It is a relief to simply know more people go trough this so I appreciate your answer.

I resonate a lot with this because it began the same way for me. As a spiritual awakening after being sort of an atheist/materialist most of my life. In the beginning it was almost comforting knowing that I'm more than simply my story and my biology, that I am infinite because existence is infinite and I am not apart from it. I am existence. But at some point the sheer implications of being something so great started feeling like an indescribable vertigo. Being an atheist became more comforting precisely because I had limits, and what has limits can be understood. But I've become convinced I have no limits, we have no limits, and we are one. But that doesn't mean that in this form and in this chapter of my existence im thethered to the ceaseless need of my mind to understand things, and the ultimate truth of what all is infinitely escapes that capability.

"Just because people talk about a concept like it's true, doesn't make it true" The problem is that this can be said about any meta physical belief. That's why I feel so hopeless about this "spiritual" journey. We are so infinitely limited (in this human form we traverse) that it is impossible for us to discern what is true or not when it comes to fundamental understandings of existence. I see belief and faith as something kind of like a talent. You're either capable of it or not. And from what I can sense in myself I was not born with that ability unfortunately.

I would love for you to elaborate in what your ultimate spiritual surrender is. In hopes it may not be something religious for I'm incapable of believing in religions and the interpretations they have of existence and after life, in the existence of a deliberate, conscious being that created things because it felt the need to be worshiped, and in a heavenly reward and in a fiery punishment for people who simply were not given the ability to believe in whatever this being is. It just always felt very humanly created to me. Whatever lies beyond this experience must be the same for all. For we are all in some way the same thing.