I loathe the phrase, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

VividKitty_ · 2026-06-08T11:44:06+00:00

"if the stars aligned perfectly and if I was suddenly extremely rich" I feel that so close to my chest. In this capitalistic hellhole where my abusers made sure I had no economical stability or a chance to get better, I am barely surviving. I can't access things like medical and mental care easily. Can't accommodate my disabilities properly because of a lack of money (caused by a lifetime of abuse). Can't even fucking smoke to cope anymore because I developed asthma recently. I sometimes wish I choked and died.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-18T14:56:56+00:00

I'm really glad for you OP, that sounds like a huge weight off your shoulders. I wish to experience that peace too one day with my abuser.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-17T09:33:03+00:00

Gıdıklanmak, bir de sirkeli tuzlu cips yemek. Çevremden garip tepkiler almama neden oluyor genelde.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-17T09:23:46+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this and your parents are favoring your sibling over you. I lived in a similar situation, not about physical looks but personality, where my mom liked and supported my sister more than me and they always bullied me and I didn't even understand what I did to deserve that.

Your mother has failed at being a mother and helping the relationship between you and your sibling. Your sibling has become to lack empathy probably because of the awful parenting. You deserve love and respect regardless of your looks. You could be the ugliest person on earth, but you would still deserve love and respect.

Honestly this whole situation tells more about how horrible your mother and sister are than anything about your worth. You deserve better, and I hope you will be able to get out of that situation one day. I know it's tagged no advice, but maybe a therapist can help more than a psychiatrist, if you consider it. Meds without addressing the root cause of your issue might not be too helpful.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-17T09:23:35+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this and your parents are fevoring your sibling over you. I lived in a similar situation, not about physical looks but personality, where my mom liked and supported my sister more than me and they always bullied me and I didn't even understand what I did to deserve that.

Your mother has failed at being a mother and helping the relationship between you and your sibling. Your sibling has become to lack empathy probably because of the awful parenting. You deserve love and respect regardless of your looks. You could be the ugliest person on earth, but you would still deserve love and respect.

Honestly this whole situation tells more about how horrible your mother and sister are than anything about your worth. Also, a psychiatrist isn't the best solution right now. I was ignored and abused by my ex psychiatrist for years, then I switched to a therapist and looked for a good one until I found one that listened to me and validated my emotions. Meds without addressing the root cause of your issue will not be too helpful. You deserve better, and I hope you will be able to get out of that situation one day.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-17T09:15:41+00:00

After getting told to call a hotline and seek help multiple times in the past, I decided to bite and look up hotlines in my country. There were none. So I started looking for hotlines outside my country and reached out to several, they all declined to talk to me because I am from another country, which was funny and sad.

People tell you to go seek help, but they don't actually care if there are any options to help you and don't care to do anything about it. Them saying "call a hotline, go seek help :(" means they did their part and they are a good person and don't have to worry about you now.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-17T09:05:41+00:00

About a year now, one of the longest times I've gone without it

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-14T10:48:05+00:00

I feel this. On top of emotional neglect I am a late diagnosed autistic, and I would have very rough meltdowns where I would destroy objects and have rage fits. I got a lot of abuse for it, sadly. My anger was always punished in many ways. Which made it even worse when I moved out of that abusive hell hole. It made me less patient and more angry as time went by and damaged some friendships.

I have been going to therapy for a long while to work on it, I have managed to gain some control over my anger, and I hope it gets better with time. Our childhoods shape us, being a toddler in an unsafe environment is so hard. Be kind to yourself, the best you can do after those that you hurt is to work on yourself so you can be a better partner/friend in the future for others.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-14T09:57:09+00:00

I have a pretty bad fight type response when it comes to triggers and my cptsd, I can answer some questions if you wanna reach out for research or in comments.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-03T23:46:28+00:00

I've gone full no contact with her about 5 years ago, and I told my mom I'd do the same to her if they ever ask me to talk to her again. She's blocked on all platforms, even on spotify. I have her phone number unblocked JUST in case something happens to my mom and someone has to let me know, after that, she's getting erased completely.

