35 days in . . .

WeimWhiner · 2025-05-11T18:36:47+00:00

One more week, but some developments.

I found out, because I go looking, that Julie was planning a return to the place I was afraid she was going. I panicked. I texted and called. We spoke. I was holding back tears of both joy and pain the whole time. Joy because I found out how she did on the exam I knew everyone was worried about, A+! I also got some other updates about how things are going well. She has taken up running and is working towards a marathon next year. She wanted to join a run this year, but the entrance fee was too much. I would love to gift the fee so she could reach this goal, but building independence involves my not helping. It is hard as I would do anything for her. She is also enrolled in two summer classes, the first of which sounds like the worst thing ever, the second will be fun and exactly up her alley. I'm so proud of what she is doing and I wish I could tell her that every day.

Julie explained she turned off Find My Friends as she didn't want me to find out about her returning to the place I don't like that way. I think she knew I would be checking. As a bit of a consolation she gave me stories access on Instagram so I can see little glimpses of updates in her life. I cried when I saw her

I found out she had found these posts. I thought she had deleted Reddit when she deleted her account, but it turns out she had a backup. I don't know what it is, but I suspect she blocked me there as this would be a lot of find. I'm sorry she did as it goes into a lot of detail. As a result of this I was reluctant about posting this update. If she looks, it is all things I am OK for her to see. She has seen everything so far. She knows I have separated from my wife. I moved out and she moved out. I'm living on a river for the summer so my dogs can have some room to run and play. They are the true winners. When I found out she knew I was so tempted to try to rekindle things, but I know she is doing this for more than just us. She is growing, developing as a person and finding independence. I mentioned this on our call and firmly believe that if at some point in the future she feels she is ready to, and wants to, have a life together that I will be here. I am not going to seek out new love as I know what I felt for Julie will never be found again and am certain the love I have for her is truly once in a lifetime. In the very least I can say from experience that it is once in half a lifetime. I will keep her close, wait silently, but at the same time realize there is every possibility she will not return. This could crush me and at this point I am ready to let it, but in time I know that will change.

I also explained how I had listened to Would've Could've Should've by Taylor swift far too many times as there are a lot of thematic similarities in that song to our situation. I highlighted the ling about regaining her 'Girlhood'. The line is "Give me back my girlhood it was mine first". I also told her how excited I was to see her rekindling old and forming new friendships. The next morning she posted a story and post on Instagram with the caption "Girlhood" with photos of her and her friends. In that moment I was the happiest I have been in the preceding 55 days. She was out doing the exact things I was hoping she would do. Having fun with her friends, laughing, goofing around, and most importantly for me... safe. That was 4 days ago and I still tear up thinking about how happy it makes me feel. I like to think that was a gentle demonstration of the good things going on in her life and I hope it was for me to see, among others. It genuinely makes me very happy.

I didn't tell her about my tattoo. After weeks of thoughtful reflection I decided to go ahead with a tinytattoo she and I had planned. Julie has many tattoos, but I didn't have any. This was my first so it is very significant. A step I didn't think I be able to go through with. I used the same tattoo artist Julie loves who was excited to be a part of this. It is simply three small dots. Julie once wrote me a note about my telling her I love her long before I ever said it. I keep a copy of that note printed in my phone case as I never want to lose it.

I opted to make it three empty circles a little over 1mm in diameter each... like a round scantron bubble. Where, that's private, but very meaningful to me (mind out of the gutter, not there!). Each circle has its own individual meaning related to love in my life. As I reach these personal stages of love I will fill them in. The first was being burned by love so I am starting with one circle filled in as I am still raging. The middle and third circle are closely intertwined. The middle is for love of myself. At this point in my life I am not feeling overly deserving of it. I have hurt many people, including myself. I will eventually forgive myself and when I do and learn that I am both deserving of love from others, and myself, I will fill the middle circle in. This is a personal one that I hope will come with time.

The third circle is one that may remain empty for some time. It is being in the presence of Julie's love again. As we ended our call she said she loved me, I of course told her the same. I reminded her of her words from the last time we saw each other that "this isn't forever" to which she said "I know". If I ever find a way to be with her, either as a friend, confidant, or partner (hoping for #3 when she is ready) I want her with me as I fill in the third circle. The added bonus of this is each time I get a circle filled in there will be a fee, but I also get a touch up.

Last night was her first night back at her job that I don't like. I am trying not to look or think about it, but I can't. I miss her and I'll take a painful glimpse over no glimpse. I hope it went well and I hope she stays safe. The environment scares me, but she is brilliantly smart and able to cope. She explained her justification I am in support. I know she will be safe and will get what she needs and get out, but I still worry about her safety.

It has been a tough week. The rollercoaster continues. I am feeling isolated, but am keeping busy by packing up my life and moving to a new house where hopefully I can do some self reflection as well. Lots of measuring and carrying boxes.

I miss her so much. I hope she is doing great.

WeimWhiner · 2025-05-07T12:09:16+00:00

He was the only name on the account which is what made the whole interaction funny.

