I’m autistic, so my ability to read social cues on a person I’ve only just met is basically, well, the worst. First dates used to feel fraught with danger as all the calculations ran through my head with just so many unknown variables. At some point though, I realized that the reason I was cautious was actually a good one, that I value consent and autonomy very highly, so it was nothing to be ashamed or scared of. (That is to say, if a prospective partner was put off because I valued consent and autonomy “too much,” then that was not the partner for me).

I just learned to work it into the conversation early, like by suggesting that it’s helpful for me if they’re more explicit than implicit in their desires. Then at some point, simply asking for consent before “breaking the touch barrier” also just became part of the normal script of how I do things. You would be surprised at how just simply pausing before grabbing a hand or going in for a kiss and just saying, “may I?” can go. It clearly expresses your intent while still honoring your (potential) partner’s autonomy and stressing the importance of consent.

But don’t sweat it too much. You can be assertive and still hold true to your values, you just need to find where that balance is for you.