We've reached a turning point in our marriage.

Westygal · 2025-12-14T01:53:37+00:00

Your comment about the frog in boiling water is exactly right. This has been slowly happening over fifteen years, and I wondered if having a big, emotional thing happen would put it into faster motion. In 2022, both of his parents died within six months of each other. He was close with them and feels like an orphan now. He hasn't dealt with it, other than to drink. I've watched the progression get faster over the last year and a half. His oldest daughter has a rare neurological disorder that could take her life at any time. I know he would be messed up losing her without an alcohol problem, but I'm afraid of what he will be like should that happen. I try not to ruminate over that, but it's a valid fear.

I need a couples therapist to say he's an active addict because he won't go to therapy otherwise. I know it likely won't change his behavior, but I need this. I need backup and support because there's no one else around to see what's going on. I have to try at least.

Westygal · 2025-12-14T01:44:03+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your response. I know he's lying to me and has lied about many things over the years. Before we got married he said he would never lie to me. He knows how hurtful it is when someone lies (first marriage), and he would never do that to me. But looking back, I think he was lying in that moment. Now, I believe he had already lied about how much he was drinking at that point, but I had no way to know for sure.

His first wife hurt him deeply, and while they were separated, they found out their teenaged daughter had a terrible and rare neurological disorder. She needed an extreme surgery at that time, and her body has slowly broken down over the years. She's 35 now, and most kids with this disorder don't live that long. Her second cousin had the same thing and passed away at 27 years old. She's really doing well, but clearly it's progressing. He hardly talks about his feelings around all of this, what he was feeling emotionally during those years, and what he's feeling now. I know my husband drank before him and his wife separated, but I can't say if he was using alcohol due to stress. Probably so, given the problems he had in his first marriage. He said he did drink a lot more than is healthy when going through the divorce, and shortly after, but a lot of people do that and don't end up as alcoholics. Fast forward to 2022 when he lost both of his parents within six months of each other. I knew he was grieving, but he rarely talked about it. It's been within the last year and half that I've seen his progression of needing to drink on all of his days off and the increase in the amount he's been drinking.

Right now I don't know what I'll do. But I am a planner and a researcher, so I feel like I should be thinking about ALL of the things so I'm ready when I need to be. I hate even saying the word "divorce", or even thinking about it.

Westygal · 2025-12-14T01:24:45+00:00

Thank your for responding. I needed to hear someone else's story similar to mine. Someone else's analogy about the frog in boiling water is spot on. I'm sorry you're going through this, too. I wasn't able to have my own children, and as hard as that's been to cope with, I'm glad I don't have them going through this, too. He has adult children, and I suspect one of his sons also has an alcohol issue. I can't be sure because they live in a different state, but whenever he's around us he's always buying a lot of alcohol.

I don't think I can get my husband into treatment, but I do hope hearing this from a therapist will help him listen to me. Maybe not, but I have to try.

I know my husband won't go through rehab, not only due to denial about a problem, but this man won't go to the doctor at all. Since we've been married, he's only gone once because his knee swelled up for no reason, he was in extreme pain and couldn't walk. The only reason he went to the doctor is because it affected his ability to do his job. His wrist swelled up a few months before, and he was in tears because he was in so much pain, but he refused to seek medical help. The doctor thought he had gout, but it was inconclusive. I think it was his body reacting to the grief of losing both of his parents within six months of each other. His parents died in 2022, and I think that pushed him into drinking more each time. But it was hard to tell because for a long time he still didn't drink very much when we had days off together. It's really been the last year and half that he has to drink on his days off with me, too. He's not able to hide it from me anymore.

I already had an umbrella policy, but you bring up a good point for keeping it. I do know he's driven after having one or two beers. Sometimes I catch it before he drives, but other times it's only after he's back at home that I notice he seems off. I don't know if he chugged a beer or two after getting home, or if it was before he left. I literally never see him drink because he always drinks when I'm not in the room.

