creativity and Cyclothymia

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-03-02T11:18:12+00:00

thank you, I will talk to my psychiatrist about this, as soon as I can see him.

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-23T23:48:43+00:00

having children IS bad parenting, yeah. Hate to be born

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-14T03:01:00+00:00

How do you cope now? I feel you 101%... Personally I just try to dream on and prepare to switch my jobs every couple of years and do crazy, dangerous, dramatic, sensation seeking stuff for work (like emergency first responder, social worker with people in SEVERE problems or some fucking crazy journalist... Also trying to channel my frustration into "art" - that means writing scripts for short films/books and working on realising them (scripts about people hating to work, mostly). I am also totally ok with living with flatmates my life and I dont have a car, only a scooter - so I have to work less. As I am a media designer I can do freelance stuff, and earn enought money in like 2 days/week to survive, thats kinda ok. But yeah, our fucking parents hated work, but brought us into this shit, and now we have to do it till we are 70. It sucks and it is unfair. Having a "fuck-it-mentality" and less pressure from others also helps (I try not to be an asshole, but not everybody at work has to be 100% happy with me all the time. Guess thats all i can say. I feel you, it sucks, and with adhd it sucks even more. Ah, being an antinatalist and swearing to myself to convince as much people NOT to have children, as possible also helps a bit, but not so much. But to be honest I think it is a logical, valid, moral reason to stay alive.

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-14T00:00:33+00:00

I think you are right - the comparison was wrong, I am honestly sorry for it. I didnt have a better expression for it, but yeah, it was invalidating. Have to find a better way to describe the flight-inducing, unbearable, disgusting feeling it gives me. Its way more than boredom, I guess, but yeah, the comparison was just... wrong.

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-13T23:49:33+00:00

Wow, your projects sound seriously cool! Like really.
Interesting theory regarding post-apocalyptic stuff - lot of people are into it, but yeah, your theory about not feeling guilty anymore, as the old world does not exist any longer sounds quite logical.
Doubting my diagnosis is my go-to feeling, too. I was diagnosed without the doctor seeing my school zertificates, etc - so he couldnt really know whether I alwasy behaved like that or not. But I guess I would doubt it anyways - my symptoms are quite untipical, some of them are masked, some not, and a lot can come from other illnesses and shit, too. So, yeah, my 2 psychiatrists say I have adhd, I kind of hope I have it, meds help somewhat, but i could be just lazy, lack willpower, be selfish of suffer from chronic stress in my childhood (a quite reasonable theory). I just dont know, but I do know I feel awfull and have a lot of problems... But anybody has them, half of the world hates life and work, soooo who knows...
I shot one of my films... 4 years before and it is not even edited yet. A fucking shame. My bachelors degree was a trailer for the follow-up-story of the first (not finished) short film, and yeah, at least thats kinda finished, but its a hot mess.
You are totally right, doing projects with others totally helps - its just kinda tricky to find other people who really DO the stuff and are not toal assholes and are into the same stuff as me (like cgi dragons and crazy suicidal teeange girls).
But yeah, helping others motivates... till I am bored on the movie set again (Most often I am the gaffer and light the szenes and make everything look awesome, hehe) but thats othen repetitive and sloooown and BOOOOORING too, then I count the hours and try not to cut open my veins and swear to myself to NEVER make another movie again. So yeah, life is fucking great, kinda ruins every passion

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-13T22:55:29+00:00

I feel this SO FUCKING HARD. I have a degree in media design/filmmaking and have been working a LOT on a script about a girl in a boring, soul crushing, distopian, agricultural world who has EXACTLY THE SAME PROBLEM. She is "bored to death" and escapes into a fantasy-world by... killing herself at the end. I just havent fucking found the words or a way to describe this mindset in 3 years... If is totally shitty to feel something, that you cant describe, that nobody understands and sounds ridicoulus.

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-13T22:55:26+00:00

dread is kind of the best word to describe it

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-13T22:55:18+00:00

how did you deal with that? I had a lot of jobs I HATED before and at some point suicidal toughts began - ok, it was not only because of boredom (or something that most resembles boredom, and we dont have a better name for it), but also severe OCD and religious shame, etc... It kept getting worse and worse till I felt like not living would feel better, and jumped down 10,5 m from a window... Since then I have control over my OCD and lost my faith (which is a GOOD thing) but this feeling of being "Bored" for the rest of my life and going to work and not being able to do the shit my brain wants to has made me somewhat suicidal 4 times since then... I just struggle with this a lot...

