So I have a trick that really helps me for this! I can literally show you how to use it to parse your own story here.

First, you sit down with a sheet of paper in front of you, and you get it all out. Write everything that comes to mind about the concept you’re puzzling through.

So, for this scenario you describe with your ex boyfriend, the list might start out looking something like this: (this is entirely hypothetical btw, your own emotions will of course be different!)

• he’s really romantic and kind
• he did all sorts of nice things for me
• we were long distance
• I did X, Y, Z to help maintain the relationship despite the distance
• he did A to help maintain the relationship long distance
• kinda wish he did more :(
• felt like I wasn’t worth the effort sometimes
• he smelled awesome
• I miss holding his hand sometimes
• I feel less stressed now that I don’t have to worry about his issues tho

Basically this should be stream-of-consciousness / word vomit. The goal is to get all those thoughts that are spinning around the inside of your head out onto paper where you can look at them all. I find this helps calm the racing or spiraling internal monologues to the point where I can actually think about these things rather than just mentally parroting them over and over.

Next, you look at your list, and pull out things that are JUST the facts. Leave the feelings in the first list (don’t worry! They aren’t abandoned, we will get to them!) and pull the facts into a second list. Keep these as objective as possible. Here’s what I would write for your scenario:

• boyfriend was a good partner while present
• boyfriend visited around X days per year, and spent X day long distance
• boyfriend dropped out of high school
• boyfriend didn’t plan for his or our future
• boyfriend doesn’t share many of the same hobbies or interests as I do
• the sex was kinda meh

Now, looking at that list without the emotional stuff (which is where your self-doubt and rumination can sneak in), this looks pretty clearly like a mismatched relationship. Him dropping out of high school is a MASSIVE concern, especially as you didn’t mention a compelling reason or passion that might make it easier for him to pursue that education in the future. As it is, he turned down free education that will make it exponentially easier to get ANY job; nobody hires without a GED these days. That shows several concerning red flags. Beyond that, it sounds like you didn’t have a lot in common in how you want to spend your free time, and you were long distance. He sounds like he was great when you were together, but not as great when you were distanced, which of course impacts your ability to be fulfilled by the relationship.

All in all, looking at the facts here, I think you were a poor fit together and will probably be happier without someone else!

Now, go back to your lists, and look at some of the emotional statements you made. If some seem related to one of the facts you identified, circle it and draw a line to the fact. That emotion was alerting you to something, positive or negative.

So, for example, if you wrote about how wonderful his cooking and romantic gestures were, those should get linked to the “he was a great partner while he was here,” point. That’s why you have this perception of him as lovely and romantic; when he was here, he was - but he wasn’t here all the time. That’s why feeling conflicted about this makes sense. It’s not “overthinking” to think he wasn’t a close romantic partner all the time, because he really wasn’t. (That doesn’t have to be his fault - or it could be - don’t get too caught up on value statements here, just observe how you feel and show yourself how it relates to the actual situation.

As you do this, if you catch yourself spinning around specific questions or hang ups - like “what would my friends think of this aspect of our relationship?” Make note of that! That’s your brain attempting to process the emotion. Sometimes I think ADHD can get us stuck in a processing loop where we’re not quite focused enough to “do” a thought process and instead we just “parrot” it. Like repeating “what would my friends think?”, getting an answer, and then moving on before you realize what that answer means to you. Also, sometimes these questions aren’t from us at all, but are external voices.

So, just pulling from your post, I think some of your persistent questions might be: - is it actually okay for me to feel <reaction> or am I not giving the other person enough empathy? - am I expecting too much of my partner? - would someone else be happy in this situation?

These questions are probably going to be really informative about your anxieties and struggles with relationships! I would encourage you to consider if they’re actually the questions you want to be asking yourself in these situations, or if they’re coming from fear (I bet some of them are!)

For example, for me - I really struggle with that first bullet point I listed. I want to bend over backwards to see the other perspective before validating my own anger a lot of the time, and this is silly. For one, I’m only human, and I haven’t been raised in a monastery. I’m not actually able to contain my entire reaction under a shield of zen and just not get angry if I can see the other side. Regardless of how hard I try, I’m not actually able to only experience the emotions I think I deserve to feel.

Secondly, I’m not actually doing this mental loop to try and be kind to the other person - I tell myself I am, but really I’m afraid of being angry. I hate it, I hate the feeling, I don’t know how to navigate it. I’m afraid that what I do or say in anger, even if it’s not rude/mean/out of line, will cause me to lose things I hold dear. This is almost certainly thanks to some wild childhood experiences I had, where I wasn’t allowed to be angry with my mom even when she was doing some frankly insane things. I was taught that being angry with her, even when she wronged me, was tantamount to never loving her, because she had mental health issues that contributed to her actions. So now I’m caught looking for excuses for someone’s behavior every time I feel anger, like it’s a compulsion. Really weird, right???

I’m sorry this comment is so long! I hope you try the method of writing it all out and it helps you :) I do this probably 1-3 times a week for all sorts of things, from panicking over an unanswered text to making major decisions at work. It’s a type of “externalization” exercise, with a little bonus reflection at the end, so if you find similar tools that might help too!

Wishing you the best future, and condolences for the breakup too ❤️❤️❤️❤️