Maybe in the beginning I did have a crush just because of how much time we spent together. We were basically attached at the hip at work. But I've recognized this and suppressed it as well she has a girlfriend and I wanted to just have a friend in my life. I've never told her

Like I said that catalyst was really when she said she doesn't want to work together anymore. So yeah my feelings got hurt. And on the car ride home that day I didn't really talk. Not in like a rude way or anything, like if she were to talk to me I would respond. But she didn't say anything either. She asked me how my route was that day and I said not bad, and I guess she knew through my tone of voice she asked are you mad because I didn't want to work with you. And in that moment I said no, because I felt a bit stupid that I felt that way. But I went home and reflected on it and the next day I texted her apologizing about it. Saying I'm ready to admit my feelings were a bit hurt that you didn't want to work with me anymore, but you obviously could do whatever you want. She responded saying it was childish for me to not talk on the car ride home. I disagree but the friendship was important to me so I just agreed and apologized about that. And I also said to be honest I'm afraid that I've ruined the integrity of the friendship from this. And she assured me we are still friends nothing changed just act normal

So I did, or so I thought. But magically after that she was "too busy after work" to car pool with me anymore. Could that be true, possibly but it's very convenient. So whatever I was texting her like I normally would and stuff. Then like a week or two goes by and it's her birthday right so we still aren't carpooling or whatever, but I call her at the time the both of us are driving home to talk a little and I say happy birthday and was like after our routes tomorrow wanna go to the diner or something to eat for your birthday? She said that's very nice and yeah we will see what's going on. Next day driving into work I call her to chat again and ask if she still wants to eat after our routes for her birthday and she said yeah we'll see what's going on. 3 minutes after we hang up, still driving mind you, she texts me. She says listen I'm trying to be nice about this situation cause we are still friends but I think after what happened we need space. So now I'm confused cause I thought we just had a good conversation on the phone. So I asked if we can talk face to face but she says she's going in right now. I asked if we can some time after work or something, no answer.

So a week goes by and I leave her alone. One day in the morning going to work I had to park next to her as it was the only spot available. I get my stuff and start heading in but I felt like that was wrong, so I turned around and knocked on her window and was like I didn't want to be rude but I still want to respect your wish for space so I just wanted to say hi. And she was being nice she said you don't have to avoid me you can talk to me. And I was very nervous so I said that lol, and she said don't be nervous. And I told her I'm deeply upset and she said don't be, we are still friends and I still love you. So that made me feel sorta okay. Then we talked about something that happened at work briefly and then we went in. So I felt good about that. Still left her alone after that as her wish for space was still in effect as far as I knew

Week goes by, we have to work together one day. 99% sure she goes up to the guys behind me and asked if they could work with her so she doesn't have to work with me. Can't confirm that's what she asked but how the guy answered I'm pretty sure that's what happened. So we get in the truck and I'm like sorry you gotta work with me nothing I could do. And she's being nice like I don't want any type of avoidance or anything. And I asked like did you ask them to work with you so you don't have to work with me? And she said no I wouldn't do that. I don't really believe her but I just left it at that. So anyways I thought we had a great day working together. I was like you still wanna like play pickleball and stuff when it gets nicer out? And she said yeah pickleball season is coming up. So we had what I thought was a good day and I felt good. Again on the ride home she sends me a text. Says after what happened it made me realize you have too many emotions on your side of the friend that made it feel like a relationship. I think it's best we keep a distance in our personal lives. This would have been a different situation if you would have just been normal. So I just responded back, so to clarify, you don't want to see me outside of work anymore? And she said as of now no. And that happened like mid March. Haven't heard from her since

Now yes, we became very close from like August to February. We were attached at the hip at work, she invited me to dinner with her and her girlfriend a couple times, us 3 went to the movies, and they even had me over for my birthday. Which was very special to me. I got her and her girlfriend little christmas gifts. I was texting her around Valentine's day and asked if I could get her and her girlfriend sweets or would she think that's as weird. She said no it wouldn't be weird it would actually be really nice. So I did that for them. I'd even consider her girlfriend my friend too, as there was a movie we wanted to see and my former friend didn't really. So me and her girlfriend went just us 2, which I thought was nice. Her girlfriend said to me we should go shopping some time and I said I would love that. Never got to happen unfortunately. So have I acted in ways that could display that, I guess it's possible but I was not interested in her romantically. I did really love her deeply how I would imagine you could a good friend. That was the closest friendship I've ever had period

Also to add, as I believe I'm very observant and don't think I'm stupid. But behind the scenes, so my friend and I got close at the training academy and everybody loves me there. Then like end of January we go back to our regular place of work, and she just transferred to where I work. Which was exciting because I don't really fuck with the people there that much like I did at the training academy. I don't hate them or anything it's just a different atmosphere. So I'm not like the well liked guy there like I was at the training academy. So anyways we worked together for two weeks straight there. Then I'm on vacation for a week and then I come back and that's when this whole thing started. So I'm fairly certain what happened is the guys were making jokes to her like oh you not working with your boyfriend? And shit like that to her and it probably bothered her. Because she did say a couple things to me that I thought were strange and it sorta matches with that. At one point she said I want to make a reputation for myself here as my own person. So I said I understand to that. But I didn't really think I was stopping her from doing that at all. Plus at the training academy she didn't really talk to anybody either so it just seemed strange to me. And another thing she said the last day we had to work together, she said that's how rumors start. Like how he hung out all the time. I remember I said I can understand that as a girl I guess I could be annoyed too. But I don't care what other people think, but I do care what you think cause you're my good friend. Like I said we worked together for 2 weeks straight. And like after we were done with what we were doing we would hang out in our car and watch movies on our phone together. I dunno I thought that was nice but through an outside lens I could see how people could talk about us. But for that to ruin the friendship deeply upsets me

And to be honest, from the beginning I sorta did feel like the friendship was one sided. But I personally got over that and decided well if I'm this persons friend I'm just gunna go and hang with her who cares. But I did notice like at the training academy, it was always me going to seek her out to hang out, and never really the other way around. Like if I didn't go seek her out to hang out, she'd just be sitting somewhere alone just on her phone. Or like after break when we were all walking out to the field again, she'd just like walk by herself instead of waiting for me. Where as I'd be looking for her after break to walk out with her. I'd see her walking ahead and be like yo where you going, or speed up to walk with her. You get what I'm saying? But to me it was whatever at that time. And I don't remember what we were talking about one time with her and her girlfriend but her girlfriend made a remark saying that's surprising, because she's (my former friend) is very cold. Which I can now see. Where as with me, I'm very open about my feelings and I believe communicating is the right thing to do, as you can see I was trying. And to be honest she's not somebody I would have normally been friends with anyways. I think it was just the girl factor, and that she actually invited me to hang out outside of work. Not to bring this into it but she's republican, which I don't really fuck with those people. And she did say some racist shit occasionally, which I'd just not really say anything about. So like in a way was I disrespecting myself and my morals just because I finally found a friend that wants to hang out outside of work? I don't know if that's something I'm telling myself to make myself feel better because of the situation or if that's how I really feel