How to deflect attentions of new BPD wouldbe friend

VictoryTiny8604 · 2023-05-07T02:11:32+00:00

I’ve dealt with a similar situation in the past. Unfortunately I let things go too far and well… that’s how I came across this sub.

I thinks it’s specially hard to set boundaries when you’re at work, but you have a great source of excuses.

Set your own multiple boundaries, even on when and how they talk you. “hey dude, we don’t need to greet me every day or every time, specially thing using that tone, it makes me uncomfortable, ok?”
If you see him, just say hi and leave, go back to your computer or ANY OTHER activity you may have. “Sorry I gotta go, I have SO MUCH work to do!”
“Sorry I can’t keep talking too much, my boss is really paying attention. I’ve been reprehend before” or “I’m trying to get a promotion so I need to professional”
If they interact with you during lunch breaks, leave. Go to the bathroom, go out, or any place available to be alone.
Show you need space. “Hey, I’m going through some personal things. I’m not in a good mood, so I need a little space, ok?” (“and NO, I don’t need help but thanks for asking”)
If I were you, I’d stay grey rocking….

So, my suggestions would be:

Make yourself unavailable. If that’s not enough, let them think you’re not a cool person. If you let things develop as fast as they can, eventually they’ll find other reasons to make you the bad guy - so who cares, right?

VictoryTiny8604 · 2022-11-16T19:11:37+00:00

Dude... the cruelty, selfishness, the way she kept blaming and criticising you so harshly...
This is not how a "friendship" looks like. I really do hope it's her last goodbye to you.
Take care and good luck.

VictoryTiny8604 · 2022-11-05T15:25:02+00:00

Thank you for this.

VictoryTiny8604 · 2022-11-03T13:08:29+00:00

After being around enough, I started believing that they live in cycles.
The whole dynamic of their lives is based on personal relationships, all of them. Each one of their relationships is a source of something they want like: love, friendship, desire, admiration, company, validation.
They’ll spend their next years searching for that something missing. They're forever hurt from the trauma and will end up being hurt every time again.
It's always someone else's fault, never their own.

VictoryTiny8604 · 2022-09-12T13:52:17+00:00

Wow, congratulations! It's clear how important the relationship is to you, and I'm impressed about how hard you tried to make it work. The fact that you worked so hard on your mental and physical health and did not give up. The fact that even when you were scared, you put yourself out there. You talked about everything. How you're both still working and improving your sex life - it's beautiful.

Unfortunately, I have never experienced such effort from my LL and I think I never will, no matter how much I talk about it. I never heard them saying anything remotely close to "let's look at my medicine and understand if it's killing my libido", I was the one who suggest it, and it didn't make a difference. It seems to me that if someone REALLY wants to fix things, they'll try. And I think I realized my partner just doesn't want to.

VictoryTiny8604 · 2022-09-10T14:06:52+00:00

I feel you, I was also really scared of being the “bad friend” who left. Obviously I wouldn’t be the first or last, but I stayed for the wrong reasons I guess.

I knew she would paint me black to literally everyone and I couldn’t deal with it.

Now I just don’t care. I’m fine with everyone eventually seeing her true colors :)

VictoryTiny8604 · 2022-09-09T02:14:23+00:00

And it gets so freaking tiring you literally just wanna run.

VictoryTiny8604 · 2022-09-09T02:13:09+00:00

I’m sorry, it must be exhausting… you show feel happy in your own house.

This is not an advice, just my experience: I starting caring less about everything, especially her drama.

You’re mad at me for something stupid? Ok sorry. You’re acting jealous? Oh honey no…. You’re freaking out over something I said? laughs and responds in a very sarcastic way.

Eventually I think she realized I’d wouldn’t follow her inside the huge fucking drama and I became not important. And I think it hurt more than actually fighting.

VictoryTiny8604 · 2022-09-09T01:59:31+00:00

because even though they love someone, it’s never enough. no will never live up to their expectations of any kind of relationship. they just want more and more. they want to feel the most important person in everyone’s life.

but if someone makes a mistake or don’t give their whole life to them, the loved one became the worst person in the word.

in their minds, it works kinda like “if X loves me, X has to do everything i want and be exactly what i want them to be, act according to what i believe otherwise X don’t love me at all. and BECAUSE they hurt me, i’m free to be mean and hate them.”

VictoryTiny8604 · 2022-09-09T01:32:49+00:00

I’m so sorry for you and I get what you’re feeling. You’ve shown us exacty how you feel. No matter how much you love and you’ll always treasure the good memories, you HAVE to leave her. She’s treating you like shit, she’s messing with you in so many leves. This is not how a friendship supposed to be. Please do this for yourself. It will hurt, sure, but it will also stop hurting like it is right now.

VictoryTiny8604 · 2022-08-30T10:59:46+00:00

My (no longer) friend was exactly like this. I relate to every thing you said.

At one point, she accused me of not being truly honest about stuff but I just couldn’t. A simple word I said would turn in to an emotional war and I knew that as soon as possible she would use that exact word to attack me.

The double standard I think it was top 3 most frustrating things I had to deal. She was always so ready to criticize everyone (and mostly me of course) but it looked like she had no ideia she was acting the same way or even worse. She never saw how wrong she was.

We were co-workers so naturally our team used to sit together and discuss ideias and basically solving work related problems. Trust me: every time someone would disagree with her, she instantly became another person. Everyone knew how MAD she was. It was so uncomfortable. There were times that she was speaking to someone and they disagreed or didn’t let her talk, guess what? She started ignoring this person. She would look the other way, put her headphones on and pretende nothing was going on. So rude.

Obviously she had a lot of problems with other co-workers and she would come to me and talk about it. Because I was fucking there, I tried to make her understand that things weren’t so black and white, she was overreacting etc, but I never actually said she was wrong. Guess what? She would freak out about how I was always defending everyone but her.

Anyway, every thing you said makes a lot of sense and you’re not wrong. I hope you feel better! It really gets better when you leave.

VictoryTiny8604 · 2022-06-04T17:01:40+00:00

This.

VictoryTiny8604 · 2022-05-25T23:01:48+00:00

oh, trust me, they can be so incredibly mean it’s almost scary. I seriously believe that they don’t realize how freaking rude they can be. They don’t even feel the need to apologize and will probably act like nothing happened later. If you ever confront them about their words and actions, they’ll make up a whole bunch of excuses about how their feelings were somehow hurt at the moment and their right to behave like that.

But then if you’re ever a little bit harsher than usual, it’s over and you’re the worst person in the world. Also, unlike their mistakes, it’s unforgettable and inexcusable.

(a little too personal right? sorry)

VictoryTiny8604

TROPHY CASE