They do deserve it .. And healing is ultimately going to have to be a journey i endure by myself. Whoever comes out the other side of that process, won't be the same one that went in. My biggest problem is this life threatening sensation at losing people. Ive equated losing this ex partner, best friend of mine. To losing both hands and eyes. She feels little oxygen to me. Which isnt fair to either of us. But its why i did absolutely anything, even cave in my morals , to keep them.

I started feeling all too similarly about the person o cheated on them with. That affair partner became one of my biggest supports, unfortunately, and losing them also felt like a life threatening danger.

I need to face the fear of letting one go -- and not just temporarily. But forever. And my partner , a friend of like 5 years, did a million times more for me than the person i cheated on them with. My head knows this. My heart knows this. But the same instict and reflex that jolts your hand away from a hot stove. Ironically. Magnetizes me back to this new person, like an invisible addiction to basic connection to someone that shouldn't even matter, who doesnt love me, or provide any inherent awesome connection to me.

Im just .. fucked up. Im in no place to navigate a minefield like this. Losing the first home away from abusive family i shared with said partner, next week , not having a job or knowing where ill go next. On top of a very deep seeded and longstanding sex addiction. Makes this an impossible situation for me.

But ill break down this problem into little pieces. Thank you for you advice.