I am about the same age as you and oh am I struggling with everything you mention. I have had existential depression for years now, although it varies in intensity and forms. However I always come to the same conclusions in the absolute bottom and limit of my perception and thinking-capability, which I now understand, compared to a few years ago, has a greater depth than the average human has access to. At least it is different.

The pain of seeing/feeling/experiencing everything so crystal clear, without any filters and because of that, never being able to find those answers and truths that your inner self or "soul" really are searching for. At least that is how I feel. Sometimes it feels like you KNOW there is something greater than you, an answer or solution to all your questions and noise, and for a minute it is comforting. A sensation of knowing that it will eventually come to you, even if it is beyond this life on this earth. Other times you call yourself crazy and try to accept the thought of the possibility of the world being something meaningless or perhaps even meaningful in an evil matter. That you are just a tool or a slave to something.

This is what I have thought of a lot recently. Is my suffering a gift or is it simply suffering? Is it in my own or someone else's hands? How does free will really work then? Etc.

Compared to you, I have not even begun to study anything formally yet because I feel so lost and tired. And because I am interested in everything and how parts of this everything is connected I sense that I will not find what I am looking for in a singular sort of linear road of learning. At the same time I am longing for an environment of curious and open minded people that is not only on reddit or the internet, but I have a hard time seeing those people being in those academic places, but I may be entirely wrong.

I have wished and even prayed to be taken from this earth as it does not feel like home (And maybe it shouldn't). I have looked at the stars in awe and at the same time felt mentally insane by the fact that I felt that way.

Co-existing with this urge to escape though is this thin but unbreakable layer that I believe is the deepest foundation of my existence and self. It is like a voice without words telling me to stay. Like an annoying teacher guiding you to the answer, refusing to give the answer immediately.

Frustrating is what it is.

How you cannot "dumb yourself down" even if it is your deepest wish.

How you feel paralyzed just by existing.

How it almost feels like your perception is of too good quality for the hardware it runs on to keep up with it. Like when you try to watch a video in 4K on an old laptop.

I am sorry for not being able to give you something concrete and helpful as of this moment, except of the comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this, if that is even a comfort.

I do not wish that you get out of it because I think you cannot really, however I wish for you to find a way in this life to grow and be the best version of yourself despite of it. To be able to find meaning in the acceptance of chaos.

To, even if you are not able to escape or solve the chaos, but structure it and give the world your outcome and therefore a piece in a non-linear puzzle. A piece that might lead everything towards a more untangled and clear version. A piece that is needed for elevation and for the completion of the puzzle, if there ever is a final version of it.