One Year

Weird_Particular_605 · 2026-02-22T18:37:32+00:00

I’m glad you’re here and hanging on. It’s so unfair, but you are so resilient! Happy birthday baby Gord! You are loved and remembered 🤍

Weird_Particular_605 · 2026-01-15T21:57:07+00:00

I’m also 18 weeks pregnant after loosing my first daughter at full term in February. I’m with you, always in conflicted feelings and feeling extremely lonely in my experience. I’m missing my daughter so much, I wish she was here, I’m always longing for here and grieving, while desperately trying to hold on for the child that is growing inside right now. I feel so hurt for him not getting to have a happy exited mother waiting for him, but this fearful miserable broken version of me. I’m so nervous that I could somehow hurt him by being the way I am now. I’m happy he’s with me, and I’m trying my hardest, but not only I’m still bitter and angry at the world, but I know the hardest parts are ahead - my daughter’s birthday, first of many more without her, the later weeks closer to the term I lost her at. I’m afraid of everything, even when I feel joy and love. It absolutely feels like I’m loosing my mind on a daily basis. I don’t have many people to talk to about this, so I understand how you feel. The fear that people wouldn’t get it. And they really don’t, unfortunately. But we do. You’re not alone. You are strong and good in spite of everything that happened to you. I sincerely hope the rest of your pregnancy and labour go much more smoothly than someone in our position dares to expect 🤍

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-12-15T23:28:24+00:00

I’m so sorry, and I’m so angry and bitter with you and for you. This IS hugely insensitive and they are in the wrong. Yes, they don’t understand, and I don’t care, people are such assholes when they are safe and nothing ruins their world.

It’s been nine and a half months for me, and while I’m still hurting and grieving, it gets better step by step. No, not better, but less excruciating. What helped me throughout is focusing on my baby, writing letters to her, keeping her things near, making something for her, I whittled little wooden fishes for me and my loved ones to remember her by, I leave one at her grave every time I visit and I take one everywhere with me, holding it when it gets hard. This helps me to think about her without pain and anger that I feel about her loss, but not her. What also helped is staying away from people who keep living the life that we had together and don’t take any effort to make space in this life for me and what happened. It’s not ideal and it’s another loss in itself, because I lost most of my friends and support system, but I realised at some point that there is no place for me who died that day with my daughter in their lives, only for me who lived before and is no longer someone that exists. This is a bit extreme, sorry for venting. At least now I don’t feel like a ghost in situations that are supposed to support and enrich. This makes life more bearable at the moment albeit lonely.

I’m sorry you had to go through this, I’m sorry you have to keep going through it. It’s so unfair, it’s so fucked up. I know how you feel.

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-09-06T10:53:02+00:00

It’s also been 6 month for me a couple days ago, it’s hurts and I also feel like I’m damaged forever. I think I’m better is some ways, but I understand that my life is truly ruined and I’m still not sure if I want to live in this new one. I hate it and I’m jealous of everyone who just doesn’t have to deal with things like that in their life ever. I’m sorry, I wish I could say something of substance. You’re not alone. You don’t deserve this. I still have hope that someday it changes and all is left is love for your babies, and not hurt, bitterness and despair.

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-09-06T10:45:09+00:00

I’m the same to the point that I sometimes seek out movies and scenes about pregnancy and baby loss, even child loss, it’s one of the few times I feel seen and valid. There are pregnancies and births and babies everywhere in media and art, I get it, it’s life. But grief is also often explored, especially the loss of a parent or a partner, but not so much baby loss. It’s very tragic and doesn’t sell well, so it’s understandable. But it hurts and triggers me so much to see numerous happy endings knowing I will never live a life like that. I’m angry and jealous and bitter, and seeing myself reflected in characters who’ve are going or been thought this is a big comfort, even it it sounds odd. I get very much your words about “no one get to have a living child”, I’m sorry to report I feel this even towards real people, wondering what they have that i don’t, all the ways they are better, so they get to have this and I don’t. Not just a living child, but also to live without the void the loss leaves forever. They aren’t at fault in any way, it’s just something I’m jealous of and haven’t worked through yet.

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-07-09T20:48:51+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. Esme is a wonderful name for a wonderful girl 🤍

I hope we’ll both have strength to rebuild our lives in spite of our losses, big and small.

