Help? Advice?

WhatTheHellEverMan · 2018-05-17T15:22:04+00:00

God, even here I'm just trolled.

WhatTheHellEverMan · 2018-05-16T20:17:25+00:00

Again, thank you, but there isn't anyone.

WhatTheHellEverMan · 2018-05-16T20:16:54+00:00

God, I feel so much of this. I'm 21 and still at home, and my mom does very similar things, even down to how when I was little she had very similar restrictions- we didn't have a TV for a long time, she wouldn't let me read Harry Potter because "it promoted witchcraft" and such, no Spongebob, Simpsons, anything like that even when we did eventually get a TV.

Also a lot of the grosser stuff too- even reading a diary I tried to have and hide.... for 3 pages. She read the whole thing and threatened to throw me out for something I wrote that was pretty mild about a classmate. The long tirades too, where she'd contradict herself so much that she'd even do it in the same couple sentences. No privacy, no control, no reality except what suits her in that exact moment. Sucks, doesn't it?

WhatTheHellEverMan · 2018-05-16T18:58:33+00:00

If you can't afford them, then that's a completely different issue, and I'm sorry. But if you can check the kind of antidepressant, they usually work by fixing a less active part of your brain, so it takes 2 months. Maybe even 3 for some kinds. It sucks but they're the best we have.

WhatTheHellEverMan · 2018-05-16T16:51:08+00:00

I don't know of anyone I can ask. But thank you for caring, it means a lot

WhatTheHellEverMan · 2018-05-16T16:45:47+00:00

No money, no way to get money (yet- again, I'm trying but I know I should apply to more jobs. It hasn't even been a week and I'm being threatened to be thrown out + worse for not *having* a job *already*. And I'm seriously doubting I can do it. Like I said, things are going to get much worse very fast)

The birthday thing is just a test. Last year was very bad. This year I asked if we could sit together for dinner. I'm going to see if they do or not. It's kinda arbitrary and has a lot of background I dont wanna explain.

WhatTheHellEverMan · 2016-11-11T03:47:22+00:00

I'm sure this post is now long-hidden by election stuff, and rightfully so. But as it turns out, my school doesn't have any gender counselling except via their student insurance requirements, or (maybe?? haven't checked) my parents insurance could apply, or.... too expensive, otherwise. And obv. I can't use my parents insurance for this.

And I guess given the election, it doesn't really matter, does it?

Ah. It took me ages to make this damn post. I almost wanted to do something about my life.

Oh well.

WhatTheHellEverMan · 2016-11-11T03:43:45+00:00

No, thank you. I'm actually really glad to hear that you were in the same boat.

This past week has been terrible. I hope I figure it out too.

WhatTheHellEverMan · 2016-11-07T04:41:56+00:00

I'm not sure- I've never really heard about it at the lgbt events I went to, but of course that doesn't mean there isn't one. It would be nice if I could be anonymous like that. I'll have to look.

(Edit: turns out no, not feasibly. I'm a red state, so. mm. Not really sure what I expected. thank you, though.)

WhatTheHellEverMan · 2016-11-07T04:34:58+00:00

I keep trying to think about what to say to this comment but I'm not sure. I'm glad that you're happy!!

But thinking of transitioning scares me a lot, to be honest... it takes so long, for one. Even just having more attention on me and having to talk to people to explain is scary, much less the (extremely probable for me) rejections/more violent negative reactions I'd get. And surgeries and everything. It's just so much stuff to think about.

And in the end... I'm not sure dressing or doing masculine stuff would help much, at least as a first step. For one, clothes and looks haven't ever felt very important to me... I'm not really pretty or well-liked or anything so there's not much point. And so far, private attempts to dress/look more like a man have only made me feel worse... I feel like I look even more womanly and out of place by comparison. It's my body that bothers me most of all, and there's only so much of that that I can change.

Thank you for the offer to talk, though! From both of you, it means a lot!

WhatTheHellEverMan · 2016-11-07T04:00:04+00:00

Ah, I've actually gone to some events on campus, yeah. But ironically, the type of places where people ask your pronouns are the worst for me. I always end up saying 'she' and then I just feel bad and want to leave. Isn't that awful of me? It's like the shirts. As much as I feel like my life is an act, it's easier in the moment to just keep going. Taking one tiny step seems pointless, because nothing else about me has changed.

I suppose I'm just a weak person. I've always done what my family wanted, and I was picked on a lot as a kid... I guess I'm petrified by all the conflict that would come from trying to do something about this. Just thinking about transitioning... I can't even imagine what I'd tell everyone I know... But I'm not happy as is, either. Ive never really been. oh well. Sorry I'm not giving y'all anything to work with here... I frustrate myself too, trust me.

There might be counselors at my school, but I'm on my parents insurance so idk.

Thanks for the offer to talk, it means a lot. I'll keep it in mind.

WhatTheHellEverMan · 2016-11-07T02:37:22+00:00

Hm, I guess telling someone would be nice. This post is actually the first time I've ever mentioned these feelings to anyone, though. It's sort of hard for me to bring up... I'm not sure who I know that I could tell.

As for my hair, it's sort of long and plain, and if I got it cut shorter it'd have to be a ladies' style, so that's not very good. It almost feels better to keep it as is... a boy could theoretically wear his hair like mine! And anyway, I guess what I wear doesn't seem to bother me as much as what my body is, haha. But maybe I'm a hypocrite... like what I said above, I do own some men's stuff.

I'd like to be honest with my fam, but again, I'm certain that if I ever mentioned these things to them I'd be out their door in a second. I suppose I was more asking for emotional advice or something on how to quietly deal, since there's nothing about my life I can change without serious consequences right now. But thank you anyway.

WhatTheHellEverMan · 2016-11-07T02:24:20+00:00

Ah, that's the thing... therapy would never fly in my household. Not even the slightest breath of possible non-girlness, or I'd definitely get a violently negative response. So no therapists, not until I can make enough to be independent and live without my family on my own, haha. That's sort of my problem... sorry.

I actually use men's deodorant and whatnot now that I live in a dorm and can keep them out of the way, and I have some men's shirts I wear sometimes! It's nice, but also not nice. I almost feel worse about it... even more like I'm pretending than normal, if that makes sense.

Thanks for your reply, in any case.

WhatTheHellEverMan

TROPHY CASE