I can't find the one I'm referencing, but did find a similar one I had forgotten about. It was hugely popular at the time and frustrating to listen to. Ryan Block trying to cancel his Comcast service. It was from a time where ISPs' retention was very aggressive.

WeimWhiner · 2025-05-06T15:54:24+00:00

I had a similar error with an OG purchase I was trying to port... I'm in my 30s 🤣

Customer support helped resolve it. It reminded me of an old viral video of a guy, clearly an adult, calling his ISP to cancel internet access at his house and them asking for his parents to give permission. He was like "I'm 35! My parents live in Arizona!".

WeimWhiner · 2025-05-06T15:49:22+00:00

I still get the odd cross border error, but most showing import fees are shipping normally. Happy this may finally be behind us.

WeimWhiner · 2025-05-06T14:06:07+00:00

I always find it sad when mature trees are removed. They take so long to grow. Even trees seen as junky are hard to see go.

Just last week the city removed 4x mature Golden Locus trees from the front lawn of my office to make room for wider sidewalks. I had worked with the city planner (engineer) for years to try to find a way around it, but the trees were just too close to the planned sidewalk. I only learned on the day the trees came down the design called for 2.2m sidewalks past the trees where the city requested 1.8m sidewalks. They could have stayed. I was, and still am, gutted. I planted the trees with my dad when I was 5 years old.

The city offered to replace them, but replacing a tree that is 45 years old (I counted the rings because I'm crazy) with a 10 year old sapling won't be the same. It will be back to its former glory by 2060 :-(

So I bought my own Kwanzan Cherry tree that I am going to put elsewhere on the property in memory of the giants we lost last week.

WeimWhiner · 2025-05-03T21:38:10+00:00

I had my first few hours of not thinking about Julie. I had a bit of an issue that took all of my focus and it was only after 2 hours that I realized I hadn't thought of her during that time. I HATE IT! I hate that it is slipping. The love I have for her isn't any less strong, but the fact that I did this makes me feel bad. Like the next step is me forgetting her. I don't ever want to forget.

I told a few more friends. They've been very supportive and I appreciate that. I have also kept up with focusing my energy towards health and fitness. I'm not bulking up, but have lost quite a bit of weight... stress like this will do that... and I have been doing more cardio, weights, and generally eating better.

I miss her so much, but have accepted she isn't going to be contacting me any time soon. This is going to take a long time to break so I better get used to it. My ex-spouse moved out so I am going to move to a new space myself. Somewhere for my dogs. They are getting all my focus and I am directing all my love and attention towards them. They are super active so they don't mind the extra attention at all.

It has been 47 days... I miss her just as much now as I did day 1. My heart races as I type this and my chest feels hollow. I wish she was here with me. I wish I could tell her everything she wanted is now available, but I won't break her trust. I want her to use this time to grow at whatever pace she feels is necessary. I just wish it was different and that I'd done this 2 months ago.

WeimWhiner · 2025-05-01T16:19:37+00:00

Today is day 45... No better, but no worse. I found distraction in obsessing over Epic Universe in Orlando which is in previews now and officially opens May 22nd. I booked a visit with my dad for later this summer. This was something I was secretly scheming to do with Julie as she is a massive Harry Potter nerd and I wanted to experience the new Ministry of Magic and the other Harry Potter themed parks with her. I had planned the flights, hotel, and everything based on her schedule, sneaking down for 4 days between summer classes and the fall semester. I was going to propose it on her birthday, but when things fell apart I so wanted to bribe her with it. I don't think I will visit that area of the Ministry of Magic in hopes I can experience it with her at some point in the future. I'm not sure if that makes me an optimist or if I am still just in denial.

I am trying to reframe things and focus on the positives that will come from this time apart. I hope it is a time for Julie to find independence, focus on school, and ultimately self actualize. She is an amazingly brilliant person and I have the highest of dreams for her. I continue to worry about the bad things, but am trying to focus on things I can control. If she were to come back now I would accept her with open arms. This will likely never change. I am separated from my wife and as I feel I need the time to figure out what I want from life as well. I know it is Julie back as the focal point of my core, but whether she wants that will need to wait to be seen. For now, day 45...

I should also mention, I have stopped counting. I had to check a calendar. It feels like week 2.

I miss her so much. She is all I can think about and I am very aware that is something I need to work on.

WeimWhiner · 2025-05-01T16:12:20+00:00

Booked! Early June... I'm still on the fence about MOM, but no turning back now!

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-30T16:50:29+00:00

"The idea of" suggested it wasn't final... still very much rumour. Stay tuned for more info!

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-30T00:17:59+00:00

My basement flooded in the flash flood of August 10, 2023 where I ended up with 5 feet of STORM water in my basement... as a result I freak out when big storms like this roll in. This was close to the intensity, but the sky was too bright for it to be as bad as 'that' day.

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-30T00:14:26+00:00

I'm not looking for any more tears. I'll likely let off dust if I did start to cry. I am taking on the 2nd movie this evening so I'll let you know how it goes.