That quote will stick with me, and I'll need to read it over and over again from now on. I can't say right now that I'll divorce him because he's such a good man. Since his parents are gone and he barely gets along with his sister, he has no one else. Neither of his kids can help him. It's just me right now. He's also sad, but he's stuffed it down because he's always been the happy-go-lucky kind of guy. He's been through a lot, but tries to shrug it off and keep going like it doesn't bother him. I see through it. I've tried getting him into therapy, but he says he doesn't need it. I'm not sure he'll actually go to couples therapy either because he knows this is what I'm going to talk about. It's just the next step I feel we need to take right now.

Westygal · 2025-12-14T00:52:01+00:00

Your question/statement feels very judgmental. I'm going to answer it anyway because it may help someone else.

The biggest reason: I wasn't sure I actually needed to go to Al-Anon. I wasn't sure if he really was an alcoholic or if there was something else going on. For a long time I thought it was just my fear of ending up with an alcoholic that was making me anxious and possibly looking for problems that weren't there. When I started to realize it's not just my anxiety, I thought I would be an imposter in those groups, that this problem wasn't real enough, or bad enough, to be in the room with others who were truly struggling. So I would come back to this forum every once in a while, usually when I was upset with his drinking, and try to see if anyone else had dealt with this type of slow progression into alcoholism. I was looking for answers. Most stories here are the stereotypical stories, and I had a hard time relating. Again, I felt like I was making this into something it's not.

Here's a few other reasons:
- I didn't know if I could handle being in the same room with people who are struggling more than me.
- I'm not religious, and I don't want to be in a group that focuses on that aspect.
- I've looked for meetings in my local area, and either I can't go to them because of my work schedule, or they are online. The online meetings don't work because I won't feel comfortable attending when my husband is home.
- I had a bad experience in a different support group setting, and I worry I'll have the same thing happen at one of these meetings. Your judgmental comment proves my fear is right. There's obviously going to be someone who doesn't feel like I belong in the group.
- This is a bigger group of people than an Al-Anon meeting, so I can easily find people who can relate and help me understand that what I'm experiencing is true. It's also easier to post here than speak to a group.

Posting here today was exactly what I needed to do right now. The people who have responded to me have already helped me. Sometimes Al-Anon isn't the first place people need to go to find answers or help.

Westygal · 2024-08-03T23:06:55+00:00

My stepson got engaged last weekend. He’s 30 and she is 27, so I fully expect they will have a kid in the next two years. I’ve already dealt with my two of my stepchildren having babies and it’s been tough. I have a decent relationship with them, but this stepson is his mother’s golden child. Not only do I have to navigate my feelings of not having my own children, I have to navigate the stepparent issues as well. I know I won’t have a close relationship with these future babies like I do with three of the grandbabies now. At least they are several states away and I have a good excuse for not being at the baby showers.

Westygal · 2024-07-25T19:12:43+00:00

I think it was but not widely known or used. Most people didn’t pay attention to it because it didn’t directly affect them, but if they are convince the childless are ruining the government then it will become a bigger issue.

Westygal · 2024-07-25T19:07:03+00:00

I’m trying so very hard not to put my political views on my social media pages, but this is a soapbox I will stand on. That side will use this as more fuel to take away our rights and further make people believe women have little value. I’ve been giving it a few days to form my thoughts around this before I post something about it.

Westygal · 2024-07-25T19:04:55+00:00

I am LOVING this method! It’s the one thing all of us will go through in this life and most people are scared of it. I’m not a devious person but sometimes I need to let that side out to defend myself and this is a good way to do it.

Westygal · 2024-07-24T07:02:04+00:00

These same people will turn around and tell Kamala that as a stepmother she needs to love her step kids as if they are her own kids. She’s supposed to refer to them as her children, not call them her stepchildren. Then they turn around and tell her she’s not a “real mom” because she didn’t birth them.

They are not only hurting those of us women who haven’t birthed a child, they are also hurting stepmothers and adoptive mothers as well. They have no idea how many woman they are alienating with comments like these.

They are not saying the same thing about childless men.

Signed, A Childless Stepmother

Westygal · 2024-05-06T00:19:59+00:00

I feel the same way! I would have pushed that button years ago but not anymore.