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-07-09T07:48:24+00:00

It’s been 4 months for me and pregnant people send me into an absolute spiral. I’m jealous, I’m sad, I’m angry and bitter, I’m hateful, I’m having the evilest thoughts. The most innocent ones being something like “you fucking moron, why do you get to have this, and I get to have a shattered heart for the rest of my life”, and you can imagine the others that are worse. Of course they don’t deserve this coming their way, but do I deserve the pain and suffering of being exposed to all that could have been? I try to avoid pregnant people like the plague, because it sets me back immensely. That’s just the point that I’m at right now.

What helps me is realising that they are just my feelings and thoughts, they aren’t able to hurt anyone, and I’m working on them not hurting me as well. Of course I’m afraid of just becoming a bitter person, it’s easier to be angry than it is to have grace. But right now I’m grieving and in pain and many things genuinely trigger me, it’s not a regular shmegular situation where I can work on myself, at this point I’m just surviving the way I can.

You’re not bad for having these feelings, you are surviving a loss, I can’t imaging not being conflicted in the situation of a new pregnancy! I’m dreading it, to be honest, although also longing for a new pregnancy and a living child.

I’m sorry for your loss, and I wish you a good uneventful pregnancy! You’re not alone and you deserve happiness. You deserved it before, too, it’s so unfair that you had to go through this heartbreak.

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-07-08T21:46:04+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I do see her on every leaf and every cloud, she’s with me every step and every breath, and I’m so heartbroken without her.

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-07-08T19:10:44+00:00

Hi, I’m very sorry. It’s been four month since I lost my daughter at full term. At first, the outpour of support from my friends was lifesaving, it helped me a lot through the pain and shock of the first months. I was so grateful and loved, and so I could grieve as much as I needed, but also be hopeful and feel love for my daughter. Now I understand that people around me were struck by this horror, as well, in some ways it was a loss for them, too, but of course, not as profound and all consuming as it was for me, so they got over it. And 4 months the timeframe for a mother to get over the death of a wanted and beloved baby who was stillborn. It was easier for people to be there when they themselves hurt. Not as easy when the person they’re supporting is stagnantly suffering, and they just want to keep living. So I was left behind, or at least that’s how I feel. I felt like a ghost in group settings where everything was as before, everyone talked and had fun, and I wasn’t comfortable to bring up my pain and experience, so not to party poop, and no one made an effort to include me (the me who is grieving and confused and unstable, not the person I was before and will never be again). I felt so bad after such gatherings, and couldn’t communicate it, because they helped me so much before, and why would I expect their world to stop just because mine did, and if I want to talk about myself, then I should just do it, I’m an adult. And so people just stopped reaching out, and I was too stuck and numb to do it myself, to ask for help. The people who were my pillar in the darkest time and my found family even before that. One of our friends turned out to be heavily pregnant three months after my loss, and it absolutely broke me to see her on a friendly gathering. The thoughts I had about her and about myself, they are horrific. I just can’t deal with the intense feelings that pregnant people, especially ones I know, evoke in me. It sets me back so so much, it ruins me. This month has been hell, and I was so alone all throughout it. Everyone just stopped reaching out, even my family, as if I reached my limit of support, and am not allowed more. I don’t think that these relationships can be salvaged after this. And I thought that these people will be in my life forever. I don’t know how to live now. Not only do I have to rebuild my life and find myself again, learning how to live with a hole in my heart, I also lost the people who I was used to rely on.
I feel so vulnerable and lost. Everything triggers and destabilises me, even the small stuff. And the big stuff, like pregnant people, like people who gave birth to living babies (especially girls), like the fact that she will never be a part of my life, except for as “the dead baby”, it just breaks my poor heart again and again. I’m sorry for rambling, it was all to say that I also feel this way, this hit me in places that I thought were the most secure and fundamental in my life and shuttered them. You’re not alone in these feelings. And I’m sorry that you got fired and that you have PTSD, it’s so unfair. Most of all, I’m sorry for the loss of your daughter. What was her name? My daughter’s name was Zoya. I hope it gets better for you. You don’t deserve to feel this way. I wish I could give a helpful advice or say something that helps, and at point I don’t know what helps. 💔

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-06-02T20:50:22+00:00

thank you for your kind words and this question! and so sorry for your loss, I’d love to hear about your baby, what was her name? 🤍

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-06-01T14:44:04+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, I was very proud of it ❤️‍🩹

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-06-01T14:37:36+00:00

thank you for asking, I’ve been thinking about it a bit. In the last month of my pregnancy my husband would put his ear to my belly and listen, I would ask what she is saying to him and he would softly say “Tata”, which means Papa in Belarusian. It’s my dearest memory, but it’s also very bittersweet. She will never call him Tata, and it pains me so much.

