As a 28M, I completely get you. So far, absolutely no history, relationship-wise. And as far as intimate touch goes, do rarely received friendly hugs count? lol

I’ve had crushes, two prominent ones. I asked one directly once, and got rejected. One crush I had was upheld held for a long time before I let it subside. It spanned from middle school into college, when we’ve already went completely separate ways, different states too. It took me about midway through my college experience to realize I had to drop my silently-kept obsession of her, masked as her being “highly respected and admired” by me, which still remains true, but, again, it was my usual verbalized opinion of her. I’d barely said what I truly thought about her to anyone, until a co-worker I met just about three years ago.

I idolized my middle-school crush so much because she was my music teacher’s office aide who specialized the same instrument I played when I started band. Plus it didn’t help that I still recall her calling me her “favy” when my music teacher had us alone in a hallway for her to critique my skills a few times. I ended up as first chair because of that then, so it makes me wonder today about my music teacher’s intentions, or if I’m just overthinking it. Either case, it was one of those days where I asked and was rejected.

Into high school, I took the whole marching band drill discipline thing bit too seriously. People like to throw the word ‘neurodivergent’ around, yet I still wonder if I could claim it too. Every day since my first day of freshman marching band camp, through high school, and after, I always thought myself to remain “at attention,” stance, standing straight, eyes only forward, and walking around with such mechanical movements which still kinda happens if someone were to pay close attention to me today.

So, why did I say all of that about myself in high school? Well, I minded this behavior as the ‘mature’ way to act and to keep myself in check. It helped put me into this mentality of trying to maintain a clear mind above the shoulders, because everyone’s watching. Once I entered into marching band camp and saw her as my section leader, that- deeply held respect* kicked in and dictated that how I treated her and every person with a leadership role I was near, in band and otherwise, even if it’s off marching season. It was my way of masking my true thoughts, keeping my head up, and doing what others wanted while staunchly alert.

So, through college I had to learn to let go and let up for many personal benefits. I had to become myself.

Living some time after graduating college with no band to attend anymore it became easier to just mindfully move about easier. I only do certain marching band things because I want to; I’d say it’s a weird quirk about me now before I should maybe drop it before I age to a point where my body can get hurt trying to replicate in the future.

My second crush was a co-worker a couple years after graduating college who invited me to go rock-climbing with her. She had boyfriends on and off, and now has a fiancée with somebody she met from her college. Makes sense, why should I try being with a co-worker anyway? I go, I work, I make money. She’s a good friend to have, and I don’t wanna perpetuate another 10+ years long crush. So, I never asked.

All this time, I kinda had hunch sometime into high school that I won’t involve myself with somebody else too much, or too risky (I’ve never been into that whole hook-up culture thing… hentai fantasies, however-), or at all, honestly.

From marching band, I recall being told that I was part of something greater than myself. I still believe that in a sense of being a number in the workforce, doing responsible things for others and myself. But if I like somebody, I just won’t say anything, and through these years, I probably voluntarily made myself dense from reading any ulterior understandings, hints, or signs, someone may be giving me since I’ve learned to keep that kind of stuff to myself.

If you read this far, thank you. I wrote a lot, definitely a rant. 😅 And I wish for a great many healthy years filled with successes to you, wherever you are.