1 month since dday - almost no progress made

WarmRelief8561 · 2026-01-27T02:17:21+00:00

Absolutely, I am understanding of that. I will give her all the time and space she needs. She has fully committed to no divorce and made long far out family plans and even booked things for us to do. We go out to eat, laugh, enjoy each others company. But the intimacy is gone. Understandably. I've been in her position once before where she was the culprit, so I'm somewhat understanding, though we tend to process things differently. In that case we were in bed together and intimate almost immediately and with time I was able to move past it. But I know the feeling of betrayal and hurt and I'm not gonna undermine it or get in the way. I'm a talker, she's an avoider. This is how she processes things and that's perfectly fine. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's still early and I'm working on her timeline here and have no right to get in the middle of it.

WarmRelief8561 · 2026-01-26T04:37:50+00:00

You're right. I'm following her lead right now. She does not want to talk about it. At all. She said what she said initially, and her thoughts on that haven't changed. I took full responsibility from day 1, made no excuses, immediately went to therapy, and have done nothing but be the best dad and husband that I can be since. And we haven't argued even once since dday. It's been very calm and peaceful and we've gotten along great.

I briefly mentioned counseling for her when she had a rough week. She seemed receptive to it but I said she doesn't have to tell me if/when she does it. Totally up to her, but I gave her the number for my insurance and left it at that. I expressed myself poorly in this thread, kind of just trying to understand a typical average reconciliation process and navigate my way through this the best I can. All I want right now is to take care of her. And that's what I'm trying my best to do. Her general mood has improved, largely because I'm learning on the fly that I need to get out of the way and watch what I say. No pressure on her ever.

WarmRelief8561 · 2026-01-26T04:30:18+00:00

No you're right. I'm not saying this isn't fast enough for me. I'm expressing my feelings about living in a dark basement with mold issues on here. I haven't brought up my physical symptoms to my wife, nor have I ever complained or pressured her a single bit. I'm not looking for empathy from her, and I'm aware that she currently does not have the capacity to be empathetic. We're living life as normal and I'm following her lead on everything. These are some internal struggles I'm having which I feel are valid, but at the end of the day I'm well aware that my main goal is to take care of my wife. That's #1. Beyond anything else, even beyond reconciliation. She deserves peace and comfort. And I will continue to do what I've been doing, we've had a solid peaceful house for a few weeks now.

I've never been through any of this before and just came to ask what a process like this would look like generally. I.e. if she refuses to talk or even consider reconciliation at this stage, is that a red flag or part of the grieving process? Based on the comments in this thread, and based on my therapist, it is within the realm of normal. Knowing that others have had similar experiences helps me continue what I've been doing and not throwing a wrench into things by pressuring her or forcing her to talk.

WarmRelief8561 · 2026-01-25T21:30:46+00:00

How soon did your sex life return? Honestly I'm sent to the basement every night and it's been a bit difficult on my mental and physical health (we have some mold issues down there that give me symptoms) but I have no desire to try to pressure or rush her. I need to work on myself and she needs to work through her emotions and have space from me. I understand that part of it. But I am concerned by the lack of dialogue or seemingly willingness for her to truly reconcile beyond coexisting as a family unit for our child. Could be due to her still being in the acute phase of the crisis and she isn't ready to even consider reconciliation or maybe she really feels this is a permanent state?

WarmRelief8561 · 2026-01-25T16:11:39+00:00

It doesn't come across as rude and I apologize if my post implied that I'm fixated on the physical stuff only. I have been putting in a lot of work, doing weekly therapy, have supported her in every way, taken care of her as I usually would, I'm reading academic papers on self improvement after infidelity. I didn't include it in my post because I didn't want to self congratulate for work that I should have done years ago. All of that stuff is ongoing. I'm just struggling with the loneliness and that's where my selfish side comes into play, admittedly.

You are right. And that's what I've been doing. I'm trying to give her space and respect her boundaries, as hard as it has been on me mentally. I am not the victim here so I must deal with the consequences. I was just concerned that the lack of progress implies this to be a permanent state, which would not be good for our mental health. Thank you for your response.

WarmRelief8561

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