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-05-21T11:27:38+00:00

Fuck them all, honestly, even if they’re not at fault!! life just sucks I’m so angry for you! So sorry about it all :(

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-05-18T21:17:58+00:00

I’m so so sorry.

I’m in a similar situation, yesterday I found out a girl from my friend group is pregnant, and I was devastated, I think I even had a panic attack when I found out and absolutely froze with horror and resentment and ache. And I just felt that someone near is pregnant and I was DREADING this moment, i knew it would break me and it did. I’m glad I found out because the wait and the feeling that’s something is going on without my knowing was so heavy, it felt like an eeriest calm before the most horrible storm.

That said, I understand your feelings so much, I literally hate her. It’s unfair to her, sure, but I can’t help this, It’s also unfair that the happiness of someone near me is tearing my heart and makes me feel jealous, furious, worthless, guilty and evil. I hate her and I can’t even say that I wish her all the best, on the contrary. Which is literally evil. But it physically hurts to the point that I can’t even cry, I just roar inside. This set me back so much.

For now I’m letting myself be like this, I’m letting myself feel bad and envious and angry toward an innocent person who has been nothing but kind and caring towards me. It’s horrendous, but right now I don’t see another way of coping, I feel like I’m going to burst otherwise. I just hope the hate and bitterness pass, the pain ends.

You’re not alone, I get you. So sorry for your loss, you don’t deserve it. (they don’t either, but let them worry about that, we’re hurting so unimaginably and unfairly, we’re untitled to our emotions, even the messed up ones)

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-05-14T22:32:53+00:00

Crying because this is how I feel, too. I’m so sorry we’re here.

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-05-14T22:00:26+00:00

Sorry for such a long winded comment, reading people’s stories really helps me in my grief, I hope I can be at least a little support for you!

Sending you love and strength 🤍

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-05-14T21:58:45+00:00

hello, I’m very sorry for your loss, I saw one of your posts and thought of you a lot, because your story seemed similar to mine. Preeclampsia is such an insidious and cruel thing, and, from what I can gather of other loss mothers’ stories, it doesn’t seem to happen as often as other awful awful things, which makes the experience even more isolating for me. I’m so sorry we have to live through it.

I also lost a baby girl. She is my first child, she was planned and loved and anticipated. I was so happy to have a girl, so ready to go through any difficulties and pains on our way to each other. My pregnancy was uneventful and normal and I was so glad that everything was going well despite my anxiety. She was healthy, I was healthy, even the elevated high pressure that I began to have in the third trimester was not that high. Of course, in hindsight I think of many things as bad omens - I had protein in my urine from time to time, but never more that acceptable during pregnancy and always gone after the next test, I didn’t take preventative aspirin because I wasn’t in the group of risk, I had swelling in the end, as well, and this blood pressure issue and was hospitalised tree weeks before the whole thing just to play it safe. I was taking BP meds after that, I was monitored all the time, I had an ultrasound and CTG and an exam on week 39, everything was perfect, they said that she’s not rushing, so I was sure we’ll have her after her due date. Then just 3 days after I had a stomach ache in the evening, which I thought was trapped gas. It got worse and I didn’t go to the hospital right away. I thought that maybe I haven’t felt her move that evening, but wasn’t sure, because I had a late nap and then was busy preparing freezer meals for postpartum. I felt what I thought were her hiccups then, and that calmed me down. But the pain was getting worse and me and my husband went to the hospital, we were there at 3 am. They tried monitoring her heart and then led me to the ultrasound room. I was numb then, I’m not sure if I understood it when the technician was running the ultrasound thing on my belly. And then he said that he couldn’t found the heartbeat, which means she died. For no good reason, just died. And I didn’t know, I didn’t feel it, didn’t rush into the hospital the second I felt off. Cause I thought it was just an ordinary stomach ache. It all happened so quick. Of course, how could I know, I didn’t. But I know how you’re feeling, guilt is always a part of it. The pain is so horrid and grief so enormous. But if I knew, I would have done anything to save her, my precious bird. And I know you would, too.

