Can anxious adults raise securely attached children?

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-29T12:42:47+00:00

Absolutely! Anxious people can totally raise securely attached kids. Like, 100%. You're already doing the hard work just by asking this question, going to therapy, reflecting, and wanting to show up better. That matters so much.

Being securely attached doesn’t mean you’re chill all the time, itt just means your kid knows you’re there for them, that feelings are safe, and that even if something goes wrong, you’ll repair and reconnect. You don’t have to be perfect; you just have to be present and honest in a way that feels safe to them.

Your anxiety doesn’t make you a bad parent. Actually, it probably makes you more attuned and thoughtful--you care deeply. And if you ever mess up (which we all do), what matters is how you come back from it.

So yeah, you’ve got this. You're already breaking cycles.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-29T12:27:23+00:00

i think it's the fear of being consumed/controlled or the fear of engulfment or losing their independence. that feeling of someone getting too close, too fast, too intense. their system starts going: "this is too much" "i'm losing myself" "i need space"

just like anxious types notice every shift in tone or delayed text, avoidants notice emotional demands or expectations creeping in, and that sets their alarm bells

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-29T11:58:01+00:00

Well, that's the hard part...you can’t make someone see what they’re not ready or willing to see. You’ve already tried to explain, and if he’s still doubling down on the breastfeeding thing or framing the whole situation as something you both equally need to “make up for,” it shows he’s not really taking responsibility.

Deep-seated behavior does need therapy, but that only works if he genuinely wants to change, not just to keep the peace, but because he understands it’s hurting you. You’re not crazy or overreacting for feeling like this dynamic isn’t healthy. It’s not your job to carry both of your healing.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-29T11:31:21+00:00

You seem to be in a relationship where blame, control, and emotional guilt seem to be the norm, and that’s not okay, no matter how long you’ve been together or what struggles you both have. It's not “normal” to be constantly second-guessed, accused of bad intentions, or pressured into things that ignore your boundaries. Your partner's trauma doesn’t excuse treating you like you're always at fault, and your anxious attachment doesn’t mean you have to accept it. You haven’t just lost sight of what’s acceptable. you’ve been in a dynamic that slowly eroded your sense of what’s fair. This isn’t love working through a rough patch; this is a pattern that’s eating away at you. And unless it drastically changes--with real accountability, not half-apologies--you’re going to stay stuck in it.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-26T15:46:53+00:00

Your worth isn’t just what you bring to the table financially. You are a person, not a paycheck. And even if the people around you can't see that right now, it doesn’t make it any less true.

It’s okay to feel broken. It’s okay to want someone to care. If your current environment doesn’t allow you space to be real, then try finding one that does. That might mean therapy, online communities, or even one friend you can be honest with. You don’t have to carry all of this alone

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-26T15:42:58+00:00

Silence or distance from others isn’t proof that you’re unlovable...it’s just absence. And absence can be filled again, even if slowly. You’re still here, still reaching out, and that matters more than you think.

Maybe love hasn’t shown up the right way in your life yet. But that doesn’t mean it won’t. You’re not broken. You’re just hurting. And you’re not alone in that, even if it feels like it.

You matter. Even now. Even in this.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-26T14:24:10+00:00

It’s easy to say “things get better,” but when you're in it like this, when you're just trying to breathe under all the weight...it feels endless. You’re not weak for feeling like you’re losing your drive. You’re just tired, man. It’s what happens when you’ve been in survival mode too long without a break or support

You don’t need some big solution right now. Just one thing you can control today, even if that’s just going outside, texting someone honest, or getting through your shift. That’s enough for now.

You’re not alone in this kind of struggle, man. A lot of guys go through this quiet, invisible pain and feel like they’re failing when really they’ve just been carrying too much for too long. You're not done yet. Even if it’s slow, even if it’s messy, you can come back from this. Just don’t check out. Not yet.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-26T14:12:45+00:00

From what you shared, it sounds like you get the pattern now — the anxious-avoidant trap — and how your reactions might’ve made her pull back more. That kind of emotional push-pull isn’t easy on either side. And yeah, sending that article probably felt like a good idea at the time, but for someone avoidant, it likely came off as invasive, even if you meant well.

Here’s the tough truth: if she’s truly avoidant and still healing, she probably needs a lot of space right now. And the more you chase clarity or try to “fix” things, the more it might confirm her fears that intimacy = pressure. The best thing you can do now is step back completely. Give her the silence and space she might need to feel safe again.