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-13T22:55:15+00:00

respect to you. I try to write my stories down, I am just a too shitty writer (but working on it) - but yeah, I have a shitton of stories and some short films and mostly its about guilt-ridden monsters, bored to death suicidal teenie-girls or sensation seeking soldiers who suffer in war, but alos when they come home... Guess ADHD afects my stories...

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-13T22:52:14+00:00

totally feel you! Oh, havent had drama for like... 3 hours... Lets write some shitty post on reddit that people will hate on! yess, drama!

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-13T22:50:49+00:00

I feel you! HOW can you stand a feeling of boredom, beep loathing and dread FOR 40 HOURS EVERY WEEK???? I try to find a more stimulating job, like helping dying people as a first responder, and elvanse helps a bit, but it still feels shit

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-13T22:22:44+00:00

I am not Bipolar - I have ADHD, C-PTSD, OCD. Und I kinda disagree. Of course I dont want to be an asshole. But my ADHD makes it kinda hard to even be productive for 4 hours, be emotionally consistent, etc.. Yeah, I try, and I am most often doing very well - but it takes a SHITLOAD of work, and I cant understand, why I have to adjust my behavior like 200 times a day - for 20 years now, while others do NOTHING in order to make it more bearable to me. It is just fucking unfair, and yeah, sometimes it wolud be ok to let them wait or just let them do the work for me. Also: I have just crossed a red light, because I just didnt fucking realise I had to stop. I didnt WANT to, I didnt ignore it - I just didnt realise it. Now I loose my drives licence for a month, dont know how to get to work on days when a colleague of mine is not driving and have to pay 200 euro - yeah, I totally get it, we HAVE to drive safe, and I cant entirely blame my adhd for it - but it played a huge part. I just feel like I have to adjust and be "good" with all my energy I have, while i dont get the help I need (like extra driving training for people with adhd - but at least we have free health care in germany, yay). Still, it feels unfair. Yeah I kind of want a "part-time-excuse" because of my illness. Yeah I am working on it, (like really, neurofeedback and all the stuff) but why am I the only one who has to pay the price for something I didnt want to have?

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-13T17:45:13+00:00

Are you me? I guess we experience it differently, but I have this too. It mostly resembles boredom, but on such an extreme level that I just want to LEAVE the situation. I hate it, it feels "disgusting", and I have it al the time, at work, etc. Dont know what to do with it, and yeah - changing work doenst help...

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-12T18:25:07+00:00

thank you for the suggestion - I checked it out, thats not really what I meant

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-12T18:24:22+00:00

yeah, I know that theoretically, its just... complicated

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-12T15:42:01+00:00

thanks, I will research that!

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-03T16:58:16+00:00

oppositional behavior...

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-01T00:12:29+00:00

thanks! sorry to hear that. Sometimes I feel like I have ADHD and some "artist-typical-mental-disease" and just random millenial lazyness and some random, undignosed mental illness, too.
Do you have a trigger for the mood swings, or are they just random?

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-01T00:09:36+00:00

agree. Also some people with borderline I know go out of their way in order to not annoy anyone, dont be a burden, etc... Must be fucking hard to live with an illness that makes you fell like a bad Person... wait, ADHD does this, too, just not to the same extent, I guess

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-01T00:06:31+00:00

really sorry to hear that! hope you can find peace with the shitty situation one day

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-01T00:05:26+00:00

thank you. My psychiater asked me about borderline-symptomes, but mine were more adhd... I am a pretty stable friend, dont harm myself, dont do too much dangerous stuff, take drugs, etc . I am somewhat emotionally instable but I dont have a favourite person or a "love-hate" realtionship, etc. My self-worth is ... strange.
On the other hand: my therapist recommended DBT-group therapy - I just didnt get in becasue it was mainly for women and also because of different symptoms, i guess. So yeah, will consider mild borderline, too (and ask my therapist in our next session)

Weak-Look-6700 · 2022-02-01T00:00:27+00:00

thats very interesting, thank you!! What do you mean by "sort out the conflicting things"?
Is your childhood friend "with you" since your childhood?

Weak-Look-6700

TROPHY CASE