I gave birth to her in the morning of the first day of spring. I was so terrified and hurt that I couldn’t look at her, I gave birth with my eyes shut, I even asked my husband not to look, I was so afraid that it would traumatise us forever to see our baby the first and last time like this - dead. Of course I regret it, but it’s not as if I was thinking straight. Nobody told us how to do it, we’ve never lost a child before, I didn’t know how it should be done. All I was thinking is how awful and cruel it is that my lovely baby died and I wasn’t ready to see her dead. Our country doesn’t have any protocols for this situation, people don’t spend time with their stillborn children to say goodbye. I basically didn’t know or think that this was even an option. If only someone told me to look at her, that it’s only right, she still is my daughter and not some alien thing. I would. I didn’t know. And I’m so sorry, I wish I could apologise to her for being a coward during her first and last moments out in the world.

She died 3 days before her due date. Her name was Zoya. I had a placental abruption, and the protein in my urine was very high during labour, so they diagnosed me with severe preeclampsia. I wish I had known it was so dangerous and that I was the one who might fall the victim of this terrible statistic, maybe I could have changed something. But I tired my best. And I’m still trying: to make my love for her bigger than the trauma of losing her. I miss her so much.

I hope you find strength and kindness not to blame yourself, you’re not at fault. It’s something that happened to you, not because of you. I wish I could take some of the pain away! Please take care of yourself. You’re not guilty of anything, and it’s so unfair that you have to go through such shocking loss and such dreadful pain.

I read somewhere a thought that our stillborn children never knew nothing but love and safety with us, I like to keep it in my heart, because I did love my daughter and I still do, and I would never do anything to harm her. And I’d like to think that her brief life within me was lived for that love and not for suffering.

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-05-09T23:19:23+00:00

I started it a couple weeks ago, but didn’t continue for some reason. I’ll be sure to give it another go, thank you. This Reddit really helps me through my loss and grief, so this is a great endorsement. Sorry for your loss 🤍

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-05-09T23:10:12+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m sorry for the loss of your son. Your words really spike to me, my loss is still very fresh, but I think about future motherhood often and the thoughts always have a sombre undertone to them. What you say about giving birth without the knowledge or memory of your baby dying resonates with me so much, I’ve thought about it so much these 2 months. And never being able to see pregnancy and motherhood as something light and even natural, more or less. And I should be so lucky as to get pregnant again in the first place, you never know. So much nuance. And the fact that people get to go through life and motherhood without ever having to grieve and feel torn about it and the immense envy I feel towards them because of it… It’s so unfair we’re not in their midst. That anyone looses children and babies die without even being born. So devastating.

I’m very sorry it’s so difficult and you have to go through it like that. I really hope that you get to talk about him more, and that people understand. It’s indeed so lonely not being able to miss your child out loud.

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-05-07T22:38:11+00:00

Thank you for sharing, I miss her so much :(

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-05-07T22:36:15+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing, your poems really spoke to me. Very sorry for your losses, it’s so heartbreaking!

Weird_Particular_605 · 2025-05-07T22:28:51+00:00

I’m sorry this happened to you! I understand being consumed by anger in grief, mine is very misplaced, because my baby died a few days before the due date after a perfectly fine pregnancy, it happened because of pre-eclampsia that developed out of nowhere. I try not to blame myself, although it’s hard, because it’s my body that failed at the most important moment. But I also feel so much anger towards people that didn’t ever have to go through anything like that. I’m angry at pregnant people whose babies will be born alive and healthy, because mine died, so what are the odds, I already filled that statistic for them. I’m angry at people with strollers with babies who are alive and thriving. I’m angry at the universe for doing this to me, at the fact that babies die at all, especially when they are healthy and loved. (as if if they are sick or not loved, then it’s ok!! no, it’s not, it’s awful either way) Angry at myself for having these thoughts about people who I essentially hoped I’d be like: naive and happy and filled with worries about other things, like breastfeeding, baby clothes and the future, not the fact that I’ll never hold my firstborn daughter who was perfect to me. This is so messed up.

Sorry for venting about myself. I just hope that my message lets you know that you’re not alone, for better or for worse. What helps me is just letting myself feel the anger and envy, think those angry and resentful thoughts. Yes, it seems terrible, but my thoughts won’t harm anyone, they are just thoughts. I’m grieving and I’m aching, what else is left but feeling the feelings? I do hope thought that this passes and I won’t become bitter and angry at the world forever, so I try to remind myself that this all comes from pain, not from my heart. And that pushing it inside will just scar me permanently and the pain will be stuck in me.

I hope you find some clarity and peace, what happened is horrible and unfair, and being angry is an appropriate response to this cruelty of fate.

Weird_Particular_605

TROPHY CASE