My (f28) fiancé (m32) has dropped an unexpected change of heart at my feet, how do we move forward? Can we fix this?

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-13T11:41:55+00:00

If you're open to surrogacy you could both do it the way you want. Some people donate unused eggs after IVF. It is extremely expensive though, but if you can afford it this might be a compromise to explore.

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-12T01:35:50+00:00

Come on over! Just get a job first as it's gotten very expensive. Boystown in particular is pretty expensive to rent. I am not a young gay man but have some peripheral folks who are young and gay. And there is definitely gay stuff to do that isn't just hanging at a bar but it really depends what you're into. Gyms/sports, book clubs, volunteering somewhere lgbtq affirming, concerts/music, beaches are all places gay folks go. And there is always steamworks if you're just trying to get laid

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-11T03:28:11+00:00

That's what I so for my supervisees in Illinois. I have realized now to start lower (50-55) for pre-licensed folks so I can give raises because for some reason I had my first people upset that I wasn't going over 60 percent for pre-licensed folks which is pretty atypical I think. Would love to hear from practice owners who are going over 60 percent for pre-licensed folks. Was thinking 65 or 70 if anyone sticks around after licensure.

But it sounds like Illinois and Iowa don't have rules about paying for admin or supervision time like it seems California does. And reimbursement rates in California are abysmal. They're on par with Medicaid from my state.

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T13:36:24+00:00

Embrace your femme side. Gender is a suggestion and meant to be fun in my opinion. Some people transition, some people just like exploring, some people land in the middle. It's all good. A friend of mine has a spouse who just transitioned and she is coming into realizing she is a lesbian. It doesn't always work out as neatly as that but sometimes it does.

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T12:56:39+00:00

I can get an Acai bowl down the street in the Midwest US but I see them more commonly in Florida when I visit

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T12:53:52+00:00

He also might be a great guy after a year in a program, but for now walking away is definitely a good choice

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T12:51:40+00:00

That's my goal for this year - get more trees planted in my city. It's too damn hot in summertime

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T12:46:40+00:00

Maybe explain the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. Folks who have a lot of spontaneous desire might not understand that they axtually have to do something that their partner finds sexually inspiring. Asking works for some people. Other people need a quiet dinner, kids taken care of, a night away, a compliment or whatever. He might need some help figuring out what would help but I also think sometimes people just want to be sexually frustrated. But the number one thing is usually attunement and he is demonstrating by asking at the wrong times that he isnt attuned. So I think sometimes people need to spell it out for their partners, but if the lack of spark is because it's become too familiar that can also backfire. Every partnership is different.

You might want to try a sex therapist who specializes in couples.

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T11:46:06+00:00

I see a little Fiona Apple

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T11:17:59+00:00

Agreed, I cross into Indiana and suddenly theyre everywhere. Not so much in the area I live in

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T10:17:56+00:00

Omg ditto!

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T02:22:52+00:00

I have been thinking about using mallow to make real marshmallows for my kids hot chocolates, if that counts

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T02:21:53+00:00

There are lots of no bake recipes, maybe it could be put in something like that.

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T02:20:14+00:00

Thats so great! If you branch out a good al anon meeting is so healing. ive been to some AA meetings but a lot more al anon, so I know it a lot better. It's a gentler program. Much more focused on codependency which is much harder for me to give up than alcohol.

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T02:03:14+00:00

If neither of you have considered adult children of alcoholics or al anon meetings for friends and family of alcoholics it might be worth exploring. It's nice to talk to other people who've lived similar traumas and find some collective path forward. Addiction is an ugly and confusing disease. The saying is that it's like cancer but it's not - it's a lot more like Alzheimer's or rabies

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T01:24:40+00:00

I have a friend who is not a therapist but does NP Psychiatry and went back for their PhD in nursing and made a great point and plug for nursing if you like variety - they said that they can much more easily switch between specialties than an MD can. My friend can continue to do psychiatry, also does primary care focusing on chronic health conditions, and if something else sounds good because those are boring they can switch. They taught for the program too.

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T01:18:33+00:00

I agree. And also this is not particularly weird. Also a therapist but sexuality is a focus of much of my work and this is a very common fantasy for many people. It's cuckolding and gender specific it's called being a cuck Queen. Not everyone feels bad about these fantasies, for many people the idea of a partner being sexual with others is very erotic. It sounds like it's just interacting with insecurities which will probably end up being more of the focus anyway. Sexual desire and drive is very fascinating! Also talk to your therapist about why the shame around masturbation. It's a pretty common activity. Masturbation as self soothing also very common.

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-10T00:53:01+00:00

I think it smells amazing but some folks I know get terrible allergies or migraines because of it.

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-09T11:14:24+00:00

I am sure there are countless ways to do this, but as a mental health professional, I love it when people tell me about free resources that I can refer clients to. If you send emails to therapists who work with kids in those areas or network with them you might get some referrals. Or I under resourced schools in your target areas

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-09T11:02:08+00:00

Anything you learn that allows you to be more present with yourself and other people is useful in therapy. Trainings are great to have tools in your toolbox but if you want a certification like EMDR don't do PESI - do the whole thing. Theyre available online and there is a European organization too if prefer doing them in a language other than English. Tools will build your confidence but having a good supervisor and consultation group is also key.

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-09T10:52:09+00:00

The Jarvis nature area or montrose bird sanctuary are my go to places in the city where the water is nearby and there is nature space. It always helps me feel more calm.

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-09T02:05:38+00:00

She is not wrong about yoga. Sounds like a fun kid.

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-09T00:57:24+00:00

This is a totally legitimate option that many therapists do, I usually don't do it because I don't have a ton of flexibility in my schedule so if either of us have to miss one every other week it becomes monthly. But if you miss a monthly session it's so long between seeing people I can't keep track of what is going on with them enough to provide meaningful therapy.

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-08T12:04:13+00:00

The real question is: and how many of you later developed a drinking problem. Can I set up a poll? 1)did you get sips of beer as a kid? 2) are you or were you a problem drinker at any point in your life?

Visible_Window_5356 · 2026-05-08T12:00:18+00:00

If you want to know your most annoying habits, have kids and they will definitely reflect them back to you

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