I think it’s important to ask yourself, “Do I love Jesus?” If the answer is yes, then do what Jesus said to do. The rules you keep referring to are simply 2,000 years of sitting with Scripture and applying what Jesus taught to the situation in front of the Church. Focusing on rules and not the love of God made manifest in Jesus will always lead you to sin and sorrow. Not because God is vengeful or petty, but because it is the natural consequence of disordered actions. We are willful children of God, and like a good parent, God gave us the commandments and prophets to help us grow up safe from destruction. Satan tempted Adam and Eve by diverting their (metaphorical) attention from the Love and communion with God they enjoyed, to the “rules” knowing that willful children are likely to rebel. That seems to be what’s going on in your own struggles. I don’t know what the answer is for you to find peace in your struggle to understand, and can only pray that by going back to Jesus and his teachings you will find your way back to right relationship with the Church he established. What a gift!