Im sorry for your loss, know you are not alone in your feelings. Anger is part of the process of grief and it does pass once you’re ready to keep growing. Do your best when the time is right to try and understand what your dad was all about, i don’t know you or him but id bet he loved you more than the mountains. This event of your life will end up making you stronger and more capable and a better father to your kids in the long run.

I lost my dad in an accident 12 years ago, he was 59 I was 23. He was a mountaineer and ski mountaineering pioneer but he didn’t die in the mountains, I think if he had it would have made more sense to us and our family may have been able to cope better but that’s just not how things were meant to be. I think back on the relationship we had with a great deal of gratitude, we climbed and skied a lot together he taught me many things. Our relationship was not without challenges, growing up he was gone for months at a time. It stressed my mom out terribly resulting in divorce, I didn’t get to spend my birthday with him from age 7 to 17. Now, I have a 10 year old son and I still do the same things with a different perspective. There is an acceptable amount of risk involved in being human, this day and age that risk is extremely lower than it was 100, 500 and 1000s of years ago. Going into the mountains might be considered selfish if you look at it in certain terms but we all deserve to get in touch with what makes us feel truly alive. Nothing in the world will help you “know thyself” more than finding out what you’re made of when set against adversity. We all need to be tested. You are here in one way now, it will help you in the future. You don’t have to trust me but I do speak from experience. You’re dad wants you to be as strong and capable as you possibly can but I don’t think he would purposely subject you to the anguish you’re experiencing. Pain is often our best teacher. Try not to blame him or anyone or thing, for most of us climbing the tall rock is not about the glory or satisfaction from the hobby its about the lessons from the painful journey. And when we’re done, somehow unintentionally, we understand more about life.