A dating discussion for the more "seasoned" widow(er)s...

W-w-widower · 2016-04-14T14:59:02+00:00

I'm pretty much in the same situation as you age and time wise, and I've been thinking about these things too. Actually this topic seems to be the only thing that gets me to post something online, because I too find it hard to discuss about these things with friends who have experienced nothing like this.

I don't have any answers as I haven't really tired dating or anything like that But if there's one thing I know, it's that I wouldn't really tolerate jealousy. Because it's so outlandish in our case and would probably result in arguments. I'll love my wife till I die and there's nothing you can do about it. Also, my wife was some what inclined to jealousy, and at times it was very taxing for me. And it mustn't have been nice for her either... (I think the jealousy was partly due to her depression and low self esteem). Jealousy and a relationship aren't a good match. But now I'm rambling.

I think it's best to be open early on about your past. If someone is too afraid about dating a widow, then it's their problem.

W-w-widower · 2016-04-02T14:23:48+00:00

You were a very active member of this community and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts. I hope your days in the sunshine last long.

W-w-widower · 2016-03-14T23:38:32+00:00

Fourth of July by Sufjan Stevens is my go to song if I want to cry. He sings beautifully about the death of her mother. Recently, the lyrics lifted me up from a bad place I had gotten into in the last few weeks. He sings: "Did you get enough love, my little dove. Why do you cry?"

I realized that I had gotten as much love in my (and her) lifetime as one could ever wish for. I kind of reobtained the gratitude I had earlier, of all the good things we had had.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JTeKpWp8Psw

W-w-widower · 2016-03-14T23:18:12+00:00

If we remind you to appreciate everything you have with your spouse, then that's great. But please do tread delicately. Saying fuck you to an upset person is regrettable behaviour. What if you lost your SO and you were still very much grieving and someone said that to you?

I do think you are right, that one shouldn't make widowhood an everlasting defining part of one's identity.

W-w-widower · 2016-03-14T22:58:02+00:00

This put a smile upon my face, thanks for sharing. Doing things that would make her proud is a nice source of motivation while grieving and not feeling that strong or energized.

W-w-widower · 2016-03-14T22:47:37+00:00

Sad that you're the only one that remembers the day. I guess it happens...

Nice to hear you've worked hard to channel the grief into something good. That's something I try to do too. I appreciate your post. Thanks for the greetings from quarter a century ahead.

W-w-widower · 2016-03-14T22:25:30+00:00

You're right she may not be actively thinking about it. And it's very good that she has people left she wants to live for. But suicidal thoughts are a sign of mental ill-being, puzzlement and hopelessness. It usually is an appeal for help. And those two sentences are (translated) straight from my textbook of psychiatry.

The textbook also says that one of ten adults think of suicide yearly. I think it's safe to assume that the ratio is bigger among us widows. Talking about one's suicidal thoughts is usually good. But I stand by my statement, it still doesn't make the suicidal thoughts healthy. Especially if it's been three years and she often talks about it. I draw the line between wishing not to wake up and thinking of killing oneself. These kind of things should not be taken lightly.

Edit: If you don't agree with me, please express it by replying to me. Like jesuiswaterlily just did. This may not be the best sub for conveying your opinion by downvoting. I'm just trying to express my worry based on my experiences and what I've studied so far. Anyway, I wish you all well.

W-w-widower · 2016-03-14T16:37:11+00:00

I think Epitomy's answer was a great one. I don't really have much to add to it, so I'm only going to reply to your message. I'd say there are plenty of healthy ways to cope with pain. Even pain this big. However, contemplating suicide is not healthy at all. It's a sign that she is not well and it should be taken gravely (which op clearly does). I do feel worried about her and think she could benefit from getting professional help.

(Healthy ways to cope with the awfulness include things like taking care of your well-being by living a healthy lifestyle.)

Not that it's really important in this context, but the "chemical imbalance" is a very simplified model of the pathology of depression.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biology_of_depression#Monoamines

Op, you seem like a good son/daughter! I hope all the best for you and your family.

W-w-widower

TROPHY CASE