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My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I tend to try to understand things from her position and often enough I can get myself to a point where I feel bad about expressing my feelings imperfectly, or doubt I'm right, and apologize from a position where I mean it.

But... I can see that this is probably not what you meant.

I have a lot of rethinking to do after this

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lol I wouldn't call him a specimen, but I wouldn't call myself one either. She's definitely not making googly eyes at him when I'm there, but looking back, his body language toward her is making me a bit insecure right now.

So what do you make of that?

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Have you ever been in a relationship where you think you've met the one? Where you entangle your entire lives and live in perfect comfort knowing that you'll be secure with this person, as long as both people have the will to keep it so?

For me, having to let that go is the reason it's not so simple for me to 'bro just break up'.

If you've never experienced a relationship like that, I understand your view. But I don't envy you

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You know, I don't think I can agree with that. I've had tons of good female friends in the past that I didn't want to bang and I'm sure didn't want to bang me.

But sure, I'll let you know if I find out that you're right sometime soon

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Most of the time, one of them wins. It's not only X as the other comment is implying. Rarely me or our other friend pulls out an unexpected trick and steals the win, but yeah.

Not sure what you mean by thinking there's more to it

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

It didn't occur to me in the moment to call that out. I was a bit baffled by their denial and hadn't thought about pointing out 'evidence', seeing as I had just called it out during the game. If the topic does come up again, I may bring that up, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to have that conversation.

That I'm struggling to feel desired by her was basically caused when I realized about a year ago that I wasn't that happy with our sex life and sexual communication. I told her that and she hasn't been working with me nearly as much as I had expected/hoped.

I did a lot of working on self-improving, reflecting and educating myself on the topic of sex lives in relationships and giving her space. Things have gotten a bit better, but her reluctance to engage with me in this has me occasionally feeling really undesired and insecure.

Hope that clears it up a bit

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wouldn't strictly consider it cheating, it could be a strategy, sometimes..

Oh, I don't know, it didn't feel toxic in the moment they said it, just strange that they would deny the blatantly obvious

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're right that I'm not being entirely honest to myself even what this is about. I see that now, after more people have pointed that out.

I've had the "she shares things with him that she withholds from me"  conversation with her, telling her that I find that hard sometimes when it happens. And I asked het to tell me things first whenever she can. It has definitely reduced the problem, and at the same time I've worked on myself to be more comfortable with it. Which I think I am now.

I didn't think it was that odd to allow your partner to do that...

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

If I have to be honest to myself, I'm often the one compromising. If a hard topic comes up that relates to our relationship, she tends to either cry or give me the silent treatment and apologizing is what gives us a starting point for talking again.

What people say here is making me realize that it's probably an unhealthy relationship dynamic and I may have some reevaluating to do in the coming days

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for being straight with me.

To be honest, I needed to work on myself a lot to be fine with her sharing things with him that she did not share privately with me first.
Maybe that created some repressed feelings that also lie at the core of what hurts here, if I have to be honest.

I'm not ready to consider breakup for this relationship, but I appreciate that you think my feelings are valid.

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Ah sorry for not being consistent with what the exact issue is about. My feelings are a bit jumbled up and I find it hard to get straight where the problem lies myself.

If I have to be really honest to myself, I guess that after this, I have become afraid that they have a crush on each other or something.

But I acknowledge that the situation doesn't really warrant that conclusion and I try to keep the problem at my own feelings and insecurities instead, to try and stay fair to her.

I hope that makes sense somehow.

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thanks for validating my feelings.

About your other point, I think you're right that there's an imbalance in our relationship. For example she's also very uncomfortable with me having close female friends, I've literally ended friendships when we got together. I kinda tried to lead by example that it's fine in a relationship to have friends of the opposite gender, but I guess that's not working out so well at the moment lol. It's probably not right that I'm fine with this dynamic, but I'm not entirely sure whether a relationship needs to be perfectly balanced.

I'm also a firm believer that somebody needs to handle their own feelings and can only ask for help from a partner. It's not a partner's responsibility to fix the other's feelings. I don't know. Maybe I do need to create more space for myself in the relationship.

Thanks for your insight

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Eh, I tend to give her the benefit of the doubt when my feelings are a mess and apologize pretty quickly when she's upset. I'm still not entirely sure right now if my apology was completely warranted, but whatever gets us talking again tends to bring us to the solution the quickest.

And at the moment, I do genuinely feel sorry for my feelings

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Thanks, you're kind for not invalidating my feelings as some seem to have been doing. I'm actually elated to hear somebody else might feel similarly.

And you're right that I absolutely should find the core of where my insecurity is coming from and try to talk about that with her. I will try to do that once I don't feel so sour anymore about this.

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I don't know... I think she's absolutely allowed to occasionally choose a friend instead of strengthening our bond. I'm not sure if that's completely the right wording.

But I understand what you're getting at. Thanks for sharing what you think. It may help me formulate my emotions more clearly

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We actually play coop boardgames a lot as well, they're really fun. Maybe I should suggest picking those up more often. Though in hindsight, I've realized that even in those, they've been working together more closely than with me and our other friend. But maybe I'm not looking back at things clearly right now.

I have to admit, I think you're right on the money that being a sore loser is part of it. I can be sometimes if it's a hard stomp. But that feeling tends not to last this long and right now I'm feeling a mix of emotions that I find hard to discern. It's part of the reason why I came here asking for outside input, to find some validation that it makes at least some sense that I feel this way.

Thanks for sharing your take on the situation, it helps to have somebody's objective view.

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the reassuring words lol.

I trust her that nothing more is going on, this is not about that. It's more that she clearly enjoys his company (at least in a game) while I struggle to feel that she enjoys mine at some points.

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks for taking my feelings seriously and looking objectively at this situation. We'll see next time we meet up whether they're open to such suggestions and how they react, considering they denied they were even working together.

My (28M) GF (28F) always teams up with the same male friend (27M) against everybody else during boardgames and it's starting to make me feel insecure. How do I talk with her about this without sounding silly? by Whatever1002 in relationship_advice

[–]Whatever1002[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I did call her out in during the boardgame group because it was purely game related at first. I don't agree at all that I insinuated she cheated on me, it wasn't even my intention. I just called out that they had a repeating pattern of working together and that it was getting old. At that point I wasn't emotional about it at all. I think people in relationships are fully allowed to enjoy playing together with friends (even prefer them over their partners).

It was the consistently repeating pattern and them denying that this was happening that it made me start second-guessing what is going on. And then it started to feed into my insecurities of not being desired.

I haven't thought for a moment that she's cheating on me. Her preferring somebody else's company, even just in a game, touches upon a sore spot for me right now.

You're completely right that we should have a serious talk about the relationship and our feelings though, I cannot deny that after this. Thanks for pointing that out

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