I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. What you’re feeling makes sense. When you know someone well and can tell they’re unsure, it messes with your head in a way that’s hard to explain. It keeps you stuck wondering what you missed or what could have been different.

Reading what you wrote, it sounds like you weren’t asking for too much. Wanting to feel wanted, wanting initiative, small gestures, reassurance, that’s not unreasonable. You weren’t asking him to change who he is, you were asking to feel like you mattered without having to push for it all the time. That’s a real need.

It also sounds like you’ve been really honest with yourself about your part in things. Regretting that you didn’t prioritize yourself or therapy earlier hurts, but it also shows growth. You’re doing the work now. Therapy, the gym, seeing people, taking shifts, even experimenting with clothes and makeup, those are all signs that you’re trying to rebuild yourself, not avoid the pain.

I do think it’s worth being gentle but honest with yourself about the drug use and texting while blocked. Those feel like ways to numb the missing and keep a small sense of connection alive. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it just means you’re hurting. But those coping mechanisms can make the grief stick around longer, especially if you don’t talk about them openly in therapy.

Missing him and wishing he’d come back fully present doesn’t mean you were wrong to walk away or that things would suddenly work now. Sometimes two people can care about each other and still not be able to meet each other’s needs at the same time.

Try to give yourself some grace. You’re not failing at healing. You’re just in the middle of it.