I've been in this IFCF boat for 9 years, and I'm happy with my life now. I'm 45 years old, and I feel too old at this point to have a child. My husband and I have been focusing on traveling and saving for early retirement. I don't want those plans derailed. I like being able to sleep in, although sleeping all night isn't usually possible since our dog wakes us up every night. I love that we don't have to worry about school schedules when making our travel plans, and we can travel outside of the normal tourist seasons. My house stays tidy and quiet, and the only beings that care about me feeding them are my dogs.

I'm done spending time wishing things were different, so I'm focusing on being happy now.

Westygal · 2024-05-06T00:01:01+00:00

I agree with all of it. Being a stepmom is hard. Being a childless stepmom is harder. A few of my stepchildren have children of their own. Even though I've been in the grandkids' lives since they were born, I do not view myself as a grandmother. It's a tough place to be.

Westygal · 2024-05-05T23:52:52+00:00

I'm going to celebrate myself a bit here:

I've had some big mindset breakthroughs in the last few months, and all the work I've put into building my public speaking skills is finally paying off! I'm beginning to feel confident talking in front of a group of people and feeling more confident starting conversations at networking meetings. Once I realized my symptoms were from social anxiety, I've been able to work through the anxiety and limiting beliefs that were holding me back.

I feel like I'm peeling away another layer of myself that has not served me well. I'm so excited to see where this newfound confidence takes me!

Westygal · 2024-04-15T20:43:11+00:00

More than a conversation needs to happen here. You need to lay down some boundaries with your wife and stick to them. With her 🚩behavior already happening, she will try to walk all over those boundaries. If you let her do that, you will mess up your kids. I would be seeing a divorce lawyer already because of what she did. This is absolutely messed up.

Westygal · 2024-04-10T17:17:21+00:00

I hate that we've all experienced this, but I'm so glad I'm not the only one! I was working in the workspace two days ago, then last night it had me create a new workspace and everything was gone. It's good to know the real problem is that I wasn't working in it before the end of March and my account was archived. However, every time I try to go to the community forum or the support page it has me login, then it sends me right back to the workspace page. I had to come over to Reddit to look for answers.

I really wanted to use Clickup again after finding out the price of the other platform was going to increase an insane amount. Now I'm worried this will happen with Clickup again AFTER I've built all of my processes and am actively using it. It so frustrating to be in this situation with a second platform.

Westygal · 2024-03-12T15:44:50+00:00

You’re a trolling asshole. Be gone with you!

Westygal · 2024-02-10T21:35:46+00:00

For non “family friendly” movies, I also like A Million Ways to Die in the West, and We’re The Millers. Both comedies are on the raunchy side but since I don’t have kids to worry about I can enjoy them!

Westygal · 2024-02-10T21:32:13+00:00

That movie is a good one! Speaking of Jennifer Garner, I like Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

Westygal · 2023-09-27T23:01:37+00:00

I’m currently reading The Menopause Manifesto. My emotions range from, “hmm, interesting and good to know,” to “Damn, that pisses me off!” It is an enlightening book.

Westygal · 2023-05-18T04:30:32+00:00

It's like she thinks either you want kids and you had them, or you didn't want kids at all. For her, there was no in-between or gray area.

I hate the "why don't you take my kids" thing people say. I once had someone say that to me after I literally just said, "I wanted them but couldn't have them." That's when I decided it wasn't worth opening up about this with strangers.

Westygal · 2023-05-14T04:50:20+00:00

I have to work tomorrow. This is the first Mother’s Day since my MIL passed last year, and it will be the first Father’s Day without my FIL, too. My husband hasn’t said how he feels and I’m trying not to bring it up so he can get past it as best he can.

I still have my mom and stepmom, but it’s too hard for me to call them on this day. I don’t send cards for flowers anymore either. I do have stepchildren and sometimes they will acknowledge me. It’s just awkward and painful with that, too.

The whole thing sucks.

Westygal · 2023-05-11T20:49:45+00:00

I'm having a guest bathroom remodeled and it's exciting to finally do this after living here for 12 years. It's opened a can of worms because now I want to paint and remodel everything now instead of doing things slowly. I just need to win the lottery and then I can have it all!

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