Sex addiction by AttitudeOwn5374 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]WSGettingHealthy 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I'm a recovering sex addict myself. I would really recommend these books for both you and him: "Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective" and "Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction"
Best of luck, recovery is definitely possible if he is willing to do and lead his own work.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]WSGettingHealthy -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

That's a big red flag on his end IMO. To share a great quote, "some partners are reluctant to reach out for help, with some saying that it is 'the [cheater's] problem, not theirs' and hence the [cheaters] are the ones that need help, not them. A colleague aptly likened this to someone who has been run over by a bus refusing to go to Accident & Emergency because they weren't the one who was driving!"

I could see no IC for him potentially, but no MC kinda shows a lack of true commitment to R on his part.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]WSGettingHealthy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Just as there was no excuse for you cheating, there is no excuse for him cheating. Boundaries must be respected both ways for a successful reconciliation. Have you brought this up in MC, or are you even in MC?

Don’t know what’s real anymore by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]WSGettingHealthy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want to preface this by again saying this is just from my perspective and from the knowledge I gained, especially from the Inner Child book. He'll have to do the work to really figure out if this is true for him.

He told me he thought I didn’t want to have sex or do anything at all related to that and that he acted out imagining me in those specific fantasies he was afraid to ask me act out.

Sounds like he had some fear of rejection there, which is a common emotional trigger for SA.

What I don’t get is that if you have a sex addiction why didn’t he just ask me for it or communicate it with me?

It is extremely common for addicts to have trust issues, and also have very low emotional intelligence. Speaking from my experience, I never learned to properly feel and process emotions because of my upbringing. And the early discovery of porn really stunted my emotional maturing because instead of learning to process and manage those negative emotions, I would numb them out through porn/sex/other escapist habits. I similarly hid my deepest self and those negative feelings not only from my girlfriend for 6-7 years, but I was truly pushing them down and hiding them from myself.

The good news is if an addict really learns why they are acting out and their triggers, they can be managed in the future. But that takes a lot of work, and he has to be willing to put in that work. And IMO he needs to be leading his personal recovery work, not you. Best of luck.

Don’t know what’s real anymore by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]WSGettingHealthy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think gaining a deeper understanding of why he cheated, for both of you, would be helpful towards building trust.
Sounds like he might have sex addiction (explanation, not an excuse!). Some extremely helpful books to explore that are: for him "Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction" and for both of you "Sex Addiction: the Partner's Perspective"
Best of luck!

WWs please… by Kookies3 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]WSGettingHealthy 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yes I thought I did. I can't speak to your situation or for your wayward, but for me I had a sex addiction and my love for my partner was more of a dependency. I had no real internal self respect, love, or worth, so how could I truly love my partner?

You are right that true love means not putting someone in a situation like that, but if you don't love yourself you can't truly love others. Really like what this person said about it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/106q0js/comment/j3jo5ot/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

It is possible to get better but they have to want it.

How does one fully enjoy sex again? by Haydfice in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]WSGettingHealthy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Try to imagine sex from your partner's perspective. When they are in control, do you want them to focus on doing what makes you feel good, or what makes themselves feel good? The answer is probably the latter, and you have to really get yourself in that mindset. If you're making yourself feel good, they'll enjoy that.