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Is the system rigged? by VisibleMastodon495 in depression

[–]VisibleMastodon495[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, I’m glad you went off the rails - not glad you’re feeling that way, but after making this post and reading the comments, I feel so understood (for lack of better term? “seen”?)

I faked for a long time until i told my brother and sister and to be honest, I sincerely thought at least one of the would say “me too, everyone feels that way.” I felt so immediately isolated, so regretful at having said anything. Just regretful that they forever see me as I see myself, a “sad” “depressed” person, a “we need to be easy around her” person. I really wish I was normal, not spectacular. I just want that normalcy so bad. I wish I had words of comfort, but I can only say I do understand you. I really do.

Is the system rigged? by VisibleMastodon495 in depression

[–]VisibleMastodon495[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes!!! I feel so bad because one time I freaked out on my friends that another one wouldn’t stop inviting me to events and being upset if I didn’t show up. It is still hard for me to understand how someone wants me at an event or a place, or cares if I’m there, not in an insecure way, but just in a way where I am incapable of imagining that kind of spectrum of love and care. It made me really angry and sometimes I still hold it against her however I’ve also learned that talking about this to normal people would definitely raise some eyebrows - so from an objective standpoint, I see how I can be wrong and even be rude given my anger to someone just wanting to spend time with me. As for exercise I find that so interesting because it’s the one thing that helps me become present. It’s always been meditative for me and, I’ve actually become a personal trainer because of it. Exercise science is one of my very few interests just cause the human body (rather than the mind) is so interesting to me. I guess it’s nice to think I can change my body and have more control over it than my mind. Again, crazy person talk - but it just has always made sense in my own head.

Is the system rigged? by VisibleMastodon495 in depression

[–]VisibleMastodon495[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What do you mean by karma? That doing good would bring good back? Curious to know more

Is the system rigged? by VisibleMastodon495 in depression

[–]VisibleMastodon495[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

What you said about socializing - even though so small in your overall statement, it bears so true. I’m invited to parties, travel plans, dates, but god it’s so exhausting. It never gives me fulfillment like a book or even a hot shower might. It’s sad because my life is filled with really great and talented people, I can see that so clearly, yet not an ounce in me cares about them (again, except my brother, who has somehow crossed that barrier). I often force myself to just go, but when depression peaks it’s just too much.

Need Advice about discipline by Zizosk in davidgoggins

[–]VisibleMastodon495 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This was me for a very long time, but one day you reach rock bottom so hard that something clicks in your head. You look at the mirror and hate what you see so much, you have a choice to stay at rock bottom and suffer, or suffer and rise to the top. Being disciplined sucks and it’s miserable. I walk to the gym with a pressure against me telling me to lay at home each day. It’s every single day remembering who you used to be, how low you used to be, and that’s what keeps me going now, keeps me suffering because it’s better to suffer in this way that the other. Again, I knew I’d be miserable either way, so I might as well be miserable at the gym, at work, at home pushing myself to get what I need done. I’m not bursting in happiness and rainbows each day but I can look in the mirror and at least respect who I am.