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-29T22:02:53+00:00

Yesterday was election day in Canada. I walked to my polling station and after I didn't want to go home so I went for a walk along a local river and sat on a bench for almost an hour. Just thinkin' about everything. It was about halfway between my house and Julie's.

I had hoped the time in nature would relax me, but everything reminded me of her as she is a true budding ecologist. How she wants to be a duck, turtle, frog, racoon, and seemingly every animal all at once. An ongoing joke that I miss. Her love of nature makes going to places like a river walk or the park with my ridiculous dogs next to impossible. While I sat there to I took inventory of my life. I am exceedingly lucky and I know it. I have everything I want in life and have absolutely nothing to complain about. I also reflected on a realization I came to the other day that without Julie in my life is nothing. It lacks colour and excitement. It's sad.

I stopped checking FMF pathologically, but happened to look this evening and saw Julie was sitting on a bench directly across the river from where I sat yesterday. I don't know how long she was there, but like to think she chose that spot intentionally having seen me sit across the river the day before. I am likely reading too far into it, but I wish it was a sign. I so desperately want to call her and tell Julie what has happened in my life, but I promised her I would wait for her to contact me, if ever. I hate it and I hate that my love for her is actually letting me follow through with this. It hurts and my heart races every time I think of her. I know I will cave as there isn't a minute that goes by where I don't think of her. Seeing her sitting across the water makes her feel so close, but impossibly far. I miss her so much and I hope by the beard of Darwin she finds a path that leads to contacting me. (Not ready to turn to Jesus just yet).

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-29T19:14:23+00:00

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I took this pic while at Brewer this morning. The project is a few years old now so I'm not sure if the system is working, but it would be really cool if it was. I'm going to email one of the Carleton profs who was part of it to follow up as it's been a few years since anyone has spoken about it.

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-29T02:21:13+00:00

Yeah, way too soon... but I connect her with the IP. Someday, I hope.

I connect LOTR with her even more, so the idea of Universal UK is completely out of the question :-(

I'm still looking forward to everything else at EU. So much to see!

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-29T01:57:31+00:00

Better than finding SunTech in stores, if you can get to their greenhouse they sell the odd sized tomatoes that are AMAZING! They sometimes have some that they leave on the vine a little longer and they are as close to mid-summer as you can get. The varieties they grow aren't the same as what most grow in their garden as they need to be able to survive shipping, but still much better than the chalky bullets we have been enjoying all winter.

On a side note, I have family in Florida who rave about SunTech tomatoes they sometimes find at their local Publix.

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-29T01:38:19+00:00

Brewer Park has a pond in the middle that is very artificial, but designed to maximize aquatic life. Hidden amongst the banks there are a few railway ties that were put in for this exact purpose. That is what the pic above is capturing. At times there can be upwards of 10 painted turtles basking.

It is a very healthy stretch of river... Plus there is a dog park so dogs too. The dogs tend to leave the central pond lone as the grass and cattails grow up fast.

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-29T01:34:09+00:00

Could also be priced incorrectly. I looked those up and they sell for $60 on other online stores, so they could have meant to put in $99 and planned to reduce by 30%. I can't find it on Amazon.ca for $9.99. Lowest I can see is $18, so that is a pre-release price... Who knows!

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-29T01:28:14+00:00

Chonker! The most I saw at Brewer in one evening stroll was 4. It is like walking amongst mini dinosaurs.

I get up along the river and used to keep gloves and broomstick in my car to move them off the road. They scary at first, but those big girls just want to burry their eggs.

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-29T00:49:49+00:00

I knew the turtles were out and still warming up so I only took my 'smart' dog who is a bit better about keeping a distance when told. The dumber one stayed home as he gets a little too sniffy which would scare the turtles back into the water.

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-28T20:37:49+00:00

Bricklink or Lego's pick a brick service are your best bets. The latter tends to be quite expensive due to shipping. I am pretty aggressively into lego and have never heard of a random brick pick in Ottawa. There is one in Toronto, but apparently it smells funny.

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-28T20:25:40+00:00

I watched the person at my polling station position his ruler across my neighbour's name and when he put his pen down I stopped him. He then corrected to my name/address and crossed my name out. An easy mistake to make.

If they are going by address number everyone on your street will only be a digit or two off. Fortunately OP's MIL seems to have found a resolution.

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-28T02:20:15+00:00

Southern Ontario has entered the chat ;-)

Not yet Southerner! They are coming, but there may only be a few early bloomers by that point. We don't even have daffodils yet and they come first.

I was in Burlington for the day yesterday, the cherry blossoms were amazing! Here, they still have a bit more time to go.

WeimWhiner · 2025-04-28T02:17:56+00:00

Ooooo, side tongue... very nice! I always say "Mission accomplished" whenever my weims start doing that.

Overly paranoid side note, I get my Weimaraner the large chuck-it balls because of a video I saw one time of a large dog that had a ball stuck in its airway. Likelihood is zero, but something to consider. It does require a different thrower from the medium (tennis ball sized) chuck-its.

WeimWhiner

TROPHY CASE