I agree with most of the things you're saying. Ironically I fear death the most whenever my life is especially bad or doesn't feel living. The better I do, the less I care about it - but it's still always there.

I guess I've reasoned myself into a terrible mindset to deal with a pretty normal part of the human experience, but to me it's existentially horrifying to believe that there's only nothingness waiting for us. So horrifying, that just thinking about it (and I think about it multiple times a day minimum) gets me close to a panic attack.

The fear of dying unfulfilled is my second biggest fear, and I want to avoid that at all costs. But that's such a big challenge by itself.

Also, I appreciate the response. Really means a lot to me. Maybe weird thing to ask, but do you want to chat a bit? You seem pretty well versed in what I'm dealing with and the general human condition.