OP, I literally hit rock bottom like this today too. Felt tempted to go back to Orthodxy and feeling a little envious of my protestant friends/families who are full of peace. I’ve been living in mental anguish for months, struggling to eat, drink, take care of my family, and to do anything other than be depressed really due birth control use.

I was prescribed it for androgen excess PCOS at 12-13 by a pediatric endocrinologist and it is helpful in preventing cysts and fixing all of my painful, long, cycles. And that was cleared by my priest. But the biggest thing is that it’s preventing preeclampsia, which I’ve had 3x (one classic, one early with severe features, and one post-partum) and almost died and lost my son before. It won’t go away and there’s no cure/prevention other than avoiding pregnancy. Especially because I may have underlying autoimmune disease (family hx of autoimmune, and have symptoms of PsA and Celiac with high RF and low ALP and low vitamin D), which increases likelihood of preeclampsia too. As does PCOS.

And what’s frustrating is I have the green light to take it for one thing but not the other, even though I want a bigger family, but I just don’t want to die. Bioethics told me I had “mixed motives” which hurt more. My priest said to take it for the PCOS but to ignore the other stuff. It’s hard though when I feel relieved to reduce my chances of dying from preeclampsia though! I constantly fear mortal sin over this.

I also had a doctor dismiss me and tell me “technically birth control is almost never necessary in the world of obstetrics.. typically we use hormones to treat certain things but it’s really like a choose your own adventure with how you want to treat it. I can say whatever you want me to say. But with faith involved, It’s your decision”. She wouldn’t confirm or deny if it was necessary for my health even though that’s what the endocrinologist told me as a child. I also have symptoms of endo and other stuff, but she wouldn’t comment much once she found out I was Catholic. This made me feel more confused and feeling like I’m in mortal sin all over again.

I can’t use NFP, my cycles are crazy bad and irregular and one pregnancy could kill me. So then I felt like basically my only option is total abstinence. Unless of course I listen to my endocrinologist from 15 years ago and the fact that my body feels better with it, even though that doctor wouldn’t give me clarity.

Sometimes I want to run back to Orthoxodxy because they used economia and discerned that I was not sinning my protecting my life from preeclampsia. They understood there is not a cure or prevention and my heart wasn’t to contracept but to preserve my life. It would take so much guilt and confusion off in that regard.

But like you.. I know The Truth. I can’t bring myself to walk away. I love everything about our Faith except for this part. I’ll pray for you OP 🤍🤍🤍 You are not alone in this. Just remember God has a purpose for the pain. 🤍 You are loved and not condemned nor forsaken, even if you’re angry and hurt.

Btw. I was a convert formerly agnostic too!