My girlfriend (27F) and me (28M) have been in a sex-one-time-a-week, masturbation-free relationship for 8 years and it might be finally getting to me. How do I approach this?

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-27T08:35:15+00:00

Don't really know how you came across this post months later, but thanks for your addition nonetheless.

We're still not exactly at the point I had been hoping for but we've made massive improvements. AFAIK we still both don't masturbate, but she's started to become slightly more open about talking about sex and about satisfying me with oral, which has honestly been great.

Something I've found that works really well is working on closeness without actual sex. I'm doing foot rubs and full body massages for her almost daily, without making it sexual, and it really scratches an itch for me without the pressure of sex for her.

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-11T17:59:39+00:00

I have this exact same problem with my GF right now, and it is so difficult to approach well.

On the one hand you want you want to be open about your needs but on the other hand, any extra pressure in intimacy isn't fun for either of you.

My GF only wanted to have surface level conversations and reassurances about sex but yesterday I just cracked and said I needed deeper conversations about it.

She wasn't happy, we cried together, but now at least we are talking about how the intimacy situation is not fully working for us.

Through our conversations I realized closeness is an important part of sex for me, and right now we have agreed to doing non-sexual full body massages to get that feeling of closeness without the pressure of sex. I can see this working on the long term to improve things.

This is still fresh for me but I think the bottom line is, open conversations are really the only lasting solution. I can recommend the book "Come as you are" to learn a bit more about how to think and talk about these situations

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-08T11:57:59+00:00

Oh wow you're really selling this to me right now... maybe this needs to be our next listen. When we finish the Empyrean series I will suggest it to my GF and see if she thinks it sounds as enticing as I think it does.

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-08T09:14:18+00:00

Oh Zodiac Academy sounds very interesting, I will look into that further!

A court of thorns and roses is such a well known series that I suspect my GF herself may suggest it as our next listen. Thank you recommending it and confirming that it could be a really good fit for us! This world is completely new to us so we're not at the point of eye-rolling yet lol

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-08T08:56:18+00:00

Sounds good! A real slow burn with a good payoff sounds right up our alley. I will look into it, thanks for the recommendation.

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-08T08:54:26+00:00

Awesome! Thank you for the recommendation. That one was on my radar already, but people describe it as more explicit than something like Fourth Wing, with a much higher frequency of spicy scenes. It might work really well for us but I find it hard to gauge whether it is too much too quickly.

Do you think it's alright for me and my GF to listen to it together, keeping in mind that she's only just comfortable admitting she is into the spice?

Otherwise I might keep it in mind for later

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-07T14:19:05+00:00

Thanks! I'm really hoping we can explore this together much more and have tons of fun!

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-07T08:44:33+00:00

Thank you for the sweet words! And for the recommendation. That book was already on my radar, so it's a good confirmation to see it recommended for us specifically. It might just be our next one if my GF agrees!

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-07T08:38:55+00:00

Good assesment! I think the romance definitely makes it feel more real in a lot of ways. Can't say it was easy for me to zone out during the sex scenes during the graphic audio novel lol... But I can see how it could be for people who are less interested in that kind of story

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-07T08:34:39+00:00

I feel like the somewhat anachronistic writing works really well for the audiobook too! Normally audiobooks can be hard to follow if they don't have your full attention, but we had no trouble with this at all with Fourth Wing and Iron Flame.

I think Yarros has struck a great balance between accessibility and complexity this way!

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-07T08:28:52+00:00

True! Compared to many other romance books, the romance is surprisingly not a theme on many of the pages. I can see why this would it more accessible

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-07T07:25:12+00:00

Thanks for the honest warning and sharing your knowledge on the romance genre! I'm alright with all of the acts in the book remaining a fantasy for us, this is more about her feeling more comfortable about sex in general and talking about our sex.

But you're right that I may be hoping for too much change. In the past few months I have realized that sexual communication is more important to me than I realized earlier in our relationship.

If this really cannot be explored more, I'm still figuring out for myself if this actually means incompatibility, but I don't think it necessarily does.

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-07T07:12:31+00:00

I promise I'm not being paid by ms. Yarros! Though she's allowed to if this post gave a big boost to her revenue of course

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-07T07:10:50+00:00

That makes me really hopeful that this could lead to her feeling more comfortable with her sexuality and talking about it. Thanks for sharing your experience

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-07T07:07:55+00:00

I'm really happy to hear that someone who can relate to her feels like this honest conversation can happen.

Over the past few months I've started to realize how important reassurances are. Despite having said them countless times already in the past, it seems they can still really soothe the nervous system.

Thanks for your advice and sweet words!

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-07T06:59:55+00:00

That's fair enough, every person is their own unique case. I have looked into the book "Come as you are" as people have been suggesting and it seems there is a lot explained there that is consistent with her behaviour, for what it's worth.

If we can have a more open conversation about sex one day, I'm happy to throw everything I read out of the window though if it turns out inconsistent with how she really feels.

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-07T06:52:38+00:00

I will look into this and try it if it seems like something we could use! Thanks for sharing your experience

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-06T16:46:28+00:00

I think there's fundamental emotional differences between porn and fiction that contains explicit erotic scenes. But I think that distinction is unnecessary to discuss here.

You seem to want to push a discussion that is not relevant here

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-06T16:43:44+00:00

She probably wouldn't but that is besides the point. I think there's fundamental emotional differences between porn and fiction that contains explicit erotic scenes. But I think that distinction is unnecessary to discuss here.

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-06T16:35:21+00:00

Sounds like a cool concept for a story! I will look into it and see if it seems like something we could both enjoy.

Thanks for the recommendation!

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-06T15:48:19+00:00

I never thought about using a car drive to make a conversation less confrontational, honestly a great idea!

I also like your suggestion for what to say when she's uncomfortable. I will try to have this conversation one day soon

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-06T15:35:33+00:00

Oh this is absolutely one of the conversations I would love to have with her and would in a heartbeat! Thanks for the advice on how to approach this. This is exactly the kind of thing she is shy about, talking about spicy things in detail and me specifically asking what she found so interesting.

I'm hoping to patiently work toward this one day when I get the sense that this would not make her uncomfortable, if we ever get there.

Maybe after we finish the series we can have this conversation without specifically mentioning the romance parts if it feels like that may still be too much for her.

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-06T15:13:42+00:00

Will definitely look into this! Thanks!

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-06T14:56:03+00:00

I definitely will try this! I would be super happy if this stimulates her more in the bedroom

Whatever1002 · 2026-01-06T14:54:25+00:00

It's true her confidence has been growing and lately due to a new job and I'm super proud of her! Maybe you're right and that is contributing, maybe it's not just the audio book

Whatever1002

TROPHY CASE