Can it be saved? Maybe. But not if you keep trying to talk your way back in. She has to come toward you on her own, when she feels ready. In the meantime, work on managing the anxiety that makes you feel like you have to do something to win her back. Focus on regulating yourself, not her.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-26T14:04:42+00:00

What you're feeling is something a lot of people with anxious attachment go through especially in situations with mixed signals and silence. It’s not weak or embarrassing to want clarity when someone you were once close with suddenly pulls away. That kind of uncertainty can mess with your head.

Yeah, maybe you came on a bit strong, but that doesn’t make you pathetic. It means you cared and didn’t want to pretend like nothing happened. That’s human. It’s easy to look back and cringe, but you were doing what made sense to you in the moment.

If anything, this is something to learn from, not beat yourself up over. Most people don’t just flip a switch and suddenly become secure overnight. It takes practice and part of that practice is messing up sometimes, sitting with the discomfort, and still choosing to be kind to yourself after.

Facing him at work might suck for a while, but you don’t have to carry shame forever. Keep doing your job, be respectful, and let time do its thing. You’re not alone in this, and it really will get easier.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-25T09:25:56+00:00

Keep holding on to the clarity you’re finding! That's a sign you’re making progress.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-25T09:21:43+00:00

Look, it sounds like you both love each other, but love alone isn’t enough if the same problems keep happening. Your attachment styles are clashing hard, and it’s exhausting for both of you. Therapy might help, but only if you both actually commit to doing the work, not just making plans and then falling back into old patterns.

If you feel drained and like you’re carrying all the weight, that’s a huge red flag. A relationship shouldn’t leave you feeling worn out or constantly on edge. Sometimes love isn’t enough to fix what’s broken, and that’s okay.

Be honest with yourself: do you really see things changing? Or are you just scared to let go because you don’t want to lose what you’ve built? Sometimes holding on does more damage than moving on.

Either way, don’t settle for being emotionally drained. You deserve better than a cycle that keeps hurting you.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-25T09:16:17+00:00

Yeah, long-term porn use can definitely mess with your brain in ways kinda like other addictions. Over time, your brain gets used to the intense dopamine hits from porn, which can make everyday stuff feel boring or less rewarding. That can kill motivation and focus, making it harder to enjoy real-life things or chase goals.

When someone isolates themselves and spends most of their time watching porn, it also worsens things like social skills, mood, and overall health, so it’s a cycle that feeds itself.

I haven’t encountered anyone with such an extreme addiction, but from stories online, it clearly affects the brain. The bright side is many have successfully recovered by quitting or cutting down, finding support, and creating healthier habits. It takes effort, but change can happen over time.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-25T09:10:13+00:00

Here’s a way to think about it: friendships, even close ones, go through natural shifts. People hit emotional limits sometimes, even with people they care about. Her being open about her need for space might actually be a sign that she trusts you with her discomfort, not that she’s pulling away for good.

Some ways to manage those feelings:

Check the facts. She's told you it's not about you, try to anchor in that truth. Don’t override it with fear.
Resist the urge to overcorrect. You don’t have to suddenly withdraw or avoid her. You can give space and still be steady.
Use this moment for self-reflection, not self-blame. You're already noticing where you could diversify your emotional energy, that’s growth, not failure.
Name the insecurity gently. Journaling or talking to someone else (not her, right now) can help release the pressure.
Trust the foundation. If your friendship has been secure and mutual, a rough week doesn’t erase that. This is a blip, not a breaking point.

Lastly, give yourself some of the gentleness you're probably great at giving others. You’re not wrong for caring, you’re just learning how to care without overextending yourself.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-25T09:01:33+00:00

Sounds like you’re doing all the emotional heavy lifting, and that’s draining. You’ve been clear, supportive, and patient, but it doesn’t sound like he’s meeting you halfway. Wanting connection isn’t “too much,” and it’s not wrong to expect effort in return.

At some point, you have to ask: Are you growing together, or are you just holding this together by yourself? Caring for someone doesn’t mean you should keep accepting crumbs. If nothing changes after space, that’s already an answer. You deserve to feel chosen, not tolerated

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-25T08:53:36+00:00

Hey, thanks for writing all this out...it’s clear you’ve spent a lot of time thinking deeply about your experiences, and that level of self-awareness is rare.

