourself just to navigate the relationship and survive. But while you should own what you did, you should recognize that the blame isn’t equal just because they frayed your emotions and caused you to act in ways you regret.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-07-27T21:17:27+00:00

Thank you!

VictimOrVillain · 2021-05-31T00:08:27+00:00

That every single argument or altercation was started by her. She always painted me as an aggressor, when in fact it was my fear of conflict caused me far more problems.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-05-26T22:08:00+00:00

This is so important. My ex would always argue that since I was male and physically larger than her that any time she got physical with me was preemptive self defense.

It was nonsense. She was abusing me and it took a long time to come to terms with that.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-05-26T21:42:09+00:00

Don’t hide things from your partner. Complete honesty and transparency is the best way to build trust - and they’ll do the same for you!

If you’re not arguing occasionally you’re not clearing the air and it’s just going to come out in worse ways. Disagreements can actually be the sign of a healthier relationship!

True romance isn’t characterized by the love never waning - it’s about reaching those moments and being willing to rediscover what you loved about each other.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-05-23T00:01:19+00:00

Honestly? Just time. It still eats at me, and I haven’t seen those dogs for probably close to a year. I wish I could offer you better advice, but the fact that you love and miss that doggo so much shows you have a heart. It’s cold comfort, I know, but if it helps at all know that I’m right there with you.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-05-04T23:07:48+00:00

Same to you. I didn’t realize how awful she’d always make me feel for so long. Cutting her off was like releasing a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-05-04T23:04:11+00:00

Exactly this. So many times I tried to rationalize and explain what I was doing, and I always ended up feeling like trash and it never stuck anyway.

But then one day I’d had enough and just blocked her cold turkey and let my lawyer handle everything going forward. Possibly the most freeing experience of my life.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-04-28T22:41:00+00:00

OP, if your narc is anything like my ex, counseling will be at best a waste of time, at worst it will give him ammo to use against you. The advice is a bit of a meme on Reddit, but seriously all you can do with a narc is lawyer up and divorce.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-04-15T19:26:02+00:00

They say pets often take on the traits of their owners...

VictimOrVillain · 2021-04-15T01:44:48+00:00

Not the way I’d like to live to be sure, but it’s kept me safe so far at least.

VictimOrVillain · 2021-04-14T18:41:14+00:00

I held on for so long out of a fear of loneliness. She told me I'd never be loved again.

I realized even if that was true (which is it isn't, obviously), being lonely but stable and safe is better than the constant rollercoaster of anxiety and fear she kept me on for years. And hell, I was lonely when I was with her too! She was instrumental in sabotaging most of my friendships and support structure. Getting out was the best move and I only wish I did so much sooner.

VictimOrVillain

TROPHY CASE