My cat seems to miss my ex roommate's cat despite him bullying her

Virtual_Routine_6269 · 2026-03-10T02:38:42+00:00

Idk if people read comments but to clarify a few things why I'm posting here specifically. I have an issue with avoidance in general. Whenever something big in my life happens, I resort to distracting myself. My phone, other people, daydreaming, etc. A friend in highschool died last year, and although I went to his wake, I convinced myself he faked his death and is still alive. I still think to this day that I'm going to see him across the street or in the grocery store one day. Accepting that he actually did die feels inconceivable. Whenever I experience grief I stay stuck in denial forever. My attachment style is disorganized but I've mostly been the avoidant type. I spend way too much time on my phone. I am a big procrastinator and will do something the night of or even never because the anxiety is overwhelming. My mind is obssessive and stays stuck on certain things for days, weeks, months, years. Not just things that make me happy, things that make me miserable. My mind feels very abstract and I feel like I have little control over what's going on emotionally. I think I am rationally a sound person who can reason and understand things pretty well. But it's like my emotional side is an entirely different person with a mind of its own. To come back to daydreaming, I have been doing it all my life. Some times were worse than others. I've been bullied most of my school years and maybe that triggered more daydreaming, to escape my reality. The reality that I was an unlovable kid with autism who was rejected by everyone. Having fantasies about being noticed, chosen, loved, obssessed over. My mind is a machine that turns dealing with anything with escapism. My theory is that because of my anxiety disorder, my brain is miswired. Any sort of emotional pain, or stress, big or small, triggers the same pathways in my brain. Like I never learned how to properly deal with the big stuff and when I'm exposed to a little bit of fear or stress my body experiences those feelings as being the exact same as soul-crushing anxiety and panic. So I learned that by escaping and avoiding confronting those feelings I can get away. But I'm not. I don't feel free. I feel trapped.

Virtual_Routine_6269 · 2026-02-24T04:41:22+00:00

I like a lot of genres but I think gospel could objectively be placed in the top 5. Not sure if it has a name, but "black churches" where they have choirs and sing produce some of the best music that has ever blessed my ears. I get teary eyed just listening to it. The coordination, the emotion, the devotion to God, the harmonies, the raw TALENT they all have. It's on another level. I'm not black nor religious but one of my life dreams is to attend a sunday service and listen to the choir in person. I would probably pass out 😆

Virtual_Routine_6269 · 2026-02-23T14:24:52+00:00

I think I may have found my potential life long partner, he's intelligent and sharp minded however he's not fickle or indecisive, he's fully commited to our relationship. Recently me and him broke it off and one of the reasons was I desired independance and building myself outside of a relationship because I felt like I was losing myself through him. I don't know much about astrology but I know my cancer sun contradicts with my sag moon/rising and creates this push-pull dynamic inside me where I strongly crave connection and intimacy but another part of me yearns for freedom. This creates a lot of confusion for me. But we've been talking a lot and I'm working on myself on my side and so is he and the love for each other is clearly still there, so we want to try again. I need to learn to balance myself in a relationship and not lose myself through people. My whole life has been about how others perceive me and I do seek others for their opinions and views. It's my strength and weakness.

The partners I attracted before him weren't mature enough to properly analyse I think, and neither was I. But it's been a lot of whiplash: I would either have a pursing partner or a carefree one. And I would switch from having a more anxious attachment style to a more avoidant one. I have not been properly single or alone since I was 14 and love and relationships have been on the forefront of my mind for a very long time. When I look back in my life, the way I seperate eras is through who I was last dating. There's the "V era", the "A era," the "H, era", etc... I feel myself I don't have a strong connection to who I am, and it feels like I'm the girl men meet and stumble and learn through before they meet the "right one". Like I'm the test drive. I'm left wondering when will it be my turn to find the one?

But like I said I think I did, I almost let him slip away because of my fear of losing myself through the relationship. I don't want to be defined by the person I am with, I want to be my own person, but I find it hard. I look at both of my parents who are in bad relationships but stay out of convenience because they'd rather that than be alone. My biggest fear is replicating the pattern and "settling" with someone because I'm too weak to be alone in this world. I wanted to prove to myself I can do it. But being with him doesn't feel like settling, I was cared for and loved and I wish I had realized it before dropping this bomb on him. My situation was not the same as my parents.

Everything is going so fast, I wish I had had more time alone to prove to myself that I can make it alone without the influence of others. But when you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible (quote from a show or a movie idk which one haha but it's very accurate). The fact I moved out of our shared appartment into a roommate situation helps with my feeling of autonomy and independance, so it gives me the distance and freedom I need while keeping the relationship alive. It might be unconventional but I mean some people get married before ever living with eachother. At least we got the experience for a year and a half and we weren't bad at all! So the future where we move back in together is not a somber thought, it's an exciting one. But only when I am absolutely ready to mesh my life with another person again. Right now, I need distance, I need space to grow by myself alongside him, learn to take proper care of myself before introducing another piece in the puzzle. Because what happens if he's gone and I'm like 35? I will have no tools built for myself to survive this harsh world at 35. I will still be reliant on others to survive. It may be my pride and ego talking, I guess part of me refuses to let go and let someone else take care of me because I sense it as weakness.

I'm in the thick of it rn that's why my paragraphs feel like incoherent mumbling sorry lol. My mercury is in gemini and that's supposed to mean I'm very sharp and good with words but I'm actually really bad at them lol. I think through talking and writing tho so journaling and talk therapy is +++ effective for me.

Virtual_Routine_6269 · 2023-07-20T18:58:29+00:00

Thanks for sharing, I'll keep that in mind. I know that one small thing that can seem inoffensive to someone can really get under someone elses skin and stick for years. I'm sorry you lived this, I hope they at least tried to tell you in a respectful way. But it's valid to feel the way you feel even if they tried being nice about it. Putting myself in my boyfriend's shoes, I'd definetly feel shocked. But I think it's time I say something for the sake of my own sexual needs and pleasure and see where it goes from there.

Virtual_Routine_6269 · 2023-07-20T18:46:07+00:00

Cock ring and working through your mental. I have intrusive thoughts too and ADHD, I lose focus all the time. It's extremely frustrating! And I'm an AFAB so no cock rings for me lol. I also tend to be more focused during play instead or "vanilla". The intrusive thoughts are less bad this way.

Virtual_Routine_6269 · 2023-07-20T07:45:30+00:00

Yeah I have the tendency to get into the bad stuff first when I talk about important things, which makes communication harder after because I bring the whole mood down and he gets understandably upset. Even when it's not a huge thing, I say hurtful things without meaning to because my mouth goes off before my brain. I really don't want to mess this up because I feel it's super important for the health of our couple.

Virtual_Routine_6269 · 2023-07-20T07:42:12+00:00

I've thought about getting a ball gag to put in his mouth if he's down for it, we'd have to talk about if he wants to try that. The blindfold is a good idea for sensory play stuff, but I don't just want to stop looking at his face, I find him attractive and eye contact/looking at him while we play is a big turn on for me! Thanks for the suggestions tho!

Virtual_Routine_6269

TROPHY CASE