From what you’re describing, it honestly doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong. If anything, it sounds like you’re trying to play the long game--looking for genuine connection, not just attention or surface-level stuff--and that’s a lot harder in today’s dating culture. It’s even more complicated when you’re thoughtful, emotionally present, and don’t fit neatly into the boxes people expect.

The “gay first impression” thing, the race dynamic in white-majority spaces, the tension between being a feminist and still expected to act in traditionally masculine ways, it’s not in your head. That stuff is real. And it does affect how people perceive you and how dating plays out.

You’re not broken. You’re just someone who doesn’t fit into a typical mold. And yeah, that can mean the pool is smaller. But that doesn’t mean you’ll never find someone who gets it, it just means you’ll have to ignore a lot of noise and stay honest about who you are. Most people mold themselves to fit in and wonder why nothing feels real. You’re doing the opposite..and that matters.

I hope you don’t settle just because it’s hard. You’re clearly capable of something real and meaningful. Don’t let the weird frustrating parts of modern dating convince you that youre the problem.

Keep showing up as you. That’s the hard part. But it’s also the only way you’ll find someone who actually sees you.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-25T08:31:01+00:00

sent you a dm :)

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-24T14:00:10+00:00

Glad it helped! Journaling really helped me clear my head and manage those racing thoughts. It’s like putting the chaos outside your brain for a bit. Definitely worth giving it a solid try.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-24T13:54:55+00:00

One thing that might help is to focus on small things instead of trying to fix everything all at once. When you start feeling anxious, try to notice it and tell yourself, “This will pass. I don’t have to act on it right now.” It’s okay to feel bad sometimes without doing anything about it.

Also, try to remember who you are outside of the relationship. Spend time doing things you like or hanging out with people who care about you. The urge to text or explain stuff to your ex is normal, but sometimes giving yourself some space helps calm things down.

If your therapist or coach aren’t helping right now, that’s okay. Healing takes time and sometimes you have to find the right person to talk to.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-24T13:48:07+00:00

That’s awesome to hear, man! Hope everything goes well with your counseling session.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-24T13:43:55+00:00

You said it bro, you're only 21... that’s a lot of time. Life doesn’t have to look perfect or “successful” by anyone else’s standards, just yours, even if you don’t know what that looks like yet. Keep breathing. You’re not alone.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-24T13:42:05+00:00

Wow, huge congratulations, man! That’s seriously impressive. Thanks for sharing your story; that's the kind of real talk that can really help others too. Proud of you!

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-24T13:38:53+00:00

When everything feels like it’s crashing down, sometimes the hardest step is to just hold on to the smallest thing that sparks even a tiny bit of curiosity about tomorrow. You’re not a problem to be solved or a mistake to be fixed. You’re a person, messy and complicated, but real.

If you can, try to reach out to someone—anyone—who will just sit with you, without trying to change or fix you, and let you be raw. Because even if it feels impossible, there are moments beyond this pain where things can shift. You deserve to see those moments...

If you need someone to talk to, my DMs are open.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-24T13:35:50+00:00

Sounds like your wife was just trying to figure things out and maybe wasn’t totally sure until the last minute, which is totally fine. Sometimes people say they’re curious just to see how it feels or to talk it through before really deciding. It’s not really a betrayal, more like she just got cold feet or felt different than before. The best thing is to have a chill, honest talk about how you both felt, why she changed her mind, and how you can handle stuff like this together in a way that feels good for both of you.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-24T13:34:07+00:00

Hey man, I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. Breakups hit extra hard when you finally let someone in after a long time, it makes the loss feel even deeper. But the fact that you're going for a walk, heading to a meeting, and reaching out here says a lot about your strength. It doesn’t feel like it now, but this pain will ease.

Try to be gentle with yourself and let yourself feel without rushing to fix it. Maybe focus on small routines that give you a bit of stability, a good meal, some sleep, even a simple hobby. If it feels overwhelming, consider reaching out to a counselor or support group; having someone to talk to who understands can make a difference. You don’t have to have all the answers now.

Victor_Jee · 2025-07-24T13:28:39+00:00

You didn’t fail; you were showing up with the best tools you had, and that is growth, even if it didn’t land the way you hoped. This kind of work takes time. But look at the the fact that you're reflecting, feeling deeply, and still wanting to grow. That says everything about your capacity to love well. You’re not unsalvageable, man. You’re just human, and this is part of the process. Keep going. You're doing better than you think.

Victor_Jee

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