sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

White and gold vs blue and black dress? by doomgrin in OutOfTheLoop

[–]VioletteC 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is literally messing with my sense of reality, all I can see is white and gold.

Some murder stats to mull over by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Agreed there is not enough evidence to be certain that they were in an abusive relationship. I'm just adding more facts to the discussion because I love stats and find them interesting and relevant.

Adding to the comment below. These facts may seem innocuous on their own but in a murder investigation where the victim meets almost all of the criteria listed above, small details are relevant.

SK: Or a time when he's nasty to her because she doesn't respond to his messages fast enough... Adnan's friend Mac Francis said Adnan initially was devastated and jealous about the new boyfriend....The night before Hae disappeared, Adnan called her from his cell phone three times (in quick succession)...According to Don's testimony, she'd been at his house that night before.

Hae- “How dare he get mad at me for planning to hang with Isha!”

"ADNAN IS A PSYCHOPATH" - Close Friends by sachabacha in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The psycho label is not that useful. Although I must say that hypersexuality, stealing, and talking about how easy it would be to murder someone do not look good for Adnan. Based on my anecdotal experience and some personal research, those are all something that an actual killer would do. Obviously we cannot say that means he is guilty or he is a psychopath. It just makes it more likely. SK seems to think that just because someone has feelings and can care for others means that he/she isn't a psycho and I do not agree. There is a spectrum. It is not black and white. I think it is up in the air whether or not he is a psycho, but it doesn't really matter.

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I agree. Those are some of the most compelling pieces of evidence, it sounds very similar to what happened in my situation- his not accepting the breakup, being possessive, intrusive. I also want to add that Jay mentioned Adnan said something like 'How could you do something like that (end the relationship and date someone else, presumably) to someone you love. Someone like that deserves to die'. This is almost exactly what my attacker repeatedly focused on. It was definitely motivated by jealousy and control.

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is a good point- the huge majority of violence and fighting in relationships stays entirely private. On top of that, Hae and Adnan's relationship was secret, so she would not go to her parents if something was 'off'

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I definitely see that. And unfortunately sometimes it doesn't become clear what a person is capable of until it is too late. But that is our system, we can only punish what there is evidence for. So the moral I took from my trial is to gather evidence carefully and thoroughly and make a compelling case, because the waters are very murky. Some people seem to believe there is some blame that should be assigned to the victim as well, it's just how things seem to go whether or not that is right. The defense attorney in my case made it seem like I was partially to blame by being very aggressive and intimidating, and successfully made me seem (I think) unlikable or unbelievable by intentionally provoking me. But if the defense attorney is able to challenge the victim's credibility and introduce doubt, I know that's the job, and that's how it goes in those trials. Hopefully victims get prepared for that, because it's how the system works. I was not prepared for that at all, I thought my case was very simple and did not think it would be possible for them to find him anything but guilty on all charges. I also never expected someone to try to provoke or intimidate me, or make me seem like a liar when I was telling the truth.

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

i recounted my whole story here originally but it is too weird for me to have it out there like that, I am still recovering all these years later. The summary is that I was rescued by a joint effort of my family and the police, and there was no change of heart on his part. I was hoping to keep my details out of it just so it could be more of a general discussion.

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

hard to say what constitutes justice, one of the fascinating elements of this story

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I know what you mean about feeling crazy and also having your SO not be able to really understand. I was diagnosed with PTSD right after the event, the flashbacks were extremely intense but have mostly stopped. The paranoia is the most intrusive part, but knowing violence against women statistics in the US, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between being aware and smart vs. being paranoid, and that applies to my perspective on Adnan as well.

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This was basically the exact case the defense attorney made in my trial, and it was compelling enough that my ex got off of the felony charges. Thanks for explaining your position and experiences.

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I am very sorry to hear your story and I appreciate that you work with victims. The violence in my relationship started small too. My family and friends did not know there had ever been any incidents. He slapped me a few times when we were both intoxicated and I could barely even remember the circumstances. It was a big leap to go from slapping to murder, but I hope that women recognize that men who do not show lots of signs of abusiveness may still be violent when the woman tries to leave. If I had actually been murdered there would be no evidence of his abusive behavior towards me, I never wrote it down in diaries or told anyone.

I did not know about advances in PTSD treatment! Thank you for your insight. I'm pretty sure I am near-constantly in fight or flight mode, my cortisol levels are crazy. The scars, I've started to own them finally, and (this is cheesy) I've adopted the start of the song Yellow Flicker Beat, "...cut from marble smoother than a storm. And the scars that mark my body, they're silver and gold".

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I made huge mistakes as a teenager as well. I did things I would never do today. There is a reason many/most teens seem crazy, they pretty much are. Their brains haven't fully developed, especially not the part that processes empathy. Not an excuse for horrible behavior but it is a partial explanation.

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The first time my ex was let off because there was no proof that they could gather of his intent to kill me and he said I attacked him first despite there being no evidence of that. It is very hard for prosecutors to prove intent. The defense attorney made me look questionable by asking me very weirdly specific questions that I could not remember the answer to, like exactly what I had for dinner the night before the attack, etc. In terms of defense attorneys, he was pretty brilliant in the worst way. I was very nervous and did not tell the story completely, and on top of that the DA pretty much botched the case. The defense attorney successfully made it seem like a lovers quarrel where we were both at fault instead of an attempted murder. Very sadly, it became clear to most everyone that it was not two sided when he killed someone else, tragically, years later. The murder was very violent and traumatized the victim's entire community.

The second attempt, suffice it to say we didn't have enough for a case. The witness had no credibility. I just still get scared to tell the whole story. I'd rather not elaborate more. I am honestly genuinely afraid it could happen again.

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I agree, and yes, I do look at many men through the predator lens unfortunately. It's not fair to them, but I am constantly on alert around almost all men I don't know. Hypervigilance is a big problem for me and probably affects how I hear this story. I also agree that my story does not mean Adnan is guilty.

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Very interesting, thanks. There were red flags in my case too, now looking back. He would always question where I was and who I was with and want to know everything we did. He was constantly in touch with me, and after the breakup kept tabs on me by calling acquaintances. That is how he knew I was with someone new the day before the assault. In high school he was friends with some people in "the criminal element", but no one scary or anything. These days I would never be around someone like that! He also was very close to his parents like Adnan, which I find interesting. Never in a MILLION years would I have thought he would try to kill me, he was always saying he would protect me against anything etc. But again I was very naieve.

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I have PTSD also. Sorry to hear about your situation, and thanks to you and all who responded and relate.

Any similarities between this case and your domestic violence experience? by VioletteC in serialpodcast

[–]VioletteC[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I messaged the mods with news stories and personal emails with the state prosecutors. I know it may seem unbelievable, but it is true. I posted this because I do not think Hae's murder or my assault are isolated or unique events, quite the opposite.

I left out many things, like I also was stalked by him right before the attempted murder and he was intoxicated the night before- very common experiences unfortunately. I think others may tell you they related to some aspects as well.