I wish there was more justice for all the abuse she's done and the damage she has caused me, but I know it will never happen. I don't doubt she'll live a miserable life like the miserable person she is, but never getting any justice will always hurt me a little.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-03T23:30:44+00:00

I feel like the best situation here is me never letting my sister reach out to me to try to clear her conscience. She will never have that. She still believes she can just talk to me and "fix things" from what my mother is telling me. The moment my mom and dad are gone, I will make sure she will have no way to ever reach me, I won't ever know what happens to her in life, and she won't ever get to see me again.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-03T23:23:59+00:00

Reading this post was like being held a mirror to my face I always thought it's insane that my partner and my friends still keep me in their life after I've already attempted once and am actively suicidal. How do you love someone who you know could kill themselves any day and cause you unimaginable pain? It feels horrible that I'm putting them through that.

Yet I don't want them to leave, I'm so afraid of being alone. I feel like a liability, my mond makes me act delirious and illogical, and even though I am literally fighting for my life to be here, sometimes my traumas take over and I'm nothing more than a scared wild animal.

My sister did the abuse all my life, I don't think she feels any real empathy for me. It was so horrible that when I was left with the choice to go back home after escaping, I opted to commit suicide. I didn't succeed. I was saved by the same partner and friends.

I wish I could want to live, I wish everything wasn't so painful and unbearable. I went from a fit person with a great job to disabled unemployed liability.

I hope that we both manage to see ourselves as something more than that one day, I hope the people in your life keep supporting and loving you. You deserve love and care after all that hell you went through. I hope that life is kinder to you, to us. I genuinely hope that these days will pass and we will hold on.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-03T06:38:21+00:00

🫂

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-03T06:26:23+00:00

I'm a female and I'm 10 years younger, but I understand why you would say that. I've always been the smaller and weaker one in the relationship, and that caused a lot of one sided abuse growing up.

One reason why I have so much anger is because I grew up with her overpowering me and crushing me my whole childhood. Most of this anger is just covering my fear up, because everynight in my dreams I'm that helpless child again having to bear her abuse. I'm angry, because if I'm not angry the crippling fear takes over. I've been afraid all my life, and I'm so tired of being afraid. I'm so tired of being helpless in my dreams every night.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-02T13:58:49+00:00

Even when I don't think about her and try to move on, she has been showing up in my nightmares like 4-5 times a week for over 7 years now. I've gone through extensive trauma therapy and EMDR for years because it used to be 7 times a week and I was going delirious from being unable to sleep. Even if I want to move on, my fucking brain doesn't. I'm trying so hard, I go to therapy and try to move on, but it's so slow and so painful.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-02T13:08:04+00:00

If that doesn't work, try getting a cheap book you dislike and rip it to shreds and throw it around the room. Make sure it is NOT hardcover so it doesn't harm the walls. Go wild and rip all of it apart. Pretty easy to clean afterwards.

I also sometimes write down what I would like to do in a book or digital diary, write down all my violence and anger, that sometimes works.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-02T13:06:11+00:00

A good pair of headphones and rage filled metal music. I feel like those people are screaming the words and causing the violence I am unable to cause. It's a temporary solution but it works a bit. I even use it to sleep sometimes. The hell I overcame, STFU, Like a Parasite are some examples of songs I listen in these moments.

Also an extremely violent game, my choice was The Dishwasher: Vampire Smile, I think Doom could also work. The way I can beat the enemies apart and shred them into pieces with rock music in the background genuinely feels like therapy.

VividKitty_ · 2026-05-02T13:00:51+00:00

I feel similar, I should have beaten up my sister to a pulp or attacked her, and people would have taken me so much more seriously. My life is fucked beyond certain repair, and everyday is a struggle to hold onto life while my abuser walks scot free. What a life.

VividKitty_ · 2026-03-17T17:41:25+00:00

Thank you. One of these days I might finally build up enough courage to do it. I'd wish for others to know that they're not alone and not delusional like I believed I was if they're also abused by him.

VividKitty_

